Camelot Is A Silly Place
by Kelley and Shelley
Summary: Sequel to "I'll Most Likely Kill You In The Morning." NOW COMPLETE! Spuffiness, X/S friendship, X/Dru something...it's all pretty crazy. Please read and review!
1. A Three Hour Tour

Xander slowly opened his eyes.  He blinked a few times to get the blurriness in his eyes to go away.  The sun was slowly rising.  He sat up and looked around.  He had sand all over his clothes and his hair was wet.  His clothes were fairly wet as well.  He was also cold.

**Xander:  **Sand?  What?  Where am I?

He got to his feet and started to walk inland.  He suddenly tripped over something and let out a slight yell.

**Cordelia: **Gosh, Xander.  Watch where you're going.  I'm trying to work on my tan.

**Xander:  **The sun isn't even up yet, Cordy.

**Cordelia:**  I know, but I wanted to be ready.

Xander shook his head and rolled his eyes.

**Xander:  **Cordy, where are we?

**Cordelia: **On an island.  Duh, dork!

**Xander:  **Thank you, Captain Obvious.  What island?  Why are we here?  How did we get here?

**Cordelia:  **I don't know.  I don't know.  And shipwreck.

**Xander:**  Shipwreck?

**Cordelia:  **Ugh, yes.  Did I stutter the first time I said it?

**Xander:  **When were we on a boat?

**Cordelia: ** Well…uh…um…I don't know.  I just figured it out by the piece of wood floating by that says S.S. Minnow on it.

**Xander:  **Is anyone else here?

**Cordelia:  **I guess so.  I think they're doing research though.

**Xander:  **Let's go find them.

**Cordelia:  **Xander…my tan!

**Xander:  **Fine.  You stay here.  If we find a way off this island, we just won't tell you.

Cordelia got up quickly.

**Cordelia:  **Ok, I'm coming.  I wish this place had a mall at least.

Xander and Cordelia walked further inland.  Shortly after, they found everyone else.

**Xander:  **Giles!  Giles!  Merciful Zeus, we found you guys!

**Giles:**  Yes.  Indeed you have, Xander.

**Xander:  **Didn't you guys try to find me?

**Willow:  **Well, uh, we just kinda ended up here at this table in the middle of nowhere.

**Buffy:**  This sucks.  There isn't anything to do here.  No baddies to fight.

**Spike:  **Hey, baby.  I'm bad.  You're bored.  Let's go.

**Angel:  **Yeah, Spike.  You're really bad with Willow's purple Garfield umbrella above your head to protect you from the sun.

**Spike:  **Shut up, Peaches.  You're one to talk with your nancy-boy "The Little Mermaid" umbrella.

**Drusilla:  **Let's have a tea party.  The trees are singing a pretty tune and we'll have to Free Willy soon or else the moon will cry.

**Spike:  **Er, right, Dru.  You just keep that in mind for some other time.

**Xander:  **Ok, back to the problem at hand.  How did we get here?

**Giles: ** Well, I've searched through all my books.  I've found an answer.

**Buffy:  **Well, what is it?  The twilight zone?

**Anya:  **Oh, no.  This is just a simple island.  We don't even have money here.

**Giles:  **Ah, a-apparently we've been used again.

**Angel:  **Used?  For what?

**Giles:  **It-it seems the authors have decided to do a sequel to the previous story in which we were put on a crazy adventure made up by two college girls with nothing better to do.  This time we have been placed on an uncharted desert isle instead of a stage!

**Xander:  **Oh!  Like Gilligan's Island!

Everyone turned their heads towards Xander.

**Xander:  **What?  I used to watch it when I was a kid.

**Angel:  **So, what do we do now?

**Kelley:  **Guys, just acknowledge the fact that Joss owns you.

**Shelley:  **Yeah.  Please.  I don't want to get in trouble this time.

**Spike:  **Who in the bloody hell are you birds?

**Kelley:  **We're the authors.

**Shelley:  **We're having our way with you.

**Buffy:  **Hey!  No one has their way with me…ever.

**Spike:  **You weren't like that the other night, luv.

**Buffy:  **Spike, you're a pig.

**Xander: ** Be quiet, Buff!  So, you have your way with us?

**Shelley:  **(smiles) Of course.  I've got dibs on you.

**Xander:  **Oh.  Oooo.  And who do you have dibs on, uh…?

**Kelley:  **Kelley.  And she's Shelley.

**Xander:  **Kelley, who do you have dibs on?

**Kelley:  **Hehehe.  Spike, of course.

**Spike:  **(glares at Buffy) At least SOMEBODY appreciates me.

**Buffy:  **Yeah, sure, Spike.  She probably just needs you to lift heavy furniture.

**Kelley:  **Actually, no.  I think he's hot.  For starters, I want him to take his shirt off.

Spike smiles.

**Shelley:  **What do you think of our Gilligan's Island theme?

**Xander:  **I'm Gilligan!

**Anya:  **I want to be Mrs. Howell.  She's the rich one.

**Cordelia: ** I'll be Ginger.  She always got to act like an airhead and never had to do anything productive.

**Xander:  **The story of your life.

Cordelia smacks Xander.

**Xander:  **Ow!  Geez!  It was a joke!

**Buffy:  **Well, I'm Mary Anne.

Xander and Spike both get a dreamy-eyed look.

**Xander:  **Those shorts.

**Spike:  **That top.

**Angel:  **The hair.

**Spike and Xander:  **What?!

**Angel:  **Never mind.  (he waves his hand in dismissal)

**Spike:  **I want to be one of those cannibal blokes from that one episode.

**Cordelia:  **You watched Gilligan's Island?

**Drusilla:  **My little Spike kept waiting for them to starve to death.  Can I be the coconut radio?

Everyone stops what they are doing.  They stare at Drusilla.  Crickets chirp.  A tumbleweed blows past.  The spell is broken.

**Buffy:  **Ok, where did the tumbleweed come from?

**Kelley:  **Sorry.

**Shelley:  **Watched too many Westerns.

**Xander:  (looks at Drusilla)  You know, that's oddly fitting what with your being a seer and all.**

**Drusilla:  Thank you.**

Everyone stops again and looks at Cordelia.

**Cordelia:  What?  (pause) I'm not going to be a coconut radio too!  I'm Ginger!**

**Xander:  Well, G-man's the smartest.  He should be the Professor.**

**Willow and Anya:  No!**

**Willow:  I don't want to be Mr. Howell!**

**Xander:  Why don't you be the Skipper?**

**Willow:  Angel's the Skipper.**

**Angel:  Why am I the Skipper?**

**Willow:  Cuz you're the oldest.**

**Spike:  And the biggest.**

Angel:  Spike!  Are you saying I'm a fat, grumpy old man? 

**Xander:  **Well, you go the grumpy old man part down.

**Angel:  **But I'm not fat!  Am I fat?

**Cordelia:  **(sighs) No, Angel.  You're not fat.

**Angel:  **But they said…

**Cordelia:  **Angel, they're idiots.  Ignore them!

**Kelley and Shelley:  **HEY!  Guys, shut up!  We have a story to tell.

**Everyone:  **(rolls their eyes in unison) Fine.  What do we have to say this time?

**Kelley:  **Oh, nothing.  Just enjoy yourselves.

**Shelley:  **Joss owns all.  (looks at Kelley)  Can I go play now?

**Kelley:  **(pats Shelley on the head) Sure.  Go on.

**Shelley:  **(grabs Xander's hand) Let's go!

**Kelley:  **(goes to Spike)  Hey, Spike, I found this cave…

**Spike:  **(grins) Lead on…

Spike and Kelley walk off to the mysterious cave she found.  Everyone stares in silence as they walk off.  After a moment they all look from one to the other, confused.

**Angel:  **So, I'm not fat?

**Cordelia:  **ANGEL!!!!!!

**Buffy:  **What just happened?

**Giles: ** Well, the authors have obviously decided to have some extra fun with Spike and Xander.

**Buffy:  **Yeah, I got that much.  Why would Kelley want to take Spike though?

**Anya:  **Because he's hot stuff, Buffy.

**Buffy:  **(glares) Yeah, whatever.  (she slumps down into a chair) Like I care anyways.


	2. Mmmm....Hoagie

**A/N:**  Hey!  We're back!  We actually found free time and worked on our sequel!  That also means (dun dun dun) the return of the crazy disclaimers.  We've decided on a whole new style this time, as you have already witnessed.  Booyah.  Please read and review!  

**Spoilers:  **The first story in our series.  Buffy lives.  That's all you need to know.  You know how the last one was way off?  Well, this story is beyond left field into the next-door neighbor's briar patch.  This is completely opposite of what is happening in season six at the moment.  We hope you enjoy it.  Yup.

*********************************************************************************

Jarvis McClanton leaned back in his ergonomically correct chair and stretched his arms over his head.  Jarvis loved his job for one simple reason.  He didn't do a damn thing.  His secretary took all the phone calls, checked the mail, watered the plants.

Oh, yes, life was good.  He never had to talk to any potential clients.  His secretary filed all the documents, wrote the memos to the main office in L.A.  She could sign his name better than he could.

Charlotte, the obedient little nitwit, did all of the grunt work, all the finances, and even picked up around the office.  Why would he ever need to get a girlfriend anyway?  She did everything for him.

It's not like they got much business in Sunnydale, anyway.  Demons and vampires didn't fall under the laws of the State of California.  Most of the citizens either conveniently forgot about the eight foot demon that flattened their Volvo, or gave up after they tried to cut through enough red tape to hold up the Sears Tower.  They didn't even need the second office they rented from the strip mall on Main Street.  It just made them look more prestigious, and he didn't have to pay for it, so he wasn't going to complain.

He looked at his watch idly.  It was almost noon.  Charlotte would be back with his lunch in a few minutes.  Jarvis closed his eyes and sighed.

Mmmm….Hoagie.

Life couldn't get any better.

Suddenly, the door burst open, startling Jarvis out of his food-induced daydream.

The woman looked at him coolly.  "Oh, good, you're here."

Jarvis looked her up and down.  Sure, she was pretty enough, but the little voice in his head told him to run away screaming while he still had the chance.

"I got your memo, and came as soon as I could get away."

Jarvis blinked.  Memo?  What memo?  Charlotte sent a memo?

She, noticing his confusion, just continued.  "If the preliminary evidence you've found is true, there's something even weirder than usual in Sunnydale."

Jarvis' mouth opened slightly as he gaped at her in growing horror.  She was from the main office.  Oh, god, where was Charlotte?  She always handled the people.

The woman looked at him and her eyes narrowed slightly.  Jarvis swallowed, a bead of sweat running down his forehead into his eyes.  

"This could ruin everything.  The plan is in place.  All the other factors were already extremely unpredictable.  This could be disastrous."

Jarvis whimpered softly.  He had no idea what she was talking about.  Why wasn't Charlotte here yet?  He needed her.  She always did everything.

The pretty woman finally noticed his lack of response and Jarvis barely restrained a squeal of terror.  He was going to die, right here, right now.  He closed his eyes; he didn't want to see what was coming.

"Oh, Ms. Morgan, you're here."  

Charlotte!  He cracked an eye open.  Maybe he wasn't going to die!

Ms. Morgan turned to address the newcomer.

"And you are…?"

"Charlotte Banks," she replied, offering a hand, which Ms. Morgan took.  "I honestly didn't think the information I uncovered would bring the great Lilah Morgan to Sunnydale."

Lilah smiled thinly at the obvious attempt to get on her good side.  "You sent that memo to Wolfram & Hart?"

Charlotte nodded.  "I know most of your dealings are in L.A., but I figured you'd want at least an idea of something this big."

"Good instincts."  Lilah looked at Jarvis.  He suddenly found it hard to breathe.  With a haughty gaze, she turned back to the secretary.  "Is there some place we can go to discuss this?"

Charlotte smiled.  "We have another office downtown.  I have all the files there."

"Good, let's get down to it then."  With barely a backward glance, Lilah Morgan left the office.

Charlotte turned back to Jarvis when she got to the door, a smile on her face.  "If you leave those pants here, I'll wash them for you."

Charlotte left the office to the soft thud of Jarvis McClanton's head hitting his desk as he passed out.

*****

An American classic barreling into a road sign broke the tranquil silence of the night.  Smoke began to pour from the dented hood.  Loud music could be heard as the door was jerked open and then shut again forcefully.

"God dammit!  Now I have to get that repaired.  Where the hell am I?"

He walked around to the front of the hood, inspecting the damage, then noticed the sign pinned beneath his tires.  Squinting in the dim light, his eyes made out the words.

"Welcome to Sunnydale," he read aloud.

He kicked the nearest tire.  "Sunnydale," he said monotonously.  

Suddenly, his eyes widened.  "The Hellmouth.  Shit!  This is just what I didn't need!"


	3. The Scary Ride Home

**Disclaimer:  **

Willow:  (grumbles) Owww!  My shoulders hurt!  I hate this island.  I look like a lobster!

            Buffy:  I'm so gonna peel.  I just know it!

            Cordelia:  How come you're so fair-skinned, Buffy?  It's not like you're a natural blonde.

            Buffy:  Yes, I am!

            Cordelia:  Uh-huh.  Right.

            [Xander and Shelley run back to the group, both carrying buckets full of sand.]

            Xander:  Wanna come play with us?

            Buffy:  A world of no.

            Shelley:  But we're making sand castles!

            Xander:  Shelley's gonna let me bury her later.

            Giles:  Could you authors have at least supplied us with some sunscreen for crying out loud?

            Shelley:  What?  Me and Xander aren't sunburned.

            Willow:  Why not?  You've been out in the sun since we got here!

            [Xander and Shelley look at each other.]

            Xander:  (shrugs) We tan easily.

            Shelley:  I'll ask Kelley about it.  She's the one that handles these things.

            Cordelia:  Wait.  Where is that other weirdo friend of yours?

            [Kelley comes running from the cave, wearing Spike's duster]

            Shelley: Good god, Kelley!  It's like 90 degrees outside!  Why are you wearing that?

            Kelley:  (grins) It billows!  Look!  (spins around) Plus, I burn like nobody's business!  I really shoulda brought some sunscreen.

            [Giles smacks his forehead]

            Kelley:  Anyway, I gotta hurry up.  Spike's waiting.  He wants his duster back.  Joss owns them all.  Ok, bye.  (runs off)

            [Everyone stares in silence for a moment]

            Xander:  So, sand castles?

            Shelley:  Yeah!  To the beach!  (they both run off singing the batman theme)

            Buffy:  (scowls) What are they doing in that cave? 

**A/N:  **Here's the next chapter.  Sorry it's not too long.  We'll do better next time.  

**********************************************************************************

Spike finally made it to the hospital.  He was running a little late, and had to pick up Xander.  The whelp was finally getting out of the hospital today.  Good thing too.  He was getting tired of making the trips there to visit his new friend.  He still couldn't believe that he and Xander were friends since they used to hate each other.  Oh well.  One less person to try and kill him…he hoped.

He went and sat in one of the chairs in the waiting area, waiting for Xander to get dressed and out of his hospital room.  He began to pain his nails, black of course.  Might as well do something productive to pass the time.  Just as he was finishing his last nail, Xander limped out of the room.

Xander smirked, pointing to Spike's nails.  "Old habits die hard, eh, Fangless?"

"Sod off, whelp, or I'll make you walk home," Spike retorted.

"No sympathy for the injured?  Figured as much."

"Not when the injured are antagonizing the Nanny."

"You're hardly my Nanny, Spike," Xander replied indignantly.

"Just sign your bloody release papers and let's get out of here.  The blood packets I knicked earlier are getting warm."

"Spike, you sly dog!  Guess you won't be needing these," Xander nagged, pulling two blook packets out of his coat pocket.

Spike snatched them out of Xander's hand.  "Consider it gas money, mate."

Xander snorted.  "Riding in your DeSoto is torture enough, believe me."

"Hey!  That's my Buffy you're talking about!"

"Car trouble I take it?" Xander asked, grinning at the nickname Spike used for his car when it was being a "bitch."

"Took me over ten bleedin' minutes to get the thing started this morning!"

Xander laughed and shook his head.  He signed his release papers and reluctlantly sat in the wheel chair that was waiting for him.

Spike wheeled Xander out after convincing the nurse he wouldn't kill him.  The nurse tried to holler at the duo, but then gave up and rolled her eyes as she helplessly watched Spike push Xander down the corridor at top speed.  Xander freaked out at first, but then started laughing and screaming as Spike tilted the chair back and narrowly missed visitors who were waiting to see loved ones.  Most of the visitors just shook their heads, a few commenting on the immaturity of kids today.

They finally reached the DeSoto, and Xander struggled inside.  Spike climbed in the other side and started his car.  Spike took off abruptly and Xander suddenly remembered what kind of driver Spike was…the bad kind.  While Spike continued to drive like a bat out of Hades, Xander grabbed the nearest handle he was sure wouldn't break off the car while he held on for his dear life.  He had just been released from the hospital and did not feel any desire to go back yet.

A short time later, mostly thanks to Spike's speeding along, they got to Xander's apartment.  

Xander sat forward and groaned and Spike almost felt bad for making Xander carsick.  Almost.

Xander stumbled out of the car and Spike impatiently rushed ahead of the injured Scooby, but decided to slow down since Xander was on crutches.

"Hurry up, whelp!  Roswell is coming on soon!  I want to see what happens to Max and Liz!"

Xander grumbled, flipping Spike off and almost falling over in the process.

"At the rate we're going, we won't even get up there in time to see Star Trek!"

"Spike, do I need to remind you that I'm on crutches?  They are made of wood, by the way.  And wood isn't vampire friendly last time I checked."

Spike shrugged.  "Breaking your crutches will keep you from getting up the stairs."

"I'll manage."

A few snide comments later, they reached Xander's front door.

Spike opened the door and ran to the microwave to heat up his blood.  He began to whistle, not noticing the fact that Xander had not moved since they walked in.

Spike took a sip of blood.  "What?"

"Anya's stuff is gone," he replied with a blank look on his face.

Spike took another sip of blood, not knowing what to say to Xander to make him feel better.  He was a vampire, after all.  Compassion was not his strong suit.  He decided to remain silent, letting Xander get used to the fact that Anya was gone.


	4. Go Fish

**Disclaimer:**

            [It's now nighttime outside.  Fun stuff.]

            Spike:  (runs out of mysterious cave that no one else seems to be able to find) Oh, night sky!  How I've missed you!

            Drusilla:  (puts down her umbrella) The stars can sing again!

            [Spike and Drusilla do an impromptu dance on the sand.]

            Buffy:  (watching from a distance with the others) Is anyone else disturbed?

            [Kelley and Shelley run, dragging Xander, to the makeshift dance floor.]

            Xander:  Where's the music?

            Kelley:  Music?  Who dances to music?

            Shelley:  It messes up my natural rhythm.

            Kelley:  And what would that be, Shelley?

            [Shelley starts jumping up in down in response as if in a mosh pit.]

            Shelley:  You're just jealous.

            Xander:  (does the Snoopy Dance) Now THAT'S real dancing.

            Cordelia:  What IS going on?

            Willow:  Dancing…I think.

            Cordelia:  To what?

            [The two girls think for a moment.]

            Cordelia:  (shrugs) Oh well.  There isn't anything else to do.  (she drags Angel to the dance floor)

            Angel:  No!  I must brood and captivate with my great looks and mysterious persona!  I cannot do the Macarena!

            Cordelia:  (rolls eyes) Oh, please!

            [Buffy and Willow look at each other and shrug.]

            Willow:  Oh well.

            Buffy:  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.  (they start to tango)

Giles:  (watches the group) Oh all right.  Someone has to do it.  I am owned by Joss as are all of these other characters…except for Kelley and Shelley.  They own themselves…mostly.  And they want to own Spike and Xander.  Gunn too…truth be told.  They don't mean to infringe on anyone's rights.  They just want to have fun.  Now, if you'll excuse me… (runs to join Shelley's one woman mosh pit)

**A/N:  **Yeah yeah.  We took awhile updating.  SORRY.  Here ya go.  We love you guys.  We promise this chapter isn't quite as depressing.  And there will be a plot soon.  We promise.  

********************************************************************************************************************        

Buffy walked into the Magic Box.  Willow and Giles were already there, talking.

"What's up, guys?  Apocalypse?"

"Oh no.  Nothing of that magnitude.  Just a point of curiosity is all," Giles stated.

"Oh wow.  Free time.  Leisure research.  Never thought I'd see the day," Buffy replied sarcastically.

"It all kinda started with the conversation I had with Tara.  When she got captured, she did a spell," Willow said.

"What kind of spell?" Buffy asked, leery of the whole spell thing.

Giles noticed Buffy's nervousness.

"Tara sent out a cry for help," Giles explained.  "It's what made Xander see the visions."

"Yeah.  I noticed.  Xander…big headaches.  What's the problem?" Buffy questioned.

"The spell wasn't meant for Xander.  It was directed at me.  We don't know why he got them," Willow replied.

"Oh, that's a problem," Buffy said, nodding slowly.

*****

"Did Xander get home ok?" Dawn asked Spike.

"Yeah.  Got home.  Sat on the couch.  Watched television.  Drank blood.  Well, ok, I did that last part."

"Is he ok though?" Dawn asked worriedly.

"He's fine, Bit.  Still a little banged up, but ok."

"Oh good," Dawn replied with a smile.

"He said something about watching 'The Princess Bride' on Friday.  He told me I need to watch it."

"I love that movie!" Dawn cried happily.  "Cary Elwes is hot!"

Spike rolled his eyes.  "Bugger."

"You'll like it," Dawn reassured Spike.  "There are sword fights.  People die."

"Fine, it's not like I have anything else to do.  You got any fours?"

"Go fish," Dawn responded as if they'd never stopped paying attention to the game.  "You're turn, Drusilla."

"Do you have the King of Hearts, my Spike?"

"Dammit, Dru!  Cut it out!"

"Spike, she's cheating again," Dawn protested.

"She's evi, Nibblet.  What do you expect?"

"Well, you're evil and you're not cheating."

"I'm not the bloody psychic either.  She is."

Drusilla began to laugh.  She looked at Dawn.  "Do you have the Ace of Spades?"

"Aaaah!  I'm the green glowy key!  Why didn't the monks give me nifty psychic powers?"

"That's the breaks, dearie," Drusilla responded, deadpan.  "I win!" she said, setting all her matches out for everyone to see.  "Can we play again?"

"No, Dru.  You've won seven times in a row.  That's enough, pet," Spike said with a sigh.

"When is the boy going to come see me?" Drusilla asked with a pout.  "I miss his voice in my head."

"I don't know, Dru.  Frankly, he's a bit frightened of you."

Drusilla began to whimper.  Dawn glared at Spike.  Spike shrugged.

"I didn't mean to frighten him.  Grandmum was being mean to him."

Dawn placed a reassuring hand on Drusilla's arm.  She continued to glare at Spike.

Spike rolled his eyes.  "Fine, fine.  I'll talk to the whelp later."

Dawn smiled.  "Thank you, Spike."

Spike stood up.  "We better go, Nibblet.  Buffy will be here soon and I don't think she'll be happy to see you playing cards with one of her mortal enemies.J"

"Who?  You?"

Spike grinned.  "Well, yeah."

"Tell the White Knight not to be afraid.  I wouldn't hurt a hair on his head," Drusilla said quietly.

Spike nodded.  "All right, Dru."

Spike and Dawn left the room and shut the door behind them.  They walked quietly down the stairs and say on Giles' couch.

Almost immediately, Buffy walked in the door.

"Hey.  Have fun watching the nutty vamp?" Buffy asked.

"Hey.  How would you like if it I called you stupid slayer?" Spike asked with a grin.

"You do call me stupid slayer."

"Oh.  Well.  Never mind then."

"I did find out something interesting at the Magic Box tonight," Buffy said.

"What?  Are Giles and Anya into bondage?" Dawn asked.

Spike pinched Dawn's arm.  "Nibblet!"

"Ow!" she complained.  "What?"

"Don't put images like that into my head!"

Buffy scrunched her nose.  "Ew!  No!  It has to do with Xander!"

"Oh really?  What is it?" Spike asked with interest.

"Tara's call for help to Willow whammied Xander instead.  Apparently, that's why he had the visions.  The spell usually wears off whenever the person in trouble gets helped.  But since it went screwy, they're not exactly sure what will happen."  Buffy looked at Spike.  "Has Xander been acting strange?"

"Well, he has been too tired for sex lately.  What do I look like?  His boyfriend?"

"Spike!" Buffy squealed.

Dawn looked mildly interested however.

"No, he hasn't been acting any stranger than he usually does."

Dawn spoke up.  "I'm gonna go get some blood."

Buffy looked Dawn over for bite marks.  "Dawn?"

Dawn scowled.  "For Drusilla!  Stupid slayer!"

"You can't go up there by yourself, Dawn," Buffy said.

"Oh please.  There is a barrier around her room.  You guys are right here.  What's she gonna do?"  Dawn walked to the kitchen, heated up some blood, and walked upstairs.

Buffy looked at Spike after she heard the door shut.

"Should I be worried?"

"Don't worry.  I don't think she's becoming a groupie.  She just knows Drusilla is lonely."

"Ok, if you say so."

Buffy turned her body towards Spike.  "Angel called today."

"Bloody terrific."

"He called to tell me about Cordelia."

"What about it?"

"He said they were kinda dating.  He got all remorseful trying to soften the blow.  It was all I could do not to laugh."

"Why?"

"Cordelia already told me."

Spike laughed.  "I think they're perfect for each other.  He gets all broody, she smacks him around, he gets over it."

"Yeah.  They really are perfect for each other."

"Does it bother you?"

"No.  Not at all actually.  He's happy.  Not Angelus happy, but happy nonetheless.

"Well, that's good to hear, pet.  Any specific reason you mentioned this?"

"No, just working up the courage."

"For what, luv?"

Buffy placed her hand on Spike's shoulder.  He tilted his head and looked at her quizzically.  Buffy smiled.  She leaned toward him and closed her eyes…

"I'm ready to go, guys!" Dawn hollered from the top of the stairs.

Buffy and Spike sprang apart, both nearly toppling off the couch in shock.

Buffy smiled at Spike apologetically.  "Giles should be back in a little while."  She stood up.  "All right, Dawn!  Let's go!"  She walked to the front door and waved at Spike as Dawn gave him a big hug, then followed Buffy out the door.

Spike sighed.  "Bugger."


	5. Bob And The Chip

**Disclaimer:**

            [The next day.]

            Buffy:  Dammit!  Where are Kelley and Spike?

            Shelley:  (cowers) I don't know!  She won't let me tell you!

            Buffy:  Which is it?

            Shelley:  Uh…I don't know?

            Buffy:  (rolls eyes in frustration) Whatever!

            Xander:  Can we go play again?

            Willow:  No!  Your timeout isn't over for another thirty minutes!

            Xander:  But why?

            Buffy:  You guys poured coconut milk in my hair!

            Xander:  It moisturizes!  (smiles) And I thought you liked coconut!

            [Buffy glares at Xander.  He runs off in fright.  Shelley follows suit.]

Angel:  (sighs underneath his "Little Mermaid" umbrella and starts whining) I think I'm actually about to start sweating!  Why does it have to be so hot?  I think my hair might actually get messed up!

Cordelia:  Angel, get over it!

Giles:  (approaches the group, carrying a half-made coconut radio) Look!  I think it's almost finished!  (looks around) Where is that strange girl and Spike?

[The group sighs loudly and groans.]

Drusilla:  In a cave.  Having lots of fun.  And we're missing it.

[Suddenly, a large knife cuts through the air and Giles moves his hand away just in time as the coconut radio meets a higher power and ascends to the next plane of existence.]

Giles:  Bloody hell!  Why did you do that?

[The trouble-maker looks up from under her pith helmet.]

Chantelli:  Sorry.  I thought it was an alien.

Shelley:  (hollers from quite a distance) That's the next island over…due south!  Or something.

Buffy:  WHO are you?

Chantelli:  I'm Chantelli: The Computer Alien Slayer.

[Cue spooky music.]

Buffy:  Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Angel:  (articulating with his hands)  COMPUTER…ALIEN…SLAYER!

Buffy:  I heard her!  Sheesh!

[Angel hisses.]

Angel:  You're just mad cuz Spike's in a cave with Kelley and you weren't invited.

Buffy:  Am not!

Xander:  (hollers from a distance) LIAR!!!!!!!!!

Buffy:  That's it!  (runs off toward Shelley and Xander)

[Painful screams are heard in the distance.]

Chantelli:  Well, I better go slay some more aliens.  See you guys later.  (she waves her machete in the air and disappears in a poof)

Willow:  Why can't I do cool stuff like that? 

Drusilla:  Because Joss owns you…and everyone else too.  Kelley and Shelley are only using us for their amusement.  Damn the media!

Willow:  (looks confused) Who's Joss?

**A/N:**  Two chapters in one day.  Go us!  This chapter is just way out there.  Have fun reading it!  And the plot is getting there.  We mean it!

********************************************************************************************************************

Tara bounced into the lobby of the Hyperion.  She was carrying a large plastic bag in her hand.  She skipped gleefully over to the table, happy that Angel had allowed her to live in the Hyperion while she was in L.A.  Angel, of course, let her live there out of the goodness of his undead heart.  Well, that and the fact that the spell she'd put on Xander had caused him a lot of trauma which he found very amusing.  He didn't share this with anybody else.

"Chinese takeout!" Tara yelled very uncharacteristically.

She found out that at Angel Investigations you had to yell to be heard.

She set the bag on the table and noticed Angel staring intensely at the parrot that had become a favorite pet amongst everyone not long ago.  Everyone except Angel, that is, who was terrified of the "vile" creature.  Needless to say, he'd become the butt of many jokes as a result.  Angel kept insisting the parrot was of demonic origin and often accused it of speaking in latin chants to him.  Tara tried to sympathize with him.  She was the only one.  She walked over to stare at the bird with him.

"Angel?"  She tried to bring him out of his stupor.  "What are you looking at?"

"Demon bird," he replied flatly, not taking his eyes off the feathered fiend.

Tara just nodded and smiled, walking away slowly.

She began pulling takeout boxes from the bag and setting them on the table.

Cordelia was the first to come down the stairs.  "Did someone say takeout?  I'm starving!"  She looked over at Angel and rolled her eyes.  "What did the bird do now?"

"It's evil," he replied once again not taking his eyes off it.

"Do you know how long he's been staring at it?"

Tara shrugged.  "He was staring when I came in."

Cordelia grabbed a takeout box and sat in the nearest chair as Wesley and Fred came down the stairs.

"Hey, Angel.  How's Bob?" Fred asked cheerfully.

"It has been speaking latin again."  He refused to take his eyes away from the parrot.

"If this bird is some evil presence, why does it only speak latin to you?" Wesley asked.

"It's trying to drive me crazy," Angel said.

"By speaking latin?" Tara asked in amazement.

Gunn finally came down the stairs, playing with a yo-yo, but stopped when he heard how quiet it was.  He looked over at Angel.

"Angel, you're lookin' a little ruffled around the feathers there," Gunn said dryly.

Angel turned and glared at Gunn briefly before switching his gaze back to the "evil" parrot.

The takeout boxes were divided up.  They began eating quietly and after a moment, realized Angel was still staring at the damned bird.

"Uh, Angel, you gonna join us?" Gunn asked.

"Well, we know you don't eat or anything, or at least no in the literal sense, but maybe it'll help take your mind off the bird," Fred said.

Angel didn't respond.  He just stared.

Cordelia sighed.  "Angel, you're out of hair gel and they've discontinued that particular brand."  She paused.  "Angel, for god sakes!  Get over here before I move that bird up to your bedroom!"

"What?"  Angel's head snapped toward them in alarm, his game face on.  Tara jumped.  He noticed everyone staring at him in annoyance.  "I don't know its evil plot, I just know it has one," he said defensively.

Cordelia glared.  "Socialize!  Now!"

"Why do you have to be so bossy?" he asked with a sigh as he moved himself away from the cage and toward his friends.

Cordelia shrugged and hungrily shoved another bite of food into her mouth.

*****

"No, no, no, and a resounding NO!" Xander cried fretfully.

He tried to appear manly and forceful, but his dependence on the crutches really did not help matters.  He really hated Darla.  Next yime she showed up in Sunnydale, he'd break her leg and see how she liked it.

Buffy and Spike looked at each other and rolled their eyes.  They'd just gotten back from patrol and to Xander's apartment when the idea came to them suddenly.

"C'mon, Xand.  It won't be THAT bad," Buffy said pleadingly.  "I'll be here the whole time.  It won't hurt a bit."

"Un, excuse me guys.  You both have super strength.  Of course it's gonna hurt!" Xander cried emphatically.

"We really need to see if it was just a fluke or not," Buffy tried to explain.

"But do you have to experiment on me?" Xander asked in a panic-stricken voice.

"You're the one who started it," Buffy stated.

"But it's not my fault!" Xander screamed.  "Anyway, you're the Slayer.  You're supposed to protect me from vampires.  Not let them hurt me!"

Buffy stared at her shoes, feeling somewhat guilty. 

Xander rolled his eyes.  As if he hadn't been through enough already, he had to go and make her feel guilty.  "I didn't mean it like that," he grumbled.  He chided himself.  "Fine!  Fine.  Go for it!"

Spike cracked his knuckles in anticipation.  He stopped and tilted his head, looking Xander up and down.  He really had been through the wringer.  Darla had managed to break one of his legs, cracked a few ribs, caused some internal bleeding, not to mention a wicked bump on his head which was caused by Drusilla in all actuality.  He felt kind of bad for having to do this to the boy.  No.  Wait!  He didn't feel bad.  _Keep telling yourself that you poofter_ the voice in his head replied.  _You might even believe it!_

"Sit down, whelp," Spike said quickly.

"What?" Xander asked in confusion.

"I said SIT DOWN!"

"Why?"

Spike muttered something incoherently.

"I couldn't hear you," Xander nagged him.

"You're gonna make me bloody say it, aren't you?"  He sighed.  "I don't want you falling off the crutches.  You're banged up enough."

Buffy smiled.

"Not a word, Slayer!"

Spike looked at Xander who was now seated.  He grinned evilly, causing Xander to glare.

"Get it over with," Xander muttered.

Spike pulled back his fist and Xander flinched right before receiving a light-by-vampire-standards blow to the arm.  Xander only yelped for a moment.  Spike just stood waiting for the mind-numbing headache that never came.  His eyes lit up in amazement.

"Bloody hell, Slayer!  You were right!  I can hit the whelp!" he cried cheerfully.

"Goody for me," Xander responded, twirling a finger in the air.

Any comment Buffy had was suddenly stopped by a jerk to her ponytail.

"Ow!  You stupid vampire!  That hurt!" Buffy cried.

"I can hurt you too!" Spike cried, jumping up and down with the excitement of a five-year-old who had just gotten a candy bar.  "Do you know what this could mean?"

"We can be the Three Stooges?" Xander asked sarcastically.

"No. I can defend myself!" Spike replied.  "Does this mean I can feed again too?"  He looked over at Xander.

"All right!  This is where I draw the line!  You're not biting my neck," Xander reprimanded.

"Does this mean you'd go back to killing?" Buffy asked thoughtfully.

All three of them got quiet, realizing the scope of their discovery.  They all took turns looking at each other.

Finally, their attention was focused on Spike.

"Do you guys really think I'd do that?"

Buffy shrugged.

"I think that if you really wanted to now, you would have found a way around the chip already," Xander spoke up.

Buffy nodded.  "We just needed to know for sure."

Spike tilted his head at the Slayer and showed no shred of amusement in Buffy's lack of faith.  "Don't worry.  I'm sticking to the blood bag diet."  He shrugged.  "Besides, we don't even know if it's true yet, do we?"

An uncomfortable silence filled the room.

"I guess we should keep this between us for now," Buffy said.  "No need to spread panic if it turns out to be nothing."

Both men nodded in agreement.

"I'll be reseach boy…incognito," Xander stated.

"Well, I think that's enough experimenting for tonight," Spike said.  "Mind if I crash here for the night, whelp?"

"Why do you even bother asking?  All your stuff is here.  You take up more storage space than Anya did.  Buying blood has become as common as buying milk.  You even have my VCR programmed to record Passions.  You take all the hot water when you take showers.  Why you still consider your crypt home anymore is beyond me.  We even spray painted the windows in the guest room black yesterday so you wouldn't get all dusty.  What do you want?  An engraved invitation?  His and his towels?"

Spiked started to say something, but Xander cut him off.  "No!  We are not getting his and his towels!"

Spike started to say something again and Xander cut him off again.  "Don't argue with me, Spike!  I'm warning you!  I'll hit you with my crutch!"

"I'll hit you back," Spike mumbled.

"I'll steal your blood."

"I'll break into your chocolate stash!"

"You already did that!  Be more original!"

Buffy watched them continue to bicker, wondering if she should be jealous.  She smiled.  She never would have guessed that after learning Spike's chip no longer worked the same way that Xander would invite Spike to live with him.  She was amazed by the fact that Spike and Xander had gone from hating each other and quarrelling all the time to liking each other and still acting the exact same way.  She wondered if this change was apparent to everyone of if they just let their guard down when she was around.

She was suddenly yanked from her thoughts when she heard Xander cry out for her.  She looked at them and saw that Spike now had Xander in a headlock and was giving him a noogie while Xander unsuccessfully tried to get away.  She rolled her eyes and laughed.

"You guys act like a couple of five-year-olds!  You're worse than me and Dawn!"

"No we're not," Spike protested.

Xander flicked Spike's ear.

"Xander, stop it!" Buffy scolded.  "You're gonna hurt yourself again and we'll have to listen to you bitch about it for another two hours."

Xander looked down.  "Sorry, mom."  

Xander and Spike started to snicker.

Buffy rolled her eyes in defeat.  "I'm leaving."

Spike stopped laughing.  "Wait!"  He ran up to her and gave her a big hug, lifting her from the ground and shaking her back and forth.

Xander began laughing again and Spike put Buffy down.  Buffy, at a loss for words, started laughing as well.  Apparently, this was Hyperactive Spike.  She'd gotten so used to dark and melancholy Spike, so this was kind of hard to take.  Not to say she didn't like it though.

She turned and waved as she walked off.  "Bye guys!"

"Bye, mom!" the called in unison as the apartment door swung closed.

A few hours later, they'd managed to calm down.

Xander turned off the television and yawned.  "I don't know if I can take another commercial for 'Sins of the Father'," Xander complained.

"Well, you're the one that wanted to watch the all night 'Ally McBeal' marathon, whelp."

"I wanted to see the dancing baby."

"Speaking of freakish hallucinations and departing from reality, I need to talk to you about Drusilla."

Xander moaned.  "What about Drusilla?"

"She wants to see you."

"I don't wanna see her."

"It's not like she can hurt you, Harris."

"It's not that.  She's…weird."

Xander actually couldn't explain the weird feelings he got when he was around her.

"She did protect you from Darla."

"It's not that.  It's just…"

"Nervous, mate?"

"No!  Well, yeah.  She isn't exactly stable, after all."

"Xander, she is kinda lonely right now and you could show her some gratitude."

"Fine.  What should I do?" Xander asked reluctantly.


	6. She Said WHAT?

**Disclaimer:**

            [Spike walks toward the group quickly.]

            Buffy:  Oh!  So the bleached wonder finally decides to grace us with his presence.

            Spike:  Did you miss me, luv?

            Buffy:  (quickly) No!  What are you doing out here though?

            Spike:  Smoke break.

            Giles:  I'm not going to ask.  I don't want to know.

            Spike:  Oh, please!  She won't let me smoke in front of her.  Said something about allergies or something…some mortal thing.

            Willow:  Uh, Spike?  You have allergies.

            Spike:  What?  No I don't!

            Angel:  (rolls his eyes) Crosses, holy water, stakes through the heart, that pesky sunlight thing…

            Spike:  All right, I get your bloody point, Angelus.

            Angel:  Don't call me that!

            Cordelia:  Could you guys stop acting like a couple of five-year-olds?

            Drusilla:  Sun's down!  (throws umbrella at Spike) Time to go play with the kiddies and make pretty castles for Princess to live in. (runs off)

            [Everyone runs after Drusilla.  They stop when they see what Shelley and Xander have done.]

            Anya:  Wow…a city of sand!

            Drusilla:  All the little hermit crabs need a home, dearie.

            Xander:  Besides, what else is there to do?

            [Spike snorts…group turns to look at him.]

            Buffy:  We don't even want to know what you're doing in that cave, Spike.

            Spike:  Be nice, and I might invite you.

            Buffy:  Sorry, I'm not into threesomes.

            Spike:  (smirking) That's not how I heard it, pet.  

            [Buffy glares.  Spike runs off.  Buffy chases after him.]

            Willow:  (watching them leave) Oh well.  Xander, you have any more shovels?

            [Xander tosses Willow a little plastic shovel.  Willow begins to work on a wicked little Wicca hut for the hermit crabs.]

            Giles:  (cleans glasses and looks at Drusilla) I don't suppose the crabs have a bookstore yet.

            Drusilla:  Oh, no.  We're going to build one over there.

            Giles:  Ok then.  Well, I'll just get started on that.

            Anya:  Joss owns us, but not for sex.  He's just making horrendous amounts of money writing about our wacky and often hilarious misadventures.

            Willow:  (sighs) WHO…IS…JOSS?????

            Buffy:  (runs back to group) Spike disappeared.  I think he's back in that stupid cave, and I cannot find it anywhere.

            Shelley:  Sucks to be you.  (throws Buffy a bucket) Go get some water.  Put that Slayer strength to good use.

            Willow:  (mumbles) You think YOU have problems?  I don't even know who this Josh guy is.

            Anya:  JOSS!!!!!

            Willow:  SORRY!!!!

            [Everyone begins to work diligently on the sand city.]

**A/N:**  Hey!  We're back from Spring Break!  Guess what we did!  We wrote!  Oh yeah, and Kelley turned 21.  But mostly, we wrote.  We should be finishing up this story (in quite a few chapters) and starting…other projects.  Dun dun dun.  Ah yeah.  It's comin' baby!  Er, shutting up now.  PLEASE REVIEW!!!!

*************************************************************************************************

With a screech, Spike turned onto the road Giles lived on.  Xander held onto the package sitting on his lap as if his life depended on it.  He stared at the package.  After a moment, he looked up.

"Why do I have to do this, Spike?" Xander asked.

"Because, it's the good thing to do, mate," Spike replied.

"Good?  How?"

Spike grinned.  "Come on, whelp.  It will be all right."

"She's going to kill me," Xander said nervously.

"No, she won't."

Spike looked at Xander and narrowed his eyes before slamming on the brakes of his black DeSoto.

"Get out of the car," Spike commanded.

"Um, the word 'no' seems to come to mind," Xander retorted.

Spike rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders.

"Fine then.  I'll just make you."

"You can't MAKE me get out," Xander said indignantly.

Spike opened the door, got out and walked to the other side of the car.  He opened Xander's door and pulled him out.

"Noooo!  I can't go in there!"

"Dammit, Harris!  Why the bloody hell not?  What are you so afraid of?"

Xander looked at the door of Giles' apartment.  He looked down at the package in his hand.  He furrowed his brow.  "Is she here?"

Spike almost let out a frustrated sigh, until he realized what was going on.  He looked around quickly for any sign of the ex-demon's presence.  "Even if she is, show her you're strong."

Xander smiled weakly.  "I don't want to be strong.  I always have to be the strongest one.  Leave it up to good ol' Xander to make everyone else feel better at a bad time."

"If it makes you feel any better, your jokes never cause me any comfort," Spike responded.

"Ok, that didn't make me feel any better.  Thanks, Spike."

"I aim to please.  Now, come on."

"FINE!" Xander huffed.  He handed the package to Spike so he could get around.

Spike knocked on Giles' door.  Giles answered it quickly.

"My word, Spike.  Do you have to come by now?"

Spike nodded.  He patted Xander's back roughly.

"The whelp and I come bearing a gift."

"What is it?" Giles asked, stifling a yawn.

"Well, that's for us to know and someone else to find out."

"Whatever.  Just…make it quick," Giles demanded.

"Yeah.  I'm sure you have plans, Watcher."

"As a matter of fact, I have a date with sleep.  I'm quite tired.  Your sire has been driving me crazy.  She talks about things that make no sense.  And she keeps asking for her White Knight.  Who's her White Knight?"

Xander coughed when he heard the name.  It had been given to him by Angelus a few years ago.

Spike looked at Xander.  "What's with the White Knight?"

"A clever little nickname given to me by none other than Angelus," he replied sarcastically.  "He found it amusing."

"Ok, so why?" Spike asked.

"Buffy was sick in the hospital.  Angelus came to visit her.  Somehow I got him to go away.  He called me Buffy's White Knight.  That's the story really."

"Ok, I think I'm going to be sick.  Just be quick," Giles mumbled.

Spike and Xander walked into Giles' apartment.  Xander shared a look with Giles.  Giles looked away quickly and Spike and Xander walked upstairs to Drusilla's room.  Spike knocked on the door and then opened it, looking inside.

"Um, hi, Drusilla."

Drusilla smiled.  "My Spike!  I'm happy to see you.  Are you here to play a game?"

"Er, no.  Someone's here."

"Oh goody," Drusilla said, clapping her hands.

"One second."  He stepped out of the room.  "Go on in, Harris."  He shoved the package against Xander's chest.  Xander awkwardly grabbed hold of it and shook his head quickly.  He shoved the package back into Spike's arms.  Spike glared and shoved the package right back into Xander's arms.

"Go!  She can't hurt you even if she wanted to.  And she doesn't want to hurt you.  So go in there."

Xander didn't budge.  Spike grabbed his shoulder and guided him into the room, quickly closing the door.

Xander turned as the door closed.  Damn Spike!  He turned his head towards the door then towards Drusilla.  He tried to figure out what to do, hoping he didn't have a panic attack.  He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, wishing this wasn't happening.  
  


"Good evening," Drusilla said softly.

Xander, startled, opened one eye, looking at Drusilla.  Drusilla was grinning.  He opened the other eye.  Drusilla tilted her head, still grinning.

"Uh, hi," Xander replied awkwardly.

"Did you bring me a present?"

"Huh?" He looked at the package that was slowly slipping from his arms.  "Oh, that.  Yeah.  It's for you."

Xander cautiously walked to the bed and set the present down right in front of Drusilla.  He took two difficult steps backwards.  Drusilla frowned.

"You're afraid."

Xander grinned sheepishly.  "No.  No.  Pfffft.  I'm not afraid."  He stopped grinning.  "Ok, I'm terrified.  Is that better?"

"Miss Edith likes you."

  
Xander groaned inwardly.  He stared at the crazy vampire for a long time.  She was starting to hypnotize him.

Xander blinked.  "S-stop.  Don't do that."

"What?" Drusilla asked, confused.

"The hypnotizing thing."

"Sorry.  I didn't mean to."

"You were starting to sway.  I could feel you getting in my head."

"Miss Edith gets nervous when people stare."

"Yeah.  So does Xander.  I mean, so do I."  He shook his head.  "So, are you going to open your present?"

Drusilla smiled.  "I like presents.  Daddy gave me a girl's heart for Valentine's Day once.  That's the day I fell in love with you.  Daddy was mad at me.  You played with my head.  Miss Edith wasn't mad though."

Xander laughed quickly.  "Good.  I mean, not good that the spell caused all the women to go crazy.  I mean, not crazy.  Er, ah, shutting up now."

"You're a funny boy."  She looked in the box and smiled.  "I like presents.  You brought Miss Edith to me."  She held up the doll that came in the box and frowned at it.  "Miss Edith, we must not say naughty things about the boy."

"Oh my.  That's uh…disturbing," Xander said, laughing nervously.

"I'll punish her."  She looked at the doll.  "You can't go fishing with us next time Spike and the pretty green light come to play."  She paused.  "Because you make the boy uncomfortable when you say such things."

Xander blushed.  "Whoa.  So, do you like your present?"

"The stars are whispering.  Do you hear them too?  My mum used to say I was evil because the stars whispered to me.  She's dead now."  She shook her head softly.  "Is it time for you to leave now?"

"Yeah. Giles wants to go to bed."

"Will you come back and see us?  I'll make sure Miss Edith minds her manners next time."

"I…well, I…" Xander began, shifting uneasily.

"I won't let grandmum hurt you.  She's far away from here right now."

"Oh, sure.  I'll be back another time."

Drusilla smiled.  "Goody.  We can have a party."

"Oh, ok.  Parties are fun.  Well, bye, Drusilla."

"Bye, Xander."

Xander looked at Drusilla.  He was surprised she had used his real name.  She never used real names.  He walked out the door.  Spike was leaning against the wall on the opposite side.

"Well, how'd it go, Harris?"

"Shut up, Fangless.  I know you heard everything."

Spike chuckled.  "I wonder what Miss Edith said.  Drusilla was not happy with it.  Crazy Miss Edith."

"Miss Edith said, 'Let's use the chains on him and play a naughty…'"

Xander's words trailed off.  Spike stopped abruptly.  He looked at Xander whose eyes were wide as saucers.

"What did you say?"

Xander didn't respond.  He was too dumbfounded by what he'd just said.  He couldn't believe the words came out so easily since he'd noticed it while he was in the room.

"Ok, now I'm having a major wiggins."

"Me too.  Xander, when?  What?  When?  How?  When?"

"Wonderful questions, Spike.  I don't know the answers."

"No one has actually ever heard Miss Edith before."

"Except Drusilla," Xander said.

"And you," Spike added.

They started to walk again.

"And Drusilla started to hypnotize me.  It was accidental, but I stopped once I felt her get into my head.  Spike, why could I feel that?  Am I going crazy?"

"I have no idea what is going on."

"Dammit!  Once again, I'm the buttmonkey!"


	7. Attack Of The Soda Can

**Disclaimer:**

            Willow:  Oooooooh!  Now I get it!  

            Giles:  Get what?

            Willow:  Joss owns us!  Joss is a writer like these two crackheads with the rhyming names on the island with us.

            Kelley:  (suddenly appearing) Hey!  I resemble that remark!

            [Everyone except for Shelley jumps in shock.  Kelley and Shelley begin chatting]

            Kelley:  So, what have you been up to?

            Shelley:  Me and Xander played in the sand.  We made a sand city!

            Kelley:  (pats Shelley on the head) That's nice, dearie.

            Shelley:  I'd ask what you were up to, but I already have an idea you sly dog!

            [Kelley giggles like a school girl]

            Shelley:  But I'm cooler cuz I have a tan now!

            Kelley:  (glares) In my defense, I don't tan.  I just burn and then it goes away and I'm my usual paleness once more.  I can't help it if the sun hates me.

            Drusilla:  Yes, the sun is a cruel, cruel fiend.  Up there in the sky…laughing!

            Kelley:  Ok, I was just making sure everyone was still alive.  Toodles! (disappears in a puff of smoke)

            Buffy:  (mumbles) I wish I could disappear like that.  I don't get any cool powers.

            Shelley:  Whatever!  Helllllllllllllloooooo!  Slayer strength.  Handy dandy when you need to lift heavy objects.

            Cordelia:  Don't you need to go off and play with Xander or something?

Shelley:  Well, we finished our sand city.  Now I want to go in the cave.  Xander, wanna go to the cave?  We're good and tan now.  We can make Kelley and Spike feel really pale.

Xander:  Hmmm.  Annoy Spike?  What's not to love?  Let's go!  Can we disappear in a puff of smoke too?

Shelley:  Not quite.  That's Kelley's thing.  But I have something better.  (looks up) Beam me up, Scottie!

[Xander and Shelley disappear Star Trek style]

Buffy:  (stomps her foot) Why can't I get in the cave?  Joss owns us!  But Kelley and Shelley are the ones who really enjoy torturing us!

Angel:  No, just you, Buffy.

Giles:  (holding up the hard copy of "I'll Most Likely Kill You In The Morning") Angel, did you even read their last story?

[Shelley and Kelley reappear]

Shelley:  It was all done in love!

Kelley:  Yeah!  We love you, Angel!  We really do!

[Shelley and Kelley hug Angel]

Shelley:  But it was just too easy!

[Shelley and Kelley disappear in a puff of smoke]

Willow:  I wish they'd quit doing that!

Angel:  (snatches copy of story from Giles' hand) What have they done to me?  (flips through the story) What?!?!?!? (begins to brood)

**A/N: ** Our next chapter!  Hahahah!  We thought we'd give you a prize for waiting so long!  Booyah!

**********************************************************************************************************

At the Summer's residence, another unusual scene was unfolding.  Buffy and Dawn were preparing dinner.  Spagettios, of course.  This was a new and strange ritual, after all.

Dawn looked up from where she was stirring the mixture.  "Should we, like, make a salad or something?" she asked.

Buffy debated the question for a moment.  "Do we have any of the prepackaged bags of lettuce and carrots, and stuff?" she asked, rummaging through the fridge.  She started to dig through the assorted pieces of Tupperware, soda cans, and juice containers.

"Aha!" she shouted triumphantly, throwing a bag onto the counter.  She closed the door.  "We've even got two kinds of salad dressing," she added, waving the half-empty bottles for emphasis.  "So, what's the tally up to now?"

"We've got spagettios, easy-bake garlic bread, salad…oh!  And those little cookies that you just break off and bake."

"I think there's some kind of snazzy technical name for those things," Buffy mused.

Dawn just waved the thought away and continued where she left off.  "Root beer for me, diet for you.  Why do you drink diet anyway?  You have super metabolism."

"I like the taste," Buffy defended.

"Please!  No one REALLY likes the taste of diet.  You afraid you'll get fat?" Dawn mocked.

"No!" Buffy exclaimed.  "I just got used to drinking it when I was still a ditzy airhead, and never broke the habit."

"Come on!  Try a root beer.  You know you wanna," Dawn wheedled.  She took the can and started waving it slowly in front of Buffy's face.  "Rood beer, root beer," she chanted.

"No!  I don't want a root beer dammit!"

The argument came to an abrupt halt as the door burst open.  Dawn used her soda can as a projectile weapon, and hurled it at the intruder.

"Ow!  My nose!" Spike howled.  "I think you broke my bloody nose!"

"Oh!  Sorry, Spike," Dawn exclaimed.  "I thought we were being attacked."

"You threw that, Nibblet?" Spike asked.

"Yeah," Dawn admitted sheepishly.  "Sorry."

Spike tried to set his nose and howled in pain again.  Dawn looked guilty.  She glanced at Buffy and saw her desperately trying to hold in a fit of giggles.

"Stop being such a baby," Buffy demanded.  "You're a big bad vampire.  You can take assault by root beer."

Xander finally managed to wobble in the door.  "Hey, what'd I miss?"

"Dawn broke Spike's nose," Buffy supplied.

"Way to go, Dawn Patrol!" Xander cheered.

Dawn took a little bow.  "So, did you guys just smell the food, or did you need something?"

"Well, before my nose got broken," Spike began.

Buffy scowled.  "Oh, for the love of Pete!"  She walked, grabbed his nose, and snapped it back in place.  Spike cried out in pain, his eyes watering.  Standing on her tiptoes, she kissed the end of his nose.  "There.  All better," she said, smiling.  He managed to smile and lift one eyebrow through the pain.  She put a towel in his hand and held it up to his nose.  "Don't bleed on my floor."

That problem solved, Dawn and Xander began making gagging noises.  "Get a room, you guys!"

Buffy and Spike shared a knowing look and rolled their eyes.

"Seriously, though," Buffy continued.  "What are you doing here?"

"It's kind of a funny story really," Spike said.  His voice was remarkably unmuffled by the towel he still held to his nose.  Guess that was one of the advantages of not having to breathe.  "You see, the whelp and I decided to drop in on the Watcher and Dru earlier.  The whelp was taking her a present, seeing as she protected him and all, and Ripper got mad at us for keeping him from going to bed.  You know, he's keeping really weird hours."

"Is there a point here?" Buffy asked, slightly unnerved by his babbling.  She'd only heard him do it a couple of times, and it usually meant a startling revelation.  Like when she found out he was in love with her.

Spike looked at Buffy nervously.  He didn't know how to put what he was about to tell her into words.

"I heard Miss Edith!" Xander exclaimed.

"What?" Buffy and Dawn asked simultaneously.

"I heard Miss Edith.  I went to see Drusilla.  We talked for a couple of minutes, and then Miss Edith said something that I can't repeat in front of Dawn."

Buffy and Dawn gaped at Xander.  Buffy went over to Xander and felt his forehead.

  
"You don't feel warm.  Sit down while I get the thermometer."

"Buffy, I'm not delirious!" Xander exclaimed, but sat in the chair anyway.  Hobbling around on crutches all day took a lot of effort.

"I'm pretty sure he's telling the truth, Slayer," Spike argued.

"Why would I lie about this?" Xander asked.  "Miss Edith may look like a doll, but she's got the mind of a dominatrix!"

"That's it.  You're lying down," Buffy told him.

"Dammit!  Why don't you people ever believe me?" Xander asked, trying to stop Buffy from putting a thermometer in his mouth.

"If your temperature is normal, then I'll listen."  She stuck the thermometer in his mouth.

He crossed his arms over his chest and scowled.  "Yes, mother."

Spike snickered.  Dawn looked at him strangely.  A minute later, the thermometer beeped and showed that Xander was not delirious with fever.

Dawn smirked.  "Can we take Spike's temperature too?"

"I don't have a temperature," Spike argued.

"Yeah, take his temperature," Xander said.  "He believes me.  He might be the one that is delirious."

It was Spike's turn to scowl.  Xander covered his mouth to hide his laughter.  Buffy punched Spike in the stomach and when he opened his mouth, she shoved the thermometer in.

"I bet Angel never had to go through this shit," Spike muttered.

"Quiet!" Buffy reprimanded.  "Is that under your tongue?"

Spike smirked around the thermometer.  "Would you like to check, luv?"

"Spike, you're a pig."

"You're the one that asked," Dawn pointed out.

"Shut up, Dawn!" Buffy yelled.

Everyone waited patiently for the thermometer to beep.  They waited, and waited, and waited some more.  Finally, Buffy gave up.  "You have to be difficult with everything, don't you, Spike?  You don't register.  I guess that means you're okay.  So, what's this with Drusilla?"

Spike and Xander gave a blow by blow of the encounter.  After throwing several theories around and eating all the ready to bake cookies, they decided to give up.  They'd go to the Magic Box tomorrow and ask Giles.


	8. Delusions Of Miss Edith

**Disclaimer:**

[Angel walked around under his umbrella, brooding.]

            Angel:  I can't believe they said those things about me in their story!

            Cordelia:  (pats him on the back) Oh, come on!  It's not THAT bad!  They did apologize.

            Angel:  They had Darla STAKE me!

            Cordelia:  But you didn't die!  Well, you didn't get all dusty.  And you healed quickly.

            Angel:  That's not the point!  They put that stupid bird in there!  How did they know I was afraid of birds?

            Cordelia:  You're really afraid of birds?  (grins) Good guess.

            Angel:  It's not fair!  They did nothing but torment me the whole time!

            Cordelia:  Hey!  They got you together with me!

            Angel:  Like I said, they did nothing but torment me!

            Cordelia:  (grabs the handle of Angel's umbrella) I suddenly feel the need to be in the shade.

            Angel:  Oh come on.  You know I'm kidding!

            Cordelia:  Ok, prove it to me.  (she drags him down the beach)

            Xander:  (looking traumatized) Oh my god!

            Giles:  (panics) Someone stop them!  He's going to lose his soul again!

            Xander:  With Cordelia?

            Giles:  (thinks it over) Good point.  (waves) Have fun you two!  Good riddance.

            Buffy:  (walks over to Giles and Xander) Hey, where are they going?

            Shelley:  They're gonna do the horizontal mambo!

            Buffy:  (gasps in shock) WHAT???????

            Shelley:  Oh come on.  It's not that bad.  Sure, evil…but leather pants!

            Buffy:  You won't say that after he kills you.

Shelley:  Oh he won't kill me.  I'm the author.  Besides, I know Kelley packed that Orb of Thessulah somewhere.  Actually, Kelley and Spike were playing with it while me and Xander were in the cave with them.

Buffy:  What do they do in there ALL DAY?

Xander:  (shrugs) I don't know.  Stuff.

Buffy:  (grabs Xander's shirt) Tell me!!!!!!!!

Xander:  Geez, Buff, it's not that big of a deal.  (looks at Shelley) Let's go build those huts now!

Shelley:  Woohoo!  Okay, good deal.  Bye, Buffy.

[Shelley and Xander run off to build shelter for everyone.]

Buffy:  What are they doing in there? 

[Cut to cave.]

Kelley:  Spike!  Stop it!  Spike!  I need to say the disclaimer!

Spike:  Joss owns us.  (waves to imaginary audience) Now go away!  We're busy.

[Cut back to middle of island.]

Buffy:  I REALLY wish I could find that cave!

**A/N:  **We're so hyper that we decided to update again!  Yay!!!!  Anyway, much more wackiness.  Our special guest is at the beginning.  Does anyone know who it is?  More fun to be had throughout the story.

***************************************************************************************************

The mechanic winced sympathetically as the damaged American classic sputtered its way into the repair garage.

"Lemme guess," the mechanic started.  "You had a bad run in with the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign?"

The man behind the wheel looked at the mechanic in surprise.  "How'd you know?" he asked.

The mechanic laughed.  "There's another guy, comes in here every so often, likes to bang up the sign.  I think it's some kind of catharsis for him."  He pointed to the black DeSoto parked at the other end of the garage.  "He brought it in just this morning, before sunup to get the dings out.  Said he ran over the sign about a week and a half ago.  I don't know why you guys treat these cars so bad."

The man looked over at the car the mechanic had indicated.  _Nice car_, he thought.  _It'd be even nicer if the windows weren't spray painted black.  Why would a guy spray pain every window black?_  The man quickly pushed the thought aside.  This was the Hellmouth after all.

The mechanic looked up from the inspection of the mysterious man's vehicle.  "I'll have her ready for you in a couple of days, mister," he stated.

The man smiled.  "Good.  I don't want to stay here any longer than I have to.  Any places I should visit before then?"

The mechanic chuckled.  "Not much to see in Sunnydale," he replied.  "Couple of shops on Main Street, the gallery, but not much else."  The mechanic paused for a moment, as if debating his next words.  "I wouldn't be going much of anywhere after dark, either.  Strange things happen in this town at night.  You don't want to get messed up in that."

"I'll keep that in mind," the man answered.  "Thanks."  He walked out of the garage and into the early afternoon sunlight.

The newcomer strolled down Main Street, watching the citizens of Sunnydale as they enjoyed the day.  How could so many people be so clueless?  As if to emphasize his point, a manhole cover in the middle of the street was pushed off and a smoking, blanket-covered figure sprinted into the shop across the road from where the man stood.  He looked up at the sign above the shop's door.

The Magic Box.  Why would a vampire want to go into a magic shop in the middle of the day?  Most vampires he'd met didn't use magic.  He wasn't even sure if Angel ever used magic.  But, that was something to think about later.

As he continued to watch the shop, he saw two others approach.  One was a tall, lanky, dark-haired boy on crutches…wait, was that the Slayer with him?  He was almost certain she'd died a few months ago.  Surely his connections weren't that bad.  He thought about investigating further, but the idea of a vampire, and what could possibly be the Slayer in the same room as him made him realize he'd much rather be at Starbucks.

*****

The bell above the door jingled, signifying Buffy and Xander's entrance.

"Did your spider sense go off a second ago?" Xander asked.

"No," Buffy answered.  "Why?"

"I got the strangest feeling we were being watched," Xander explained.  "It was weird."

Any other comments stopped when he spotted Anya at the counter.  He looked at her awkwardly for a moment.

"Hi," he muttered.

"Hi," she answered, just as awkwardly.

Xander quickly made a bee-line for the tables near the back while Anya concentrated on the cash register even more than usual.

Giles approached Xander warily.  "So, what is the ,er, problem Buffy contacted us about earlier?"

"It's kind of hard to explain," Buffy began.

"I think I'm going crazy," Xander interjected.

"What?!" Giles exclaimed.  That wasn't what he'd expected.  Apocalypse, maybe, but not this.

"He said he was going crazy," Anya supplied from where she stood.

"Thank you, Anya.  I heard the first time," Giles replied.

"I was just trying to be helpful," Anya complained.  "I may not date him anymore, but I do want him mentally stable."

"We appreciate it, Anya.  Really," Willow assured her.

Buffy sat down in the chair next to Spike and picked up a large tome.

"So, did you and Xander have fun last night?"

"Yeah, thanks for taking my temperature," Spike answered.  "My nose healed just fine, thanks for asking."

"And you were being such a baby about it."  Buffy smiled and grabbed his hand under the table.

"Nibblet's got an arm on her."  Spike gave Buffy's hand a gentle squeeze.  "So, I'm going to see 'The Princess Bride' tonight and you're going to see 'The Princess Bride' tonight.  Why don't we go together?"

Buffy put her free hand to her chest as if deeply touched.  "Spike, are you asking me out on a date?"  She looked around the Magic Box.  Willow and Giles were still busy interrogating Xander.  "You want to watch the movie with me?"

Spike smirked.  "I didn't say we were going to watch it, luv."

Buffy scowled at him, but her heart wasn't really in it.  She answered in her tried and true manner.  "Spike, you're a pig."

Spike just grinned.  Then he stuck his tongue out at her.

"I am NOT delirious!" Xander yelled.

Buffy and Spike broke out of their private conversation.  They'd definitely missed something.

"Buffy, what do you have to say on the matter?" Giles asked.

"Huh?" Buffy asked.  "Why're you asking me for?  He's the one hearing Miss Edith talk to him."

"Hey, in my defense," Xander said, "she was talking to Drusilla.  Not me."

"Either way, whelp," Spike argued, "you're still hearing voices.  Maybe you've been conked on the head one too many times."

"Ooh, the spell!" Willow exclaimed.

"What spell?" Xander asked, now somewhat frightened.

"I didn't do it, Tara did," Willow quickly clarified.

"Way to blame it on your girlfriend, Red," Spike observed drolly.

Willow blushed.  "I wasn't blaming, just clearing a few things up is all.  Anyway…"

Willow quickly recapped the spell Tara had cast while being held captive by Darla and Drusilla.  Those who'd heard it before took a quick nap, but Xander listened rather astutely.

"…so since the spell didn't work as expected, Tara and I thought there might be a few, you know, side effects."

"And you were going to tell me about this when?" Xander asked.  "This isn't exactly dry mouth, you know!"

"Well, there weren't any side effects normally and we didn't want to get you worried."

"Willow does bring up an interesting point," Giles interjected before the argument could go any further.  "The spell has no adverse side effects.  Your symptoms maybe completely unrelated, from a totally different source. And it's always possible these 'voices' are completely hallucinatory."

"And we're back to the 'I'm delusional' theory."  Xander grabbed his crutches and lurched to his feet.  "I think I'll grab some books, and work on what we have so far.  Either I'm crazy," he said, grabbing a psychology book from among the ancient tomes, "as all of you like to keep pointing out."  He snatched another book off the shelves.  "Or maybe Drusilla is on to something."  He slung one of the backpack straps over his shoulder before leaning on his crutches once more.  "So, Buff, I'll see you tonight at Giles' for the mega-movie-extravaganza?"

"I don't see why you guys have to include Drusilla," Willow said.

"It was Dawn's idea," Xander informed her.

"What?" Buffy asked, surprised.  "I thought it was Spike's idea.  Are you letting your sire corrupt my sister?"

"What are you talking about?  She lives in Sunnyhell.  She's been corrupted for years."

Buffy hesitated.  "Yeah, well, if she starts reenacting her childhood by carrying around dolls and having tea parties, I'm going to kill you slowly."

"Hey, Wills, why don't you join us?" Xander asked.  He wanted as many people between him and Drusilla as possible.

"I can't," Willow answered.  "I'm talking to Tara tonight.  It's kind of a set thing every week."

"Ok, your loss.  You ready, Buffster?"

"Yeah, just let me get my stuff."  She pulled Spike closer, using the hand that still clasped his under the table.  "Pick me up at eight o'clock," she whispered.

Buffy and Xander went out the door, leaving their friends to stare at the chipped badass vampire now sporting a goofy grin.


	9. The Princess Bride

Disclaimer: 

            [Cordelia and Angel walk back to the middle of the island.  It is night now, and he no longer needs his umbrella.  The two are holding hands.]

            Cordelia:  Oh my god, Angel!  That was so great!  I mean…wow.

            Angel:  (smirks) I like this island.  (looks up at the sky) Thank you, Kelley and Shelley.

            Cordelia:  (looking up as well) Yeah, thanks!  I owe you guys!

            Buffy:  (glares) Where the hell have you guys been?

            Angel:  Buffy, do me a favor.

            Buffy:  What?

            Angel:  Shut up.

            Buffy:  (gapes) Huh?

            Angel:  Let me give you some friendly advice.  Get a boyfriend.  He'll make you a lot less tense.  Or a girlfriend, if you prefer.

            Xander:  Wow.  You got a backbone.

            Angel:  Yeah, and it only took two years in L.A. and two days or so on a mysterious island.

            Drusilla:  Did you have fun, Daddy?

            Angel:  Oh yeah, baby.  You should try it sometime.

            [Drusilla looks at Xander and smiles.  Xander backs up in fear.]

            Shelley:  (looks up) Kelley, get your ass down here!  Me and Xander need a tree!

            [Kelley and Spike suddenly materialize.]

            Kelley:  A tree?  What the hell for?

            Shelley:  Yeah!  We need a Swiss Family Robinson house.

            Xander:  I've always wanted one.

            Kelley:  You interrupted our fun for this?

            Spike:  (rolls eyes) Bloody hell.  Get it over with fast, pet.

            Buffy:  PET?!?!?!?!?

            Spike:  Oh, don't worry.  I've got other names for you, Slayer.

            Kelley:  (snaps fingers) Let there be a tree.  (tree mysteriously appears) Anything else?

            Shelley:  (looks at Angel and smiles) Black umbrella.  (elbows Kelley in the side) He's earned it, don't ya think?

            Kelley:  (looks at Angel and smiles as well) Definitely.

            Spike:  (looks Angel up and down) Jesus Fucking Christ!

            Xander:  What?

            Spike:  No fucking way!  

            Xander:  What?

            Spike:  You've got to be kidding me!  Bloody hell!

            Shelley:  Leather pants.

            Kelley:  How ya doin', Angelus?

            [Everyone gasps in shock.]

            Angelus:  Yeah baby.  I'm back.

            Cordelia:  I did notice that you were happier than normal.

            [Kelley and Shelley cheer loudly.]

            Shelley:  Go near Xander and I'll give you your soul back.  I do have the power.  Well, Kelley has the power actually.

            Willow:  (brightly) Is she a witch?

            Kelley:  (laughs) Heh, no.  But I have AUTHOR POWER.

            [Cue the super hero music.]

            Shelley:  Ok, let's go work on that tree house, Xander.

            Angelus:  Don't worry.  I'll be good…sort of.  You know, we still are the property of Joss.  We can't exactly kill them.

            Spike:  (looks at Kelley) You made a tree.  That means we can get back to what we were doing.  Let's go!

            Drusilla:  Have fun!  (leaves to help Xander and Shelley build)

            [Kelley and Spike disappear.]

            Buffy:  My life sucks.

            Willow:  At least I don't have any pets with me.

            Cordelia:  All right, buster.  Break's over.  Back to where we came from!

            Angelus:  Yes, ma'am.

            [Angelus and Cordelia walk off, hand-in-hand.]

Giles:  Joss owns us.  I wish he'd come save us.  These authors are obviously psycho.  At least they haven't done anything to me yet.  (looks around desparately for some wood…to knock on.)

**A/N:  **That's right, ladies and gents.  The chapter you've been waiting for!  The gang, well most of them, sit down to watch The Princess Bride.  Wackiness ensues.  You better believe it too.  Oh yeah, Dawn's a pervert.  Fun times.

*****************************************************************************************

Spike walked up to Buffy's front door and stopped.  Instead of knocking, he wiped his sweaty palms on his black jeans.  _Since when do vampires get sweaty palms?_ he thought.  _God!  I'm a freak!_

He wished he could see his reflection just to make sure his hair looked all right.  Oh well.  The run-my-hand-through-my-hair-and-hope-it-looks-good method seemed to work pretty well for the past 120 years. Why stop now?  

He breathed into his hand to make sure he didn't have blood breath. He smacked his forehead, realizing he was acting just like a horny teenage boy.  He hadn't been a teenager for well over a hundred years.

  
He growled quietly to remind himself that he was a Master Vampire with a reputation to uphold.  That's right.  A badass traitor to his own kind.  At least he was still a rebel.  No other vampire had dared to try and successfully date the Slayer.  He kicked the small voice in his head that screamed ANGEL.

"Are you gonna stand there all night or are you gonna knock?" the Slayer yelled from the other side of the door.

He rolled his eyes.  Damn her spider sense!

"Glad to see I still show up on your vampdar!" he yelled back at her, then knocked.

"Be there in a minute!" she yelled.

"Bloody hell!  Why'd you tell me to knock then?"

"It's tradition!  Guy knocks, girl isn't ready, guy waits outside!"

He crossed his arms over his chest and began tapping his foot impatiently.

"I can hear that tapping!" she hollered.

"I don't like tradition.  Hurry up!"

Almost immediately, she opened the door.  His breath, or at least he thought it was his breath, caught in his throat.  There was his beautiful slayer.

"You look fantastic, luv!"

Buffy raised an eyebrow and grinned, looking at her clothes.  "Spike, I'm wearing sweatpants and a tank top.  The elastic in the pants is broken and the shirt is stained in either demon blood or spaghetti sauce.  I haven't figured out which."

"So?" he questioned very seriously.  "You're still gorgeous."

Buffy didn't quite know what to say to that.  She refused to blush in front of Spike, but her face betrayed her.  Damn vampire.  

Thankfully, he was in such a good mood that he didn't even call her on it.

"Well, uh, let's go to the Watcher's house.  If we don't get there soon, there's no telling what Drusilla will teach them," Spike responded nervously.

"So, are we driving or walking?" Buffy asked.

"Walking.  My bloody car is still in the shop."

Buffy smiled evilly.  Spike became mildly frightened.

"Race you to Giles'!" Buffy cried, suddenly taking off.

"Wait up you cheater!" Spike yelled, running after her.

A whopping minute and a half later, they arrived at their destination, both gasping for breath, reflexively if not literally in Spike's case.  They both busted in the door, scaring the hell out of Giles, who was trying to drink his tea.

"Holy fucking Christ!" Giles exclaimed, grabbing the nearest weapon, in this case a six-month-old fruitcake.  He smiled when he saw that is was just Buffy and Spike, happy that he at least found his favorite door stop.

"Giles!" Buffy cried in shock and alarm.

"What?  I'm not allowed to spew obscenities?" he asked innocently.

Buffy and Spike shrugged and ran upstairs to Drusilla's room.

"We're here!" Buffy announced loudly.

Spike deftly caught the soda can that came careening at his face.

"Thanks, Nibblet," he said, glaring.

"We were wondering when you guys were going to get here!  We've been ready for half an hour!" Dawn chided.

Buffy and Spike looked around, seeing Drusilla chained to one side of the bed, Dawn camped out in a nest of pillows on the other side of the bed, and Xander as far away from Drusilla as humanly possible while still being able to see the TV.

Buffy and Spike took their seats on the floor at the foot of the bed.  Dawn was generous enough to throw two pillows at their heads.

"Hey!  Someone start the movie!" Xander cried.

"What?  Is your leg broken?" Buffy asked.

Spike shoved Buffy gently into the pillow as Xander cried an annoyed "YES!"

Spike got up after a few muttered curses and hit the play button.  After some annoying previews, the movie finally started.

**[Kid coughing.  Scene opens with an ancient baseball video game being played.]**

"Hey!  That's the kid from 'The Wonder Years'!" Spike exclaimed.

"You watched 'The Wonder Years'?" Dawn asked.

"What would you do-oo if I sang out of tu-u-ne?  Would you stand up and walk out on me-ee!" Spike began to sing, but was abruptly cut off when Buffy hit him in the head with a pillow.

"Shhh!" Drusilla scolded loudly, waving her hands about.  "Miss Edith is trying to watch the movie!"

**["Farmboy, fetch me that pitcher!"]**

"Vampboy, stake that vampire for me!  It's raining!"

"Spike!" Buffy squealed.

"Vampboy, get me that thing from that really tall shelf.  I'm too short to reach it!"

"Spike," Buffy said through gritted teeth.

"Vampboy, give me your 'Passions' tape.  I'm too embarrassed to tape it myself."

Buffy knocked him over and held a pillow over his face.

Spike muttered something incoherently under the pillow.

"What?" Buffy asked, raising the pillow.

"Vampboy, I'm a stupid slayer and forgot you don't breathe!"

Buffy smacked Spike upside the head and sat up.

**["Princess Buttercup!"]**

"Pretty girl," Xander commented.

"Stupid name," Buffy scoffed.

"And Buffy's better?" Xander asked.

"Like Xander's any more normal," Buffy retorted.

"At least mine's short for something," Xander shot back.

**["We are but poor lost circus performers."]**

"We live in a tantric sex tent," Dawn mimicked.

"Dawn!" Buffy cried.

Drusilla giggled.  "We dance to the pretty music all night long."

**["…no more rhymes now, I mean it!**

**Anybody want a peanut?"]**

"I really like the rhyming game," Xander quipped.

"Everyone always talks the same," Drusilla sing-songed.

Xander stared at Drusilla for a moment.  He grinned.

"I think this movie is really great," Xander said.

"The stars like to sing your fate," Drusilla replied, grinning impishly.

"Let's roll out the welcome mat," Xander tried again.

"I think I'll wear his throat as a hat," Drusilla purred.

Xander shot a nervous look at Drusilla.  He narrowed his eyes when he heard a female British voice in his head say, _That's all I have to say about that!_  He held Drusilla's gaze a moment longer before erupting into laughter.  He laughed so hard his sides hurt.  Everyone stared at him.

"Miss Edith made a funny," Drusilla replied, grinning.

"Apparently it was a really funny," Dawn remarked.

**["The Cliffs of Insanity!"]**

"Oh goody," Drusilla said, clapping her hands.

"The perfect vacation spot for loonies everywhere," Buffy mumbled.

Spike snorted and smacked Buffy's arm in defense of his goddess.

"It's only a model," Dawn said, deadpan.

**["I give you my word as a Spaniard."**

**"No good.  I've known too many Spaniards."]**

"I've known too many bog-trotting Irishmen," Spike replied in rich sarcasm.

"Oh really?  In what sense would that be, Spike?" Dawn goaded.

"Nibblet!" Spike growled.

"Wicked wicked Dawnie.  Don't say such naughty things about the boys," Drusilla chided.  "It's all in good fun."

"Eeew!" Buffy cried, covering her ears.

Spike smirked.  "Where's your mind at, Slayer?"

[During the sword fight, the man in black throws his sword into a convenient patch of grass and does rather impressive acrobatics on a random bar, landing on his feet with a flourish.]

"Ooh, 9.3!" Dawn exclaimed.

"9.7!" Buffy continued.

"8.9!" Xander proclaimed.

"And a whopping 4.7 from the Romanian judge.  I think he was busy fiddling with his Orb of Thessulah during the performance," Spike commented.

A collective groan was heard around the room.

["The loser ran off alone…"] 

"To cry to mama!" Buffy yelled.

**["…and the winner followed those footprints toward Guilder…"]**

"With a year's supply of Turtle Wax!" Xander hollered.

"Why do they call it Turtle Wax?" Dawn asked.

Everyone was silent for a moment.

"Uh, because they feel like it, Li'l Bit."

"Thanks, Spike.  Real helpful," Dawn commented dryly.

["Truly, you have a dizzying intellect."

**"Wait till I get going!! …where was I?"]**

"Up your butt and around the corner," Dawn interjected.

Xander laughed.  Buffy turned around and glared at her sister.

"What?" Dawn asked innocently.

["Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"  Hysterical laughter.  Sudden death.

**"Who are you?"]**

I'm Maximus Desmus Meridius," Xander answered, knowing full well he screwed up the name.

"You killed my family.  Prepare to die," Drusilla finished.

Xander laughed.  "You've seen that movie too?"

"All the lovely violence," she said, smiling.

Xander unconsciously moved his chair closer to the vampiress.  

["Iocane!  I'd bet my life on it!"] 

"It's odorless you stupid bint!" Spike hollered.  "Where do you get such nancy-boy outfits?"

"At the Nancy-Boy store!" Buffy replied cheerfully.

"The Gap?" Spike asked, confused.

"Yeah, the Gap.  Good job, Spike!" Dawn remarked.

"I never liked the Gap," Xander said.

"Well, that's bleedin' obvious, whelp."

["Unless I'm wrong, and I'm never wrong…"] 

Spike gave the TV screen a two-fingered salute.

"Peace?" Dawn asked, puzzled by Spike's motion.

"Not exactly, Dawn," Spike answered.  Buffy glared at Spike.  "What?  I didn't tell her what it meant!"

["We'll never survive."

**"Nonsense!  You're only saying that because no one ever has."]**

"Why does that sound familiar?" Buffy asked.

"Bring on the Fire Swamp!" Spike cried.

"Yeah!  This part is cool!" Dawn cheered.

["I'll most likely kill you in the morning…"] 

"Aah!" Spike said, nodding quickly.  "I thought you guys had gone 'round the bin in a bloody conspiracy to kill me!"

"Would we do that?" Buffy asked innocently, batting her eyes.

"Yes you would, pet," Spike replied.

"Have a little faith, Spike," Xander told the vampire.

"Xander!  Don't ever suggest that again!" Buffy hollered.

Spike shot Buffy a confused look.

["Rodents of Unusual Size?  I don't think they exist."

Suddenly, a huge rodent  jumps on top of Westley.]

Drusilla screamed in true fright.

Everyone turned around in surprise not know what was happening.

Meanwhile, the little voice in Xander's head returned with a vengeance.  _Rats!  Rats!  I hate rats!  They're hairy and slimy!_

Dawn, who had jumped up from the bed in horror, asked, "What is it?  What's wrong?"

Spike frantically tried to figure out what was wrong with Drusilla.  Xander grabbed Drusilla's hand.

"It's ok!  It's gonna get killed in a second!"  Xander tried to stand comfortably on one leg after shooting from his chair, lost his balance and fell half on the bed.

"Really?" Drusilla asked, calming down.

Xander was surprised by how innocent she looked when she was scared.  He bet she led many a man into a dark alley that way.

"Yeah, really," he said, pointing at the television.  "Watch."

Drusilla clapped when Westley drove the sword into the huge rodent three times.  "He slayed the foul beast!"

"Yeah.  Go him," Xander said.

["We did it!"] 

"Wow!  You had enough time to do it?" Dawn asked.

"Dawn!" everyone screamed, hitting her with their pillows.

After this, the group lapsed into silence, paying attention to the movie.  Buttercup returned to the castle and Westley was sent to the Pit of Despair.  Inigo and Fezzik were reunited at last.

["You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy.  Not one couple has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say.  And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will."  Humperdinck sets the machine to the maximum of 50.

**"Not to 50!"**

**Westley screams out in pain.  The entire kingdom can hear his cries.  Inigo and Fezzik hear the echoing noise from afar.]**

Everyone in the room was quiet, thinking about Prince Humperdinck's words.  For Dawn, Buffy, and Xander, who'd seen the movie before, this scene held a different meaning after everything they'd been through.  Even Spike, who'd never seen the movie before, heard an echo of truth in the words.

The silence stretched out, but it had to be broken.

"Do it again!  Do it again!" Drusilla cried.

The spell of the moment was broken and everyone looked at Drusilla, then burst out laughing.  Imagine, identifying with fictional characters like that.  They all really needed to get lives.

After that moment, it was all downhill.  Everyone giggled at Miracle Max and his wife, guffawed at the priest with the speech impediment, cheered on Inigo when he fought the six-fingered man.  Spike complimented Westley on his creative torture idea for Humperdinck.

They all cheered when the movie ended.

"So, what did you think of it, Spike?" Buffy asked.

Spike shrugged.  "I read the book."

"There's a book?" Dawn asked.

"Yeah, it's got all those cool parts in it," Xander offered.  "It's also got sixteen pages of packing and unpacking."

"Well, there is that extra page at the end where everybody dies," Spike replied.

"Except for me," Drusilla said softly.

Xander glanced at her, an amused look on his face.  He was almost certain he could hear strains of Weird Al coming from somewhere.  He shook his head.  _Nah, it couldn't be,_ he thought.

"Everyone dies at the end?" Dawn asked in dismay.

" 'Fraid so, Li'l Bit."

"So, anyone wanna watch another movie?" Buffy asked.  She couldn't believe she was willingly spending all this time with her sister, one of her best friends, and two evil vampires.

"Sure, why not?" Spike answered.

Buffy smiled.  "I've got the perfect one."

Two hours later, the end credits of "Beaches" were playing.  Buffy and Dawn were giving each other tissues.  Spike was trying not to gag.

"Wind beneath my wings.  Now I get it," Spike muttered.  "You wanted to torture me slowly, didn't you?"

Buffy smacked his arm half-heartedly.  "You're [sniffle] a [sniffle] pig," Buffy sputtered, trying to stop the tears.

Spike took pity on her and gave her another tissue.

"Uh, guys?" Dawn said, trying to get their attention.

"Yes, Platelet?" Spike asked, attempting to hold back his laughter while Buffy dabbed at her eyes with a kleenex.

"Look," Dawn said, pointing to the side of her.

Buffy and Spike turned around.

Xander was sprawled on the bed, his injured foot in the chair.  He was asleep.  Drusilla sat beside him, idly playing with a piece of his hair.  Buffy almost thought it was cute, except for the fact that he was laying next Drusilla, and she was evil of course.

"I guess he's not afraid of her anymore," Dawn said.

"Dru, did you hypnotize the whelp?" Spike asked.

"No," she answered indignantly.

"Dru?" Spike growled.

"He won't go in my eyes," she responded, glaring at Spike.

"Huh?" Buffy asked.  It was late after all.

"He's immune…somehow," Spike clarified.

Buffy just shook her head.  She'd think about it tomorrow.


	10. A Manly Scream

**Disclaimer:**

            [Angelus is standing in a clearing of trees while Cordelia reluctantly holds the umbrella over his head.]

            Angelus:  (looks at Cordelia) What do you think?

            [Xander walks over towards Angelus and Cordelia.]

            Xander:  Dead Boy…what are you doing?

            Angelus:  (looks at Xander) Building a trap.

            Xander:  It's not for me, is it?  
            Angelus:  Nah…you're too funny to scare.

            Xander:  (nervously) Ooookay.  

            Angelus:  Drusilla likes you.

            Xander:  (opens and closes his mouth like a fish) So, uh, what's the trap for then?

            Angelus:  (smiles) Joss…

            Xander:  Who?

            Angelus:  The writer…the one that screws with our lives.

            Xander:  I thought that was Kelley and Shelley.

            Angelus:  No, they screw with us in a good way.  Joss is the one responsible for turning you into a spider-eating man bitch.

            Xander:  Wait, Joss is Dracula?

            Angelus:  (rolls eyes) No…he owns us.

            Xander:  Dracula owns us?

            Cordelia:  (smacks Xander on the back of the head) No, you idiot!

            Xander:  Okay, I get it now.  (looks up) So, uh, can I help?

            [Shelley walks up to the group.]

            Shelley:  (looks up and down) Whatcha doin'?

            Angelus:  It's a trap.  For Joss.  Or Buffy if she gets here first.

            Shelley:  You're not trying to kill anyone, are you?

            Angelus:  No, no!  Of course not.  Wanna help?

            Shelley:  (thinks about it) Sure!  I need a break from the treehouse.

            [Xander, Shelley, and Angelus continue to work on the trap.]

            Angelus:  So….where are Kelley and Spike?

            Xander:  The cave…that place they always are.  (looks at Shelley) We need to go back there soon.

            Cordelia:  Not that I care, but what's in the cave anyway?

            [Buffy walks up to the group.]

            Buffy:  Hey guys.  What are you doing?

            Shelley:  Nothing!

            Xander:  Ready to go, Shelley, Dead Boy, Cordy?

            Buffy:  Where you guys going?

            Shelley:  (smiles) The cave!

            Buffy:  Why do they get to go?

            Shelley:  They're being nice.

            Buffy:  Nice?  He's evil!

            Shelley:  Yeah, but he hasn't killed Xander.

            [Before Buffy can say anything else, they disappear a la Star Trek.]

            Buffy:  That's not fair!  I'm gonna find you guys!  Nothing's gonna stop me either!

            [Buffy takes a step backwards and falls into the pit Angelus and the others had been digging.]

            Buffy:  Guys?  Guys?  This is really deep!  Guys?  This isn't funny!  I need some help here!  Guys?  Guys?  My life sucks!

**A/N:  **Yeah, another update.  Booyah.  Ya liking it so far?  We can only hope so.

*********************************************************************************************

Tara walked through the Hyperion Lobby, wondering where everyone was.  She was supposed to help organize the Demon Chronology Charts tonight.  She didn't even know those existed until Cordelia had told her about them.  She would be making a few extra bucks though so she thought there'd be nothing wrong with it.

She sat down behind a desk and began pulling out charts, but was distracted by Angel's parrot.  They'd dubbed it "Angel's parrot" since he had spent so much time staring at it.  However, the parrot seemed to be staring at her at the moment, and when she made eye contact with it, it looked away quickly.  She shook her head.  Angel's paranoia was beginning to rub off on her apparently.  Still, she felt the need to get up and take a closer look.  She scrutinized the parrot.  He looked normal…mostly.  There was something about it that was a little off.  It was really ugly for one thing.

Gunn bounded down the stairs, whistling a jaunty tune, but stopped when he saw Tara.

"Oh god!  Not you too!"

Tara did not respond so Gunn walked over next to her.  He began looking at the bird in the same manner she was.  He tilted his head to each side, studying the bird who appeared to quiver in nervousness.

"You know, that bird is really ugly," he said.

Tara looked at him and nodded.  "Tell me about it.  I was just thinking the same thing."  She chuckled.  "If you look at it long enough, it is kinda creepy."

Gunn shuddered.  "I'm gonna have nightmares, man.  I don't know why they keep this thing."

"Maybe we should keep an eye on it."

Gunn looked at her.  "You're serious, aren't you?"

"Yeah.  Not that I think it could do anything really.  But it's still kinda freaky."

They grew silent and began observing the bird again.

"It's evil, ya know."

Tara and Gunn jumped in alarm.

"Angel, don't scare us like that!" Gunn cried.

"The bird will do that to you," Angel said seriously.

"Do what?" Tara asked.

"Make you more jumpy," Angel said gravely.  "That's how it all starts."

"Huh?" Gunn asked in confusion.

"First, you begin to notice it staring at you like it has nothing better to do except get in your mind.  It's sinister, devious, starting at you like it has all the time in the world while you get this uneasy feeling that your time is running out.  That's when you begin staring back.  And then, before you know it…" Angel paused for effect as Tara and Gunn stood strangely mesmerized by his every word, "…it starts chanting in Latin."

A shrill claxon broke the silence.

"Aaaah!" Tara screamed shrilly while Gunn would have argued that his version of the scream was rather manly.  Neither of them were quite sure where the ax in Angel's hand had come from.

The sound repeated and Tara sighed in relief.

"I got it!" she said, extra cheerfully, picking up the phone.  "Angel Investigations!  We help the helpless!"

"Oh, Tara baby, you sound so sincere!" Willow's voice replied happily over the phone.

"Thanks!  So, is this call business or pleasure?"

"Oh, pleasure!  But…I do have a question too so I guess it is kind of business, but I would have called whether or not I had the question so it is pleasure in that way.  But…"

"Willow!  You're babbling.  What's wrong?" Tara asked.

Angel and Gunn, catching the last bit of what Tara said, drug their focus away from the parrot and refocused on the phone conversation.  Some may have called it eavesdropping, but they preferred to think of it as prudence.

"You know the spell we said probably would not have any consequences?" Willow asked nervously.

"Yeah."

"We think it's having consequences.  Well, actually, I have my doubts, but I thought I'd tell you anyway.  Xander thinks it's true, but Buffy thinks he's ill."

"Xander's ill?" Tara asked.

Angel was suddenly dying to know what the two witches were talking about, a small smile forming on his lips.

"No, he's not ill!  He's just…confused.  Spike might believe him."

"Spike?  What?"  Tara probed, more than slightly bewildered.

Angel was practically bouncing on the balls of his feet (you pervs!), desperate to know why Willow and Tara were talking about Spike and Xander.

Tara looked over at Angel who looked like he was about to jump out of his skin.  Nosy vampire.  And she thought Spike was bad.  At least he had the decency to wait until she got off the phone to hound her.  "Hold your horses" she mouthed to Angel.  He pouted.

"Well, Spike was there the first time, and then they ran to Buffy.  After Buffy set Spike's nose and gave him a towel to keep the blood off the floor…"

"What happened to Spike's nose?" Tara asked, cutting Willow off.

"Dawn broke it."

"Dawn broke Spike's nose?" Tara questioned in shock.

Angel, unable to control his laughter, guffawed loudly.  Tara glared and shooed the vampire away.  He pouted again.  Tara had learned that his brooding and his pouting were often interchangeable.

"Well, anyway, they all came to the Magic Box rather quickly and did you know that Buffy and Spike have gotten closer…?"

"Willow!  Focus!  What is wrong with Xander?"

Tara looked around, noticing that she now had a bigger audience, since Fred, Wesley, and Cordelia had come in.

"Xander can hear Miss Edith!" Willow cried.

"Who is Miss Edith?"

Angel suddenly stopped bouncing and stared at her in shock.  "Dru's Miss Edith?" he asked.

"Dru's Miss Edith?" Tara repeated Angel's question to Willow.  After a moment, Tara turned back to Angel and nodded.

"What about her?" Angel asked quizzically.

"Xander heard her," Tara replied.

"Huh.  It's finally happened," Angel chuckled.

"What?" Fred asked.

"He's finally gone insane," Angel remarked.

"He did seem a little off when I met him," Gunn mumbled.

"He's always been a little off," Cordelia retorted.

Tara frowned.  "Xander's not off.  He's just…eccentric."

"I was just calling to see if you guys could do any research on the matter.  We can't find anything and we're hoping it just goes away in a few days."

Tara suddenly became thoughtful.  "We'll see what we can find."

"Thanks, Tara!  I love you!"

"I love you too, honey.  Call back soon.  Bye."  She hung up the phone and noticed that Gunn had a goofy look on his face while appearing to be off in some exotic dreamland.  She rolled her eyes and smacked the back of his head.

"Ow!" he whined, snapping out of it.  "No one told me you were violent."

"What can I say?  You bring out the worst in me," she replied with a smile.

When she noticed everyone still staring at her, she relayed the last part of the message to them.

"I guess I'll try to find something to look up," Wesley replied.  He started to walk off but stopped and turned back to Tara.  "Any suggestions?"

"Why don't you look at ESP?" Tara suggested.

"Now is not the time to watch sports," Cordelia huffed.

Gunn rolled his eyes.  "Not ESPN, Cordy.  ESP…extra sensory perception," he replied emphatically.

"Why ESP though?" Angel asked.  "Xander's not psychic.  It's because of the spell, right?"

"The Scoobies think it's because of the spell, and they're looking into that.  I figured we should consider the possibility that it isn't."

Everyone seemed to contemplate it for a second.

"Well, I suppose it's a good place as any to start," Wesley said.

****

Xander walked up the stairs.  He wasn't afraid.  That was just nervousness.  That was the feeling he felt.  Nervous.  Not fear.  No!  None of that!

He softly knocked on the door.  Maybe she wouldn't be hear him.

"Come in, my White Knight!" Drusilla said.

Xander sighed.  Dammit!  She was there.  Where else would she be?  She's chained to the bed.

He mustered up the courage to walk in the door.  He'd finally given up on the crutches.  He'd actually been upgraded from the crutches to one of those nifty little shoes you strap to your foot so you can walk in the cast without falling over.

"You don't have your sticks anymore.  Is your leg better, my Xander?" Drusilla cooed.

Xander sighed.  "Nope.  Still casted.  We humans take longer to heal, unless you're the Slayer."

"Pity," Drusilla commented.  "She should learn to share."

Xander smiled.  "That'd be nice, wouldn't it?"

"Why'd you come to see me all alone, my sweet?"

"Don't you know?"

"No, your mind is cloudy like the wonderful London Fog."

"I thought everyone hated London Fog."

Drusilla just smiled mysteriously.  "It's like clouds on the ground."

Xander sat opposite her on the bed.  "Actually, I have a question.  How do you get Miss Edith to talk to me?"

"I don't make her.  She likes to talk to you.  I would be fretful, but I like you, so it's ok."

"You like me?" Xander asked.

"Oh, yes.  Such depths you have!"

"I'm deep?"

Drusilla's eyes got wide as saucers.  "Miss Edith!"

Xander blushed and smacked his forehead, looking quickly away from Drusilla.

"I'm going to have to punish Miss Edith.  She spoke out of turn."  She poked the eyes of the doll cradled in her arms, causing Xander to wince.  "You read like a poem, but it keeps changing before I finish.  Love, hate, anger, sorrow; all mixed into one.  Always different.  You're special."

Xander looked at her in shock.  No one had ever called him special before except for those people who gave him the test when he was seven.  They'd told him he might have to ride the short bus.

"No one sees it, but they will," Drusilla said sweetly.

"Good to know," he replied.

"Did you bring me another present?" she asked.

He rolled his eyes.  She knew him too well.  Wait, that was a bad thing, right?  "Yeah, I'll be right back."  He picked up the large gift sitting outside the door and set it next to Drusilla.

"Naughty Knight," Drusilla giggled.  "Little bunnies all over the paper.  Should we throw them in the Watcher's bed for the demon to find?"

"Nah.  Maybe later," he said with a smirk.  He'd picked up the smirk from Spike.

Drusilla opened the box, pulling out the contents.  "Ooooh.  Witches socks!" she cried, putting the red and white striped socks on her feet.  Next she pulled out a coffee mug that read "I only do what the voices in my head tell me to do."  Drusilla held it up questioningly.

"What can I say?  It made me think of you."

Drusilla actually got a kick out of it.

Next she pulled out a change of clothes for Miss Edith.  Drusilla clapped in delight.  Xander had been considerate enough to buy her more than one outfit.

"I was gonna get her a whip and chain, but I didn't want to encourage her," Xander commented.

  
Next she pulled out a slinky.  One of the cool metal ones, not a plastic one.  She started to play with it.  Oh boy.  She knew this would keep her busy for awhile.

Xander remembered back to the summer when they had given the Buffybot a slinky to get her to shut up for awhile.  She'd played with it for three days straight until it had mysteriously vanished.  No!  It had nothing to do with the annoying click clack sound.

Next she pulled out a giant bag of animal crackers.  Something to dip in the blood.  Woohoo!  She smiled at Xander before looking back in the box.

She pulled out a CD player.  

"It's one of my old ones.  I repaired it."

Finally, she pulled out the last item.

"Oh!  The funny man who dances to the music only he can hear!" she cried, holding tightly to the Weird Al CD.  If she hadn't been chained to the bed, she would have jumped up and down with glee.

"You like Weird Al?" Xander asked.

"Oh yes!" she said enthusiastically.

Xander plugged the CD player in and shower her how to work it.  She was actually a pretty quick learner.

After they got the CD playing, Xander stood up.

"Well, I need to go now, Drusilla."

"If you must," she said softly.

He walked to the door and stopped when he heard a voice that was becoming all too familiar.

"If you can't say anything decent, don't say anything at all," Drusilla scolded.  She smiled.  "Thank you for the gifts."

Xander nodded.  A doll wanted to have it's wicked way with him.  His life wasn't weird.  Nope.  Not at all.


	11. Did I Say That Out Loud?

**Disclaimer:**

[Buffy looks up hopelessly from the pit she is still stuck in.]

Buffy:  Hello?  Guys!  Anybody?  (tries to jump out with her slayer jumping abilities, but it doesn't work) Dammit!  Okay, guys!  You can come back now!  This is so not funny!  The sun is almost up.  Get me outta here!  (listens for a moment and all she hears is a cricket singing "Give A Little Whistle") Stupid Angelus.  Stupid Spike.  Stupid Xander.  Stupid Kelley and Shelley.  At least last time Angelus was evil, he was fixated on me!  Now he's leaving me all alone!  In a hole!  Joss owns us.  He'd never let anything like this happen to me!  (looks back up at the sky) SOMEBODY HELP!!!!

**A/N:**  Another chapter.  Look and be awed.  Please review!!!!!!

************************************************************************************************

"Oh, Christine," Spike moaned.  His car purred like a kitten, starting without any problems.  "Let's hope Buffy doesn't come back with a vengeance any time soon."

Buffy smacked Spike's arm, still annoyed by the fact that Spike referred to his car as Buffy when it had problems.

"And you're not disturbed that when the car is good, it's named after a psychopathic car?" Xander asked from the backseat.

_Did I say that out loud?_ Buffy thought.  She dismissed it with a shake of her head.  "So, you boys ready to patrol?"

"Yes, mum," Spike said.

  
Buffy shot him an evil look.  Spike grinned sheepishly.  

"Lead on, Macbuff," Xander commanded, pointing forward.

Buffy rolled her eyes.

Spike put the car in drive and rolled forward.

"Man, I hate patrolling in the rain," Buffy mumbled.  "Good thing you have a car, Spike."

"Vampboy, drive me to all the vampires.  I don't want to get my hair messed up.  I look like a drowned rat when my hair gets wet," Spike said in falsetto.

Buffy punched Spike's arm as hard as she could.  The car swerved dangerously, but with quick thinking, the fire hydrant was saved.

"Plus, my shirt will get wet and I don't want to give the vampires a free show!" Xander exclaimed, unphased by the near accident.  He'd been in the car with Spike too many times.

"Do you want a broken arm to go with that broken leg?" Buffy threatened while Spike snickered.  "You did have a good idea though, Spike."

"I did?" he asked nervously.

"Yeah.  You did."

"What was it?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Buffy just smiled…

The vampire stared at the oncoming brigade in terror, frozen in his spot on the sidewalk.  He could hear loud rock music blasting as the entity came closer.  He'd never seen anything like this before.  Suddenly, the thing barreled past, making him stagger back.  Still shocked, he looked down at his chest to see a stake protruding from it. _What the hell?_ was his last thought before he crumbled into dust.

"Yeah!" Buffy shouted.  "See?  I told you it would be fun!"

Spike grinned like an idiot.  He was pretty sure this was the first time in the history of mankind that there had ever been a drive-by staking.  He wondered why he'd never thought of this before.  This was fun.

  
Xander looked at the cross-bow Buffy had given him, opened his window, and pointed it out.  "My turn!" he cried.  

Half and hour later, six vampires had bitten the dust (pun intended).  Buffy got three, Xander got two, and Spike got one the only time he let Buffy drive.  He'd quickly taken over as driver again after he nearly lost his arm.

"So, one more round?" Spike asked.

"Yeah!" Buffy exclaimed.

"Lets go to Main Street," Xander suggested.  "It should be deserted by now."

*****

The young man walking down the sidewalk sighed.  He'd hoped to get home sooner than this, but his blasted car was still with the mechanic.  

So, he found himself walking down Main Street.  He knew he should not be out after dark, and prayed he wasn't attacked by a vampire.  

Of course, this was the Hellmouth, so after that last thought, he suddenly found himself slammed into a wall by a vampire.  He rolled his eyes.  

Damn Hellmouth!

Where's the Slayer when a person needs her?

"I got it!" a voice yelled from nowhere.

Both human and vampire turned to see a black DeSoto driving up on the curb.  A very familiar looking black DeSoto…to the young man.

Immediately, the vampire holding him against the wall turned to dust as three voices cheered into the night.

"Number seven!"

The young man watched the car go by with a puzzled look on his face.  

Was that the Slayer joyriding with two men killing vampires at high speeds?  And SHE dated Angel?  Strange girl.

That was the weirdest thing he'd ever seen and he'd seen some pretty weird things.

He was so busy watching the car drive off that he never noticed the man wielding a tire iron sneaking up behind him.

*****

"Be sure to get plenty of sleep tonight, Xander, so the voices in your head will go away," Buffy admonished.

"One voice, Buffy.  Just one.  And I don't think it's going to go away," Xander replied.

"Yes it will," Buffy argued, still in denial.  "You're just stressed."

"No I'm not," Xander shot back.

"Yes, you are!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are!"

"No I'm not!" 

"Yes you are!"

"No!" 

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

Spike slammed on the brakes.  "QUIET!" he hollered.

They both froze in shock, glad to know he still had it.

"Stop acting like children!"

"Yes, dad," Buffy and Xander chorused.

Spike closed his eyes in defeat.  He should have seen that one coming.

Xander and Buffy giggled like preschoolers.

"We're going home.  We're going to sleep.  We'll discuss this tomorrow," Spike said with an air of authority.  He wasn't about to take sides.  He wasn't that stupid.

They both coughed, "Sure, pops."

He glared at both of them evilly.  "I'm really hungry right now.  Don't push my buttons."

They both smiled but remained quiet.  They knew better than to taunt the man who was old enough to be their great-great grandfather.


	12. The Enlightenment

**Disclaimer:**

[Buffy is still in the pit.  Giles walks through the clearing, his nose in a book.  He looks up when he hears a noise.]

            Buffy:  Giles, help me!

            [Giles looks around nervously, trips, and falls in the pit.]

            Giles:  Ow!  Bloody hell!  Buffy, what are you doing here?

            Buffy:  Well, I was trying to get you to get me out of here.

            Giles:  A lot of good that's going to do us now.

            [Angelus looks over the pit.]

            Angelus:  Hi, guys.  What are you doing?

            Buffy:  What does it look like we're doing?  We're stuck in a hole!

            Angelus:  Heh heh.  I know.  Too bad I didn't have time to put something truly nasty in the bottom.  As it is, there are just fire ants.

            Buffy:  Fire ants???

            Angelus:  Just kidding.

            [Xander walks up next to Angelus as Buffy and Giles look up.]

            Xander:  Hey, Dead Boy.  What's up?  [looks down] Oh cool!  It worked!  But what's G-Man doing down there?

            Angelus:  He tripped.  [he helps Giles out of the pit]

            Giles:  Thanks ever so, Angelus.

            Buffy:  What about me?  Get me outta here!  This isn't funny!  I hate you guys!  I AM THE SLAYER!  Get me out now!

            Angelus:  Now, Buffy.  Is this any way to talk to the people you expect to help you out?

            [Kelley and Spike suddenly appear.]

            Kelley:  Hi, guys.  What's goin' on?

            Spike:  [looks down] Oh look.  A Slayer trap.

            Buffy:  Spike!  Help me out of here!

            Spike:  [smirks] Why would I do that?

            Buffy:  Because you love me?

            Spike:  So?  I'm evil and you treat me like crap.  Me and Kelley are going back to the cave now.  Ready, Kelley?  [grabs Kelley's arm and starts to run off]

            Kelley:  Wait a second!  We just got here!

            Spike:  Well, I'm ready to go back now!

            [Shelley runs toward the group.]

            Shelley:  Hey, Xander!  Look what I found!

            Xander:  Wow!  It's shiny.  

            Angelus:  Hey, that's kinda neat.  What is it?

            Giles:  My word.  It's a…I believe it's a rare form of marine dwelling echinoderm.

            Spike:  Yeah, that's bloody wonderful.  Let's GO, Kelley!

            Shelley:  C'mon guys!  There are a whole lot more on the beach.  We can have a scavenger hunt!

            Angelus:  [looks doubtful] But I'm supposed to be evil.

            Shelley:  Well…we can…play tag while we look at them!  And you can act like you're going to eat us!

            Angelus:  Okay, I can live with that.  [frowns] Or not.

            [Everyone starts to leave.]

            Buffy:  [yelling] Why won't you help me?  I swear, when I get outta here….

            [Kelley snaps her fingers.  Buffy disappears from the pit.  A faint scream can be heard on the other side of the island as Buffy falls toward the earth.]

            Kelley:  Hehe, that was fun.  [looks around] Did I do that?  [smiles] Ok, NOW we can go back to the cave, Spike.

            Spike:  'Bout bloody time!

            Shelley:  [screams as she runs off] Joss owns all the characterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs!  We're just messing with themmmmmmmmmmm!

**A/N:**  We are not Psychology majors.  We do not pretend to be.  We aren't even close…although our acting careers will eventually involve some psychological help, but that's beside the point.  The psychological information you read towards the end of the chapter was just from Shelley's psychology notes from last semester.  It's probably not accurate, but we don't care.  This is our fic and it sounds good and impressive to us.  So there.  Oh yeah, please send mucho reviews as they make us very happy!  Enjoy!

*********************************************************************************************************

"That's it!  You're both just freaks!" Spike yelled.

From the couch, Buffy and Xander just looked at Spike and blinked.

"Could you stop pacing?  We're trying to watch TV!" Buffy cried.  "We want to make sure Gilligan doesn't get eaten by cannibals."

"Spike, you're making me dizzy," Xander interjected.  "Sit down!"

"I'm a vampire for chrissakes!  I should be able to handle this kind of thing!" Spike began to rant.

"Well, you appear to be doing just fine to me," Buffy responded.

"Yeah!" Xander said enthusiastically.

Spike snorted.  "What do you know about it, Slayer?"

Xander chuckled dryly.

"Well, it's not like I haven't seen it before.  Of course, I usually join in before anything happens, but I get the general idea.," Buffy agrued.

"You don't know what it's like to think you're able to do it and think it's going to happen, and all of a sudden it just…"

"Don't worry, Spike," Xander interrupted.  "We can try again later."

"That's not the bloody point!" Spike exploded.  "Do you know how embarrassing this is for me?  You guys have NO problems, but me…"

"It's not that big of a deal really," Buffy said, trying to comfort him.  "It wasn't as all-encompassing as we thought, but maybe we can find a way to work around it."

"Look at it from our perspective," Xander said thoughtfully.  "At least now we don't have to let everybody in on the big secret."

Spike looked insulted.  "What, am I a big embarrassment now?  I don't see you two complaining.  You seem to get a big kick out of it."

"Well, there was that one thing you did the other night."  Xander stopped and chuckled.  "That was really cool.  There was such and art to the way you did it."

"You'd be surprised," Buffy offered.

"You don't understand.  It makes me feel pathetic," Spike pouted.

Buffy looked at Xander, then back at Spike.  "Don't worry.  We're here for you.  At least WE know you're not pathetic."

"Yeah, you're still the Big Bad," Xander replied.

Their conversation was stopped by the sound of Dawn giggling as she came down the stairs.

"I'm going to Janice's."  She walked to the front door, stopped, and turned around.  "Oh, and guys?  That's great you're leading an alternative lifestyle and all, but when it comes to kinky sex, eww!  Talk about it somewhere else!"

Spike looked at Buffy.  Buffy looked at Xander.  Xander looked at Spike.

"Dawnie, I can explain…" Buffy began.

Spike grabbed Buffy and sat in Xander's lap.  He put his arm around Xander and kissed Buffy.

"Oh, c'mon, pet.  She's old enough to handle it," Spike volunteered.

"Yeah, she knows all about Willow and Tara doing spells.  Don't you, Dawn?"  Xander smiled at the teenager evilly.

Dawn squealed and ran out the door as fast as possible.

All three erupted into laughter, and Buffy fell off the couch.  Spike got off Xander.  "That'll teach the Nibblet not to eavesdrop again."

Buffy held her sides in pain from all the laughter.  "Oh my god!  Dawn thought that me…" she gasped, "…and you…" she pointed at Spike, "…and Xander…"  She collapsed into another fit of giggles, unable to speak anymore.

"Spike, that was wrong.  Hilarious, but evil."  Xander smiled.  "Can we do that again?"

They all laughed at the thought.

After a few moments, they finally calmed down.

"Seriously," Buffy began.  "We need to talk about this."

"Yeah," Xander replied.  "Why is Spike's chip being so selective all of a sudden?"

"Hell if I know," Spike muttered.  "I can hit the bloody whelp anytime I want to."  He demonstrated by smacking Xander in the back of the head.  Xander shot a glare towards the vampire and nursed the pain on the back of his head.  "Why can't I rough up a couple of muggers?"

"Warrants investigation," Buffy said.

"Maybe it's psychosematic," Xander mused.

"What?" Buffy and Spike asked in unison.

"Psychosematic…bodily symptoms caused by mental or emotional disturbance," Xander replied, sounding like a dictionary.

"Have you been possessed again?" Buffy asked.

"No!  Research boy incognito…remember?" Xander replied.

"Wow.  You had a thought," Spike said.  "Please, enlighten us."

"Well, I got to thinking," Xander paused, noticing the looks on Buffy and Spike's faces.  "Not a word," he told them.

"Anyway, the Initiative was this big government program run by Maggie Walsh.  But she wasn't in the Army.  What did she do, ladies and gents?  She was a professor of psychology.  And Riley?  A freaky psych grad student who wanted to put me and my other half in cages and study us."

Spike looked over at Buffy.  "Other half?" he mouthed.  Buffy put a finger to her lips and pointed to Xander, who was still explaining.

"So, Dr. Walsh gets her own collection of demons to study.  Of course, she's going to mess with their brains.  That's what psychologists do!  She can't stick a chip into a sociopathic prisoner; they have constitutional rights, but vampires don't exist, so she can mess with them all she wants."

"Bloody pillocks," Spike grumbled.

"This chip zaps Spike every time he wants to hurt somebody.  Lunge, ZAP, ouch!  He doesn't bite that person.  But how does the chip know he's going to hurt somebody?  It's just a tiny piece of metal and a couple of wires.  Your chip doesn't think or get smarter.  It's not a supercomputer.  I looked through the psychology book I stole from Giles, and a couple of others, and came up with something.  Every time you do something, your brain gets an electrical impulse.  Electricity spider webs through your brain.  So, it's all in your head."

Buffy and Spike gaped at Xander; Buffy because she was amazed at the work he'd obviously put into this and Spike because he was pretty sure someone had said the last bit to him about a year ago.  Xander, oblivious to the befuddled gazes of his friends, continued.

"I think the chip is placed somewhere along the pathway the electricity has to go to where you activate your violent tendencies.  They probably buried your chip in your corpus collosum.  It connects the two sides of your brain, and it's where the impulses cross over.  You have an angry thought.  You start to act on it.  All that electricity starts to fire.  It hits your chip, zings off all that metal and hello, pain.  It's like walking around in a thunderstorm with a ten foot metal pole, only inside…and nobody's stupid enough to carry around a metal pole during a thunderstorm.  After that, it's all conditioning.  Sure your chip may have fried itself by now, as many times as you've tried to hit people."  Xander stopped and thought a moment.  "In fact, it probably has, but your brain has gotten used to feeling pain when this certain impulse fires, so you still do.  Your brain's programmed itself to keep you from hurting people, just so Professor Walsh can write a dissertation on behavior modification through electric shock, and gradual conditioning of the brain.  And voila, one Vamp Vampire Slayer, coming up."

Xander finished his explanation, and smiled at his audience expectantly.  _Wow, that sounded decently intelligent_, he thought to himself, proudly.  

They sat there in stunned silence.  Where had that come from?  After a few moments, Xander frowned.

"Hey, what's with the silence, people?" he asked, agitated.  "Research boy, Incognito, remember.  Did you think I was going to just slack off?  This is nothing compared to all those Latin books in high school."

"You know Latin?" Spike asked in shock.

"Well, not really, but Giles kept handing the books to me.  He didn't stop until I set that book on fire once."

Buffy was still gaping at him in total surprise.  _Maybe it's another consequence of the spell_, she thought.

Xander's head whipped around.  "No, it is not another consequence of the spell," he nearly shouted.  "I CAN think.  It just takes me a little longer sometimes."

Buffy frowned.  "I know I didn't say that out loud."  She looked over at Spike.  "Did I say that out loud?"

Spike shook his head.  "You didn't say anything about the spell."

"What are you talking about?" Xander asked.  "I heard you."

"You heard what I was thinking," Buffy told him slowly.

Xander paled.  "I need to sit down."  He sat and put his head in his hands.  "Why me?  First Miss Edith.  Now Buffy."

Buffy got up and grabbed his hand.  "We need to see Giles."  She pulled him to his feet and the three of them headed for the Magic Box.

"Ow, Buffy," Xander complained.  "Leg!  Leg!  Watch the leg!"


	13. Dear Diary

**Disclaimer:**

[The island, the next night.  The beach has been decorated with Tiki torches…from somewhere.  There's music coming from a very banged up coconut stereo.  Don't ask us how Giles made it.]

Willow:  How come I'm the Professor, but Giles gets to make the cool stuff?

Shelley:  Don't ask me.  I'm just a co-author.

Xander:  Wow…where did the Tiki torches come from?

Shelley:  (excitedly) I summoned them!  It was my first delve into creating something spontaneously!  You like?

Giles:  Very festive indeed.

Drusilla:  It's a psycho beach party!

Xander:  (snorts) Yeah, Dru.  Who's up for hypnosis?

[Everyone stares at him in confusion…except for Shelley, who seems to be entertained with Cordelia and Angelus' interpretive dance number.]

Xander:  (sighs) Oh, never mind.

[Everyone gets up and starts dancing around a bonfire…created from the discarded Tiki torches.]

Anya:  Hey!  (looks at Kelley and Spike) When did you guys get here?  I thought you were busy giving each other orgasms in the cave.

[Kelley starts to choke on the piece of gum that she is chewing, and Spike trips over his own feet and falls to the ground.]

Spike:  Bloody hell, woman!  Don't you have any tact?

[Kelley starts laughing like crazy.  Spike gives her a strange look, and then starts laughing along with Kelley, figuring out the joke.]

Anya:  What are you laughing at?

Shelley:  Silly, that's not what they are doing in the cave!

Anya:  They're not orgasm friends?

Kelley:  We were playing in the balls!

Willow:  So that's what you call it these days?

Kelley:  What?!?!?!  What did you people think we were doing in that cave?

Giles:  Having sex…

Cordelia:  Oh, please.  No one can have sex that much.

[Kelley and Spike fall into another fit of laughter.  After a moment, their laughter subsides.]

Spike:  Amazing how much fun we manage to have without Buffy around.

Willow:  Yeah.  You're right.

Giles:  It's not that different.

Xander:  Giles!  We're dancing around a bonfire with Angelus, the Scourge of Europe.  You and Anya were doing the Snoopy Dance!  Angelus did the HOKEY POKEY!  Kelley and Spike were doing the Robot…but they were already getting along, but that's beside the point.  If Buffy was here, we'd all be trying to kill each other.

Anya:  He does have a point, dear.  Everything is much more melodramatic when she is around.

Giles:  Yes, but perhaps her banishment will help her to reign in her anger.

[Everyone looks at him doubtfully.  They are silent for a moment.]

Xander:  Sooo…anyone wanna see the inside of the cave and find out what Kelley and Spike really do in there?

[Everyone cheers at once.]

Shelley:  The night is young.  Let's go!

Kelley:  Yeah, and Joss owns all you guys!  We just let you have more fun when we're in charge.  Bwahahaha!

[Everyone disappears.]

**A/N:**  Here's another chapter!  Sorry it's taking so long!  We have lots of crap to do and no time to do any of it!

**********************************************************************************************************

"Giles!" Buffy cried as she entered the shop, half-dragging Xander.  Spike followed, trying to hold in his laughter.  "Tell Xander to stop reading my…"  She stopped when she saw a woman looking through the basket of chicken feet near the cash register.  "…my…diary.  Yeah, my diary!"  She gave Giles a pointed look.  "Because it's got all my thoughts…and feelings…and if he reads all those feelings and SECRETS, then we could be in big trouble."

Xander grinned, and laughed maniacally under his breath.  "Yeah, it's like that time Buffy got all nosy."  Xander looked to Buffy.  Suddenly his eyes widened in horror.  "They had SEX!" he yelled.  "She called him a what?  What does that mean?"

Buffy gritted her teeth.  "Xander, there's a customer over there," she said, jerking her head toward the woman.  "See what I mean, Giles?  Tell him to stop!"

"Maybe you should pay more attention to what you write in your journal, Sl…Buffy," Spike pointed out.

"How come you've never read Spike's diary, huh, Xander?"

"I'm not a poofter like Angel!  I don't keep a diary!"

"You don't think…I mean…write stuff down like normal people?" Buffy asked, perturbed.

Xander's eyes wandered to the woman at the counter who seemed to be paying very close attention to their conversation.  Maybe he should show her some merchandise in the far corner before Buffy and Spike's bickering got out of control.  As he approached her, the woman met his eyes, and smiled.  Xander grabbed his head in pain and doubled over, groaning.  The woman just looked at him in surprise.  Giles, noticing Xander's distress, bolted out of his chair, and grabbed Xander before his knees buckled.

Giles smiled at the woman.  "Pain medicine must be wearing off."  He looked at Xander who was still having trouble standing.  "What have we told you about overexerting yourself?"

The woman continued to look at him curiously.  Giles handed the boy off to Buffy and Spike, who'd stopped arguing and came up behind.  "Why don't you two take him to the back to sit down while I attend to this woman?"

The two half-carried, half-dragged Xander into the training room.  Giles turned back to the woman.  "And how may I help you, Miss…"

The woman smiled and held out her hand.  "I'm Lilah.  Lilah Morgan."

*****

Buffy and Spike entered the training room, Xander in tow.

"What the hell was that, whelp?" Spike asked as he helped him lean against the wall.

Giles entered the training room.  "Xander, what is going on?"

"That's what we're trying to figure out, Watcher," Spike told him.  "You fainting at the sight of women now?"

"Guys," Buffy interrupted them.  "Give him a second, will ya?  Geez, men just don't know when to stop!"  She guided Xander to a nearby chair.

"That was not a nice woman," Xander mumbled as he sank into the chair.  "That was a very bad woman."

"Yeah," Spike said.  "Every time a beautiful woman smiles at me, the first thing I think is 'She's evil'."

"With you they are," Buffy retorted with a smile.

Spike shrugged.  "Well, yeah," he admitted with a sardonic grin.

"Come to think of it, Xander's luck isn't really that great in this area.  There was the She-Mantis…"

"The She-What?" Spike asked.

"Big Praying Mantis.  Wanted to boink Xander, then bite his head off.  Then there was Ampata, life sucking mummy girl.  Next was Cordelia…"

"Sorry, mate," Spike said, looking at Xander sympathetically.

"Then there was Faith, the Evil Slayer."

"Faith?" Spike asked.  "Where's she?"

"Jail," Buffy supplied.  "In L.A.  I think Angel visits her sometimes, even though she tried to kill him a few times."

"I like her better already," Spike remarked.

Buffy glared at him.  "She tried to kill Xander too.  But she slept with him first."

Spike stared at Xander.  "You bedded a slayer?"  He smirked.  "What's your secret?"

Giles coughed loudly as Buffy smacked Spike on the back of the head.  "As fascinating as this may be, I still want to know what's happening to Xander."

"I saw something."

  
They all looked at Xander.

"You had a vision?" Giles asked. "I thought that spell had run its course."

"Apparently, it hasn't," Buffy observed.  "And that's not the only wiggy thing."

"Well, let's just concentrate on the vision before we tackle anything else.  Now, Xander, what did you see?"

Any answer Xander could have given was interrupted by the ringing of the phone.

"Bloody hell," Giles said with a sigh as he picked it up.  "Magic Box, how may I help you?"

After a few seconds, he yanked the phone from his ear.  Everyone heard a frantic voice gibbering from the phone.  Spike plucked the phone from the Watcher's fingers.

"Calm down, Nibblet," Spike said soothingly.  "What's the matter?"

"It's Drusilla!" she cried.

"What about Dru?" Spike asked nervously.

Xander looked up from where he was sitting.

"She's freaking out!  One minute we were having a tea party, the next she started saying 'The white knight's under attack.  Miss Edith smells a rat.'  What's going on?  Did something happen?"

"Kind of.  The whelp saw this woman in the shop and he went bloody nuts for a couple minutes.  Is Dru still acting barmy?"

"Yeah.  Willow tried to calm her down, but it didn't work very well."

"Give her the phone.  I'll try to talk to her," Spike said.

A few seconds passed while the phone changed hands.

"The whispers are getting louder.  The stars want to sing.  Is my sweet all right?"

"Yes, he's fine," Spike answered.  "Did you see anything, pet?"

"I saw you, my sweet, and another man I've seen before.  It was dark and cold and rats crawled everywhere.  I was afraid they would start to nibble."

"You'll have to tell us more about it later."

"Are you coming over?" she asked.  "Hurry up and get here."

"Yeah.  We'll be there in a bit," Spike answered.  "Gotta get the whelp to tell us what happened first.  Put Nibblet on the phone for a moment."

Dawn got back on the phone.  "Is Xander okay?"

"Looks like it to me.  Tell Red we'll be there in a little while," Spike instructed.

After a series of back and forth "goodbyes" to each other, Spike and Dawn hung up.

"What was that all about?" Giles questioned.

"Drusilla was freakin' out and it scared the Platelet, so she called us," Spike replied.

"Is Dawn all right?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah.  She's fine," Spike answered.  "Drusilla had a vision and she knows you saw something too," he said, looking at Xander.

"Did Drusilla tell you what she saw?" Giles asked.

"Yeah, but it made no bleedin' sense."

"Are you okay, Xander?" Buffy asked, waving her hand in front of his face.  He had been uncharacteristically silent.

Xander blinked.  "Yeah, yeah.  I'm good.  So, we going to Giles' or what?"

Buffy looked at Xander oddly for a moment before nodding enthusiastically.  "Yeah, we need much more brain wattage for this problem.  Let's go meet up with Willow."


	14. Newts And Cabana Boys

**Disclaimer:**

Willow:  Wow! (she smiles as they look around Kelley and Spike's cave) I think you have every computer game known to man in here!

            Kelley:  What can I say?  It keeps me from doing homework.

            Anya:  Oh, look!  Whack-a-Mole! (goes over and starts playing the game) Come hit heads with me, Giles.

            Giles:  (groans and shakes his head) As you wish, Anya.

            Drusilla:  Ooh!  Skeeball!  You know God plays Skeeball!  He's from New Jersey!

            Xander:  That's it.  No more Kevin Smith for you!

            Willow:  So you guys really weren't having sex in here?

            Kelley:  No-oo!  Geez, where were your minds?

            [Everyone shrugs for a moment.]

            Willow:  Oh, look!  Balls!  (she blushes) I mean, the little plastic ones that the kids play in at Chuck E. Cheese!

[Angelus and Cordelia sit down and begin playing Egyptian Ratscrew.  Shelley and Xander raid the stack of movies in the corner, eventually deciding on "Airplane."  Kelley and Spike watch as everyone invades their cave and slump to the floor.]

Spike:  (smirks) Ready to get back to what we were doing before?

Kelley:  (smiles) Oh yeah.  Bring it on!

Spike:  One two three four…

Kelley:  I declare a thumb war!!!

Cordelia:  Joss Whedon and all those other rich people own all of us!  Now read the stinkin' story and let us get back to Egyptian Ratscrew.

**A/N:**  Another chapter!  Do you feel lucky?  Probably not, but at least pretend.  The story is going to start picking up soon so stay tuned!

******************************************************************************************************

Lilah entered the Sunnydale branch of Wolfram & Hart.  "Well, that was weird," she mused as the door closed behind her.

Charlotte looked up from her paperwork.  She really liked the downtown office.  Everything was exactly where she wanted, and even better, her boss was nowhere in sight.

"How'd it go, Ms. Morgan?  Did you get a confirmed sighting of the slayer?"

Lilah smiled.  "Most definitely.  You know, for someone who defends the world against evil, she's a short little thing.  Kind of ditzy too."  She snorted.  "Makes sense that Angel liked her."

"Did you recognize the two young men with her?" Charlotte asked.  "They seemed close."

Lilah shook her head.  "I'm not up to speed on the Sunnydale profiles.  I only recognized the slayer because of her link to Angel.  That, and she has this habit of killing our clients."

"I've seen them around the slayer several times while observing her, but I haven't figured out exactly how they fit into her life yet."

"Hopefully, the bug I planted will help in that department," Lilah reasoned.  "The dark headed one was weird though."

Charlotte looked up from the file she was reading.  "Really?  How so?"

"The three of them came in to tell the older man something, but the second they saw me, they went on this ridiculous tangent.  That wasn't the strangest thing though.  When the dark haired kid looked at me, he lost it."

Charlotte frowned.  "Lost it?" she asked, confused.

"Clutched his head, doubled over in pain," Lilah elaborated.

"You think he's psychic?" Charlotte asked.

Lilah paused.  This development could have possibilities.  "Did you get pictures of them?  We can send them to L.A. and get some info from the archives.  Wolfram & Hart has got to have something on them."  Putting that thought aside, she met Charlotte's eyes and smiled.  "What's the situation with our unexpected visitor to the Hellmouth?"

"A crew picked him up and he's being transported to L.A. as we speak.  He wasn't very happy about it.  He kept yelling about not even getting his car back.  You'd think he'd be more afraid of what was going to happen to him."

Lilah laughed.  "Him?  Never."  She walked over to the nearby chair and sank into it with a sigh.  "Everything is coming together.  We know the slayer's alive.  She has friends who she depends on.  That makes her vulnerable.  Our infiltrator in L.A. is approaching success rapidly every day.  We play our cards right, and we'll have them both right where we want them."

Lilah and Charlotte gathered their files and exited the office.  They never realized that someone was watching them with a smile on her face.

*****

Buffy, Spike, Giles, and Xander entered what had become Drusilla's room to see Willow and Dawn watching the huddled, whimpering form of Drusilla rock back and forth on the bed.  After a moment, she noticed their presence and looked up.  Her eyes met Xander's.

"Pet, are you all right?" she asked, for once a smirk not lighting up her features.

Xander shrugged.  "Yeah, I'm good.  How about you?"

"Those nasty pictures don't frighten me," she told him.

"What happened?" Dawn asked with concern.  "Drusilla was having a major wiggins."

"Yeah.  Tell us what happened," Willow said.  "What did you see?"

Xander glanced at the redheaded witch.  She was way too chirpy at the moment.  He shook his head.  "There was something seriously wrong about that lady."

"She made your head hurt," Drusilla cooed.

"Yes, actually," Xander replied.  "I had this paranoid feeling of being watched.  Anyway, I saw Angel being attacked by something.  I saw Tara yelling at that Lilah woman who was just smiling back at her.  I kept getting flashes of this building.  I don't know why.  It doesn't make sense.  Why do I have to get these stupid visions anyway?  It's not like we're running low on seers at the moment."

"It is quite cliché," she replied in sing-song.

Everyone looked at Drusilla for a moment, confused, then dismissed it.  She was crazy after all.

"Oh my gosh!  Who would attack Angel?" Buffy asked.

Spike rolled his eyes.  "It's Angel.  Who wouldn't want to attack the poofter?"

Buffy glared.

Giles shrugged.  "He does have a point unfortunately."

"I don't see anything wrong with it," Xander supplied.

"Well, what did you see, Drusilla?" Willow questioned.

"I saw my White Knight and Spike in a dark room with that evil lawyer," Drusilla answered.

"What evil lawyer?" Buffy asked.

"The one visiting," Drusilla muttered.

Everyone looked at each other dumbfoundedly, not having a clue what she was talking about.

"You'll make friends and enemies there.  There are rats all around.  Filthy rats who want to eat you.  Don't let them use you."

"You think the visions could be related?" Willow asked.

"We don't know.  The whelp's memory isn't working too well right now," Spike said sarcastically.

"Hey!  I'm doing my best, fangless!" Xander cried.

"Maybe he traumatized," Buffy reasoned.

"I'll show you traumatized," Spike retorted with a leer. 

Buffy's eyes narrowed in suspicion.  Spike just nodded and continued grinning evilly.

"Eww!" Xander yelled suddenly from where he sat on the bed.  "I don't even think that's physically possible!"

"Stop reading my thoughts, whelp, or your Babylon 5 commemorative plates are history."

"You do that and I'll make sure you never see 'Passions' again!"

"Oh yeah," Spike recovered.  "Then I'll read all your comics and dog-ear the pages!"

"You wouldn't!" Xander gasped.

"Yes I would.  I'm evil."

"I'll put garlic powder in your duster!"

"You do that and I'll buy the His and His towels!" Spike threatened.

"I'll paint your bedroom pink and plaster the walls with Christina Aguilera posters."

Spike gaped at Xander.  "You wouldn't."

Xander's smirk rivaled some of Spike's most evil ones.  "I would."

Spike glared.  "You're just one step away, mister."

Xander's eyes widened in mock fear.  He looked at Buffy for a moment, and smiled at her wickedly.  "Buffy, help!  Spike's going to scold me!"

Buffy and Drusilla burst out laughing simultaneously.  After a few moments, Buffy got control of herself and looked up to see everyone but Drusilla staring at Spike and Xander in shock.  A few seconds later, Spike noticed everyone's stares.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"You…you live together?" Willow asked, surprised.

"Uh, yeah," Xander answered nonchalantly.

"Since when?" Willow asked in disbelief.

"I don't know.  It just kind of happened," Xander tried to explain.  "Buffy knows all about it."

Suddenly Dawn squeaked and ran from the room, blushing furiously.

Spike smirked.  "What's the matter with her?"

From the bed, Drusilla giggled.

Buffy froze, suddenly remembering something.

"Wait a second!  When I got the wacky psychic powers, Angel told me I couldn't read a vampire's thoughts.  Why couldn't I read Angel's thoughts, but you can read Spike's?"

"Oh please," Spike scoffed.  "The poofter doesn't have any thoughts.  His head's a bloody wind tunnel."

"Spike's special," Xander explained with a grin.

"Thanks," Spike replied.  He narrowed his eyes.  "Hey!"

Xander and Drusilla snickered.  Drusilla took the opportunity to move over and start petting Xander's hair.  Xander didn't even seem to notice.

"Ok, vision-explanation over.  What are you we going to do about it?"

The rest of the room looked at Buffy for a second.  Giles took off his glasses and cleaned them.  "I believe the best course of action would be to contact Angel and warn him of the possible threat."

*****

"Stop it!  Stop it!  I can't take it anymore!" Gunn exclaimed.

Tara laughed evilly.  "You brought this upon yourself.  No one dares to challenge me."

Gunn whimpered.  "Come on, Tara.  You're my friend, right?  Please, have mercy."

"No way!  Me, merciful?  It's only a façade.  You're going to wish you'd never crossed me."

"What did I ever to do you?"

The phone rang loudly, cutting off Tara's response.  She rolled her eyes before leaving the couch.  "Don't touch anything," she snapped.  "I'm undefeated in Super Mario Kart and I'm not about to lose to the likes of you.  Mess with the game and I'll turn you into a newt!"

"Witch!" Gunn called to her retreating back.

Flipping Gunn off with one hand, Tara answered the phone with the other.  "Angel Investigations.  We help the helpless."

"Um, yeah," the voice on the other end of the line stammered.  "My girlfriend went away and now I don't have anyone to cuddle with except the cabana boy."

"When did you get a cabana boy, Willow?" Tara asked with a grin.

"About the time Xander and Spike moved in together."

"What?" Tara exclaimed.

"That's what I said.  We're starting to lean toward the 'Xander's a psycho' theory."

"Well, Spike's not really that bad of a guy."

"Yeah, he smokes," Gunn interjected.  "He totally defies the fact he's extremely flammable.  He's kinda cool for a demon that way."

Tara put her hand over the phone receiver.  "That's nice, Gunn.  Now leave me alone.  I'm trying to flirt with my girlfriend."

Gunn's eyes lit up.  "Can I listen?" he asked with a smile.

Tara glared, pointing a finger at him.  "Newt," she said warningly.

"I'll get better," he muttered before staring back at the controller.

"Sorry about that, honey.  Gunn was being a pain.  Of course, he's always a pain," she said loud enough for him to hear.  She sent a final glare in his direction before continuing.  "Anyway, Spike and Xander have gotten closer ever since the whole Anya thing.  I'm sure you're just overreacting."

"At this moment, I'm watching Drusilla play with his hair," she whispered.  "And he's letting her!"

"Oh," Tara replied.  "Petting.  That's unexpected."

"Did you just say something about petting?" Gunn asked.

"I'm talking about Xander," Tara told him.

Gunn turned back to the game.  "Lucky bastard," he grumbled.

"Newt!" Tara sing-songed before going back to the conversation.

"That's not the weirdest thing that's happened.  Xander had another vision, and we think he might be hearing other people's thoughts."

"Hmm," Tara thought aloud.  "Maybe this is something natural that the spell brought out.  He always seemed kinda different."

"Really?" Willow asked.  "What do you mean?"

"Well, he has this sort of glow about him.  Everyone has a sort of spirit that envelops their body.  If you know how to look you can see it.  Xander's has always been brighter than most.  He stands out.  I was surprised when you told me he was the 'normal guy'.  He always seemed so strong to me."

"He's always been great with people," Willow agreed.  "He always knows how to cheer all of us up."

"Has he ever picked up on things before everyone else?"

Willow thought for a moment.  "Oh, goddess."

"What?" Tara asked in concern.

"The night Angelus came back, Xander and I saw him in the school hallway.  The lights were out, so we couldn't see his face.  He told Xander to go get the others while he showed me something.  Oh, I can't believe I never noticed it before!"

"What happened?"

"He never got the others.  He was back in the hallway right after Jenny got there.  He was the one who got Angelus to let me go!  I never asked him what stopped him from getting everyone else."

"So, Xander's always known what other people were feeling?" Tara probed.  "He realizes when you guys feel bad even if you don't say anything?"

"I guess he's always been observant," Willow admitted.  "I just never really noticed it before.  He's just Xander."

"Maybe there's a part to him you never noticed before," Tara tried to reason with her.  She quickly switched topics.  "What was the vision about anyway?"

"Xander isn't sure.  He said it was all kind of jumbled.  He came to the Magic Box with Buffy and Spike.  They were arguing, as usual, but then he saw this woman and started freaking out.  He kept saying there was something bad about her, but she seemed okay to me.  I think she even gave Giles a card from her law firm."

On the other end of the line, Tara gripped the phone tighter and paled.  "What was her name?"

"Lilah Morgan.  Why?"

"Gunn and I will be there in a few hours."

"What's wrong?" Willow asked, alarmed.

"I'll explain when we get there.  Just don't talk to Lilah.  I love you.  Bye."

Tara hung up the phone and turned to Gunn.

"I take it there was bad news?" Gunn asked, seeing the expression on Tara's face.

"Wolfram & Hart is in Sunnydale."

"The Hellmouth?" Gunn asked.

Tara nodded.

Gunn grabbed the keys to his truck.  "We'll leave Angel a note."


	15. Oh Bugger

**Disclaimer:**

            [The next night.]

            Willow:  Boy that cave was fun!

            Anya:  Can we go back?

            Kelley:  Maybe some other time.  You go too much and it will get boring.

            Cordelia:  Yeah, whatever.  You just wanna be alone with Spike.

            Kelley:  Oh yeah?  Well who keeps going into the woods with Angelus?

            Cordelia:  I didn't say it was a bad thing.

            Kelley:  Damn straight.

            Xander:  So, what do you think we should name the island?

            [Everyone stops for a moment and realizes they never actually got around to naming the island.]

            Drusilla:  The Island of Insanity!! (she spins around with her umbrella in her hand)

            Giles:  Brigadoon?  How about that?

            Spike:  (snorts) Do I look like a kilt-wearing ponce to you?

            Drusilla:  Oooh!  Liberty Island!

            Xander:  There is already an island named that, Dru.

            Drusilla:  Oh right!  Big lady holding a torch.

            [The discussion is interrupted by an attack from the nearby jungle.]

            Angelus:  (falls to the ground) What the hell are you doing?

            Buffy:  (wielding a bamboo stake) You're gonna die!

            Cordelia:  (grabs Buffy by her ponytail) Oh no you don't!

            Buffy:  Ow!  Hey, no fair!

            [Cordelia pitches Buffy into the sand.]

            Cordelia:  I didn't spend the last two years rebuilding his personality just for you to stake him!

            Buffy:  But he's not Angel!  He's Angelus!

            Cordelia:  I haven't seen that much of a difference.

            Spike:  Yeah.  Somehow being away from you kept him from going insane when he lost his soul again.  Gee, I wonder why.

            Willow:  I wanna go back to the cave.  I'm getting a sunburn.

            Buffy:  It's night!  (pause) Wait a second!  You've been to the cave?

            Giles:  Yeah, we all have.  Well, except for you that is.

            Kelley:  Well, bye!

            [Kelley claps and everyone except for Buffy disappears.]

            Buffy:  Hey!  Wait!  This isn't fair!  Come back dammit!  I wanna go to the cave too!

            [Shelley suddenly reappears.]

            Buffy:  Yay!  Are you here to take me back to the cave with you?

Shelley:  No, I'm here to say the disclaimer.  (clears throat) Joss owns all the characters.  If we don't say disclaimers before every story he will send his army of rabid badgers after us.  We love you, Joss!

Buffy:  Please take me back to the cave with you!

Shelley:  I can't.  I'm not going to the cave.  Plus, that's up to Kelley.

Buffy:  Well get Kelley to bring me to the cave.

Shelley:  Sorry.  No can do.  You see?  She's kinda mad about the way you've been treating Spike this season, and she figures he needs someone who will actually BE NICE TO HIM!  Well, see you later.  I'm going to the tree house.

[Shelley disappears.]

Buffy:  There's a tree house?

**A/N:**  Sorry we haven't updated in awhile.  Lots of papers, "Midsummer" rehearsals, lots of crap to do lately.  You know how it is.  We hope you like the chapter.  The plot is finally arriving!

*****************************************************************************************************

Back in Sunnydale, Willow also hung up the phone.  "Tara's on her way here with Gunn," Willow informed them, a note of worry in her voice.

"Told you she was a bad lady," Xander remarked.

"If Tara's concern in indeed founded, then research is definitely in order."

Everyone groaned.

"Hooray for research mode," Willow chirped.

Xander rolled his eyes.  "Cheerful much, Wills?"

"Nah, she's just all hot and bothered cuz her girlfriend's coming to town.  Sooner we're done, the more time for a rough and tumble.  Right, Red?"

  
Willow blushed.

Buffy giggled.  "Go ahead, Will.  We'll meet you guys there later."

Willow and Giles let, bound for the Magic Box.  Buffy and Spike were right behind them.

"An evil being is living with Daddy," Drusilla muttered.  "It hides behind a mask of innocence."

"What?" Xander asked.

Drusilla turned her gaze to him.  "Be careful, my sweet."

Xander got off the bed and smiled.  "Aren't I always?"  He went to the door.  "Bye, Dru," he called as he closed the door behind him.  He slowly made his way down the stairs.  "Why can't they ever wait for me?" he muttered under his breath.

At the bottom of the stairs, he heard shouting coming from the living room.

"…she's still a threat, Spike!" Buffy yelled.

"IF she was going to hurt him, she would have done it already, pet," Spike argued, trying to be reasonable.

Xander rolled his eyes.  After all this time they were arguing about who he was friends with?  This was new!

"I don't trust her around him.  Did you see the way she was playing with his hair?  How do you know she isn't plotting something?"

"He can read people's minds, Slayer!  I think he'd know before we would.  He's smarter than you bloody Scoobies give him credit for."

"What happens when the spell wears off?"

"How do YOU know it's a bloody spell?" Spike retorted.

"What did I get a new set of parents?" Xander interrupted suddenly.  "Cuz I don't even want the ones I have now!"

"What's the deal with you and Drusilla?" Buffy asked.

"What's it to you?  Why do you care anyway?"

"Because I don't want you to get hurt," Buffy answered.

"Why are you always under the impression that I can't take care of myself?" Xander yelled.

"Yeah, you did SO well taking care of yourself against Darla and Drusilla, you ended up in the hospital!"

Xander glared at her and suddenly Buffy realized she'd gone too far.  Xander pushed past her and headed for the door.

"I'll always be the Zeppo to them, won't I?" he mumbled before slamming the door.

"Good going, Slayer.  Feel better now?"  He followed Xander out the door.

He caught up to Xander easily.  "You know she didn't really mean it.  Not like that anyway."

"She doesn't trust me!" Xander yelled.  "After everything we've been through she still doesn't think I can make my own decisions!"

Spike smirked.  "Maybe it's your choice in women?"

Xander smiled back.  "Okay," he admitted.  "A few weird choices there, but it's not like her track record's that much better."

"Hey!" Spike growled.

"Present company excluded…sort of."

Spike shot a glare at him.  "She can't help it if she's a little thick-headed."

Xander grinned.  "Yeah, all those shots to the head probably didn't help any."

The two walked in silence for a few minutes.  Suddenly, Spike put his arm out to stop Xander.

  
"Wait, someone's following us."

Xander concentrated and heard whispering in the back of his mind.  "You're right.  I can almost hear…" 

Xander felt a prick and his hand flew up to his neck.  He looked down at the dart in his hand.  "Spike, we're in trouble."  His knees buckled and he toppled to the ground.

Spike looked around wildly for the attackers, game face at the fore.  He was stopped by a sudden pain in his arm.  He looked down at the offending appendage.  

"Oh bugger," he managed to say before passing out.

*****

The young girl watched the goings on at the Magic Box in wonderment.  How could three such different people ever work together?  And what on earth had happened to the Willow she'd known in high school?  Why did the school librarian own a magic shop now?  Geez, you go away for five years and everything changes.  Ok, well that's a given, but did the entire world turn upside down?

She pushed the thoughts aside and once again focused on the three in the back.

Giles approached the table, several books haphazardly piled in his arms.  "Willow, you said Tara was on her way here?"

"Yeah," Willow answered.  "She said she'd be here in a couple of hours."

"She felt the vision was that important?" Giles asked in surprise.

"After I mentioned that lawyer woman, she wigged majorly."

"Xander said she was a bad lady, didn't he, Giles?" Anya interjected suddenly.  "Maybe she's a demon, an unrepentant, unreformed demon, that is.  Xander does seem to attract them like Lakryll Demons to egg nog.  Like Spike to alcohol.  Like you to those strange PBS comedies."

"We get the point, Anya," Giles cut her off.

Giles pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to get his thoughts in order.  "Willow, why don't you get on your laptop and try to find out about this law firm.  Anya and I will research the spell Tara performed that affected Xander.  Maybe there's a side effect that's been overlooked."

"Telepathy's a pretty big side effect to miss," Willow argued.  She turned thoughtful.  "Tara mentioned some things on the phone…maybe we should look up clairvoyance or something."

Giles paused.  "At this point, I'm willing to explore any avenue.  Hopefully, Tara will be able to shed some light on this subject."

Now having their assignments, the three got to work.

The girl leaned against the counter, absorbing everything she'd just heard.  Xander, a telepath?  She looked around the room nervously.  If that was true, that could present problems.  She gripped the counter edge tightly.  Something cracked underneath her fingers.  She pulled her hand back, seeing several small bits of metal in her palm.  She examined the pieces closely.  It was a bug.  She smiled.  Wolfram & Hart must have been listening in.  Oh well.  They weren't the only one.  She pushed herself away from the counter, stretching lazily.  Time to get out before and possible mind readers showed up.  With a mocking wave toward three people she knew couldn't see her, Marcie Ross exited the Magic Box.  "I'll be seeing you," she whispered.

*****

"I swear to God, Lorn, the parrot is evil!" Angel argued as he dragged the Host into the Hyperion.  Wesley, Fred, and Cordelia followed behind snickering quietly.

"Whoa, hold your horses, Angel Cakes.  How do you expect me to prove your little pet is some kind of demon?"

"He's not mine!" Angel screamed.  "Cordy and Fred brought the abomination home.  We need to kill it."

Fred gasped.  "How can you say that?  Bob's never done anything to you, and you still hate him."

Cordy tried to hide her smile.  "Yeah, you're not being very charitable.  There goes your redemption."

Angel glared at Cordelia, who only gave him her I'm-just-an-innocent-seer look.  Angel scowled.  "Just listen to it sing."

"It sings?" Lorn asked.

"Well, it whistles," Angel explained.  "Can you read it?"

"I don't know Broody Buns.  Can you get it to whistle?"

Angel stared at the bird.  

The bird stared at Angel.

Neither of them made a sound.

The Host looked at Fred.  "They do this often?"  
  


Fred nodded.  "All the time.  I don't think they like each other very much."

Cordelia shrugged.  "Yeah, he has a phobia, or something."

"Guys," Wesley called from his desk.  "You should take a look at this."

Angel growled at the bird.  "Sing, damn you!" he cried melodramatically. 

Cordelia, Fred, and the Host all rolled their eyes simultaneously.

"Um, guys?" Wesley called again, waving his arms in the air.

Angel grabbed the cage, shaking it angrily.  "Why do you torture me?"

The bird squawked and left his perch.  Angel jumped back with a screech, bringing his arms up in front of his face.  He pointed a shaky finger at Bob.  "Damn you," he whispered.

"HEY!  YOUR BOSS WHO PAYS YOU HAS IMPORTANT INFORMATION!" Wesley yelled.  That got everyone's attention.

"Geez, Wes!  Melodramatic much?"

Wesley's eyes narrowed as he addressed the group.  "I'm not even dignifying that with a response.  Tara and Gunn are gone."

"I knew there was something up with those two!" Cordelia proclaimed.

"Not like that, Cordelia," Wesley corrected.  "Apparently, they've headed for Sunnydale."

"Why?" Angel asked, clearly confused.  "Is there trouble?"

Wesley looked at the group gravely.  "Lilah's in Sunnydale."

Angel squashed the impulse to bolt out the door and go after the Wolfram & Hart lawyer.  He had responsibilities in L.A. to think of, after all."

"Did they say anything else?" Angel asked.

"They said they would call us when the got to Sunnydale.  It also mentions something about Xander and visions."

Angel forced himself to calm down.  He had to focus.  Tara and Gunn could handle a little reconnaissance.  If they needed help, they'd call.  "Then we'll wait for them to check back in."

Cordelia and Wesley looked at Angel like he'd grown an extra head.

"What?" Angel asked.  "I can't be patient?"

Cordelia arched an eyebrow.  Wesley looked at him disbelievingly.  Angel remained undaunted.  "We'll keep researching until Tara calls us."

Wesley blinked.  Angel was actually holding back?  He looked out the window for signs of locusts or raining frogs.  He sighed in relief.  It seemed they were safe…for now.  "Yes," he said.  "That sounds like a great idea."

*****

Buffy stormed into a Magic Box, still fuming after two hours of demon bashing.  The anger had dimmed a little, but she still couldn't believe that even Xander was defending Drusilla.  Spike didn't even join her on patrol like usual.  Dammit!  He was supposed to annoy her and keep the boredom away.  That's what he did best.

The door opened again.  She spun around to deliver a sarcastic remark to Spike, but it wasn't Spike.

"Um…Tara.  What are you doing here?"

"Who is your tall, dark, and muscled friend?" Anya asked from where she was counting the money at the cash register.

Tara smiled at Anya.  "This is Gunn.  Gunn, this is Anya."  Tara spotted Willow at one of the back tables.  She hurried over and gave her girlfriend a kiss.  Gunn wolf whistled from his spot at the front of the shop.  Tara broke the kiss and winked at Gunn, who was still smiling.  Tara quickly became serious and turned to Buffy.  "We're here about Lilah."

Buffy frowned.  "That bad, huh?" she asked tentatively.

"We go way back," Gunn told her.  "She's bad news.  Whatever she's up to here, you can bet you won't like it at all.  Nobody wants to deal with Wolfram & Hart."

"Wolfram & Hart?!" Anya cried.  "Oh gods!  They're going to kill us!  Giles, we're leaving the country."

Giles glared.  "We most certainly are not, Anya.  What's gotten you so panicky?"

"No one crosses them.  They're the lawyers of the demon world, and have a hand in everything.  I met them once in my demon days."

"Demon days?" Gunn asked, surprised.

"Yes, demon days." Anya assured him.  "Do you have a problem with that?  During the 2nd Crusade, Wolfram & Hart tried to have me executed."

"Whoa!" Gunn exclaimed.  "That happened in 1270 or something.  How old are you?"

"I think more to the point would be, how old is Wolfram & Hart?"

Willow saw that this conversation was going nowhere fast.  "Buffy, aren't Xander and Spike supposed to be with you?"

"We separated," Buffy answered quickly.

"When?" Willow asked.

"About…" Buffy looked around until she spotted a clock near the door.  "…two hours ago.  They should have gotten here by now."

"Maybe they went patrolling," Willow suggested weakly.

"They're on foot and Xander's still in a cast.  Even Spike and Xander aren't that stupid.  Besides, I went patrolling."

"Why did the three of you separate anyway?" Tara asked.

"Well…we kinda, sorta…had a fight," Buffy admitted.  "You don't think they're in trouble, do you?"

"I'm sure they're perfectly fine," Giles tried to reassure her.  "But we do need to find them…wherever they've run off to."

"All right.  Gunn, you take Willow and Tara and check out the main hangouts.  Willow will show you where they are.  Giles and I will scope out the cemeteries.  Anya, stay here just in case the come back here.  Everybody got that?"

They all nodded and set out to search.

Buffy sighed.  "Xander, Spike, where are you?"


	16. Zeppos, Lawyers, And Vampires...Oh My!

**Disclaimer:**

Buffy:  (throwing a temper tantrum) I wanna go to the cave!  (she beats her fists on the ground, throwing sand everywhere) Why do I always get the crappy end of the deals?  Doesn't anyone care about me anymore?  Joss owns me dammit!  I'm not supposed to be treated this way!

[Suddenly, a new person appears.]

New person:  Whoa!  What's your problem?  And where am I?

Buffy:  (calms down and looks up) Who the hell are you?

New person:  Jane McCartney.  Who are you?

Buffy:  Hello!  I'm Buffy!

Jane:  No way!  Really?

Buffy:  (smiles) Well, yeah.

Jane:  Wow!

Buffy:  Yep, I'm Buffy.

Jane:  Ah!  So can you tell me where I can find Xander?

Buffy:  What?!?!?!

Jane:  Xander!  Tall, goofy, likes to wear bright clothing.  A man after my own heart.  I love Xander.

Buffy:  You're with that other girl!  Geez!  Doesn't anyone like ME?

[Shelley and Xander appear.  Shelley smiles.]

Shelley:  Jane!!!!  I've always wanted to meet you, but I couldn't afford the airline ticket to Brazil!  Oh!  Xander, this is Jane!  She really wanted to meet you.

Xander:  Hi!  We can play hide and seek now!

Shelley:  Kelley wants to meet Jane too!  Let's take her to the cave.  There are lots of good places to hide there!

Jane:  Yeah!  The cave!  The cave!

Buffy:  What about me?  You guys keep forgetting about me!

Shelley:  It's not always about YOU, Buffy!  We'll just leave you here to think about that.

[Shelley snaps her fingers.  Kelley finally taught her the neat trick of disappearing with a snap of the fingers.  Jane and Xander disappear too.]

Buffy:  God dammit! 

[Lightning hits the ground two inches from her foot.]

Buffy:  Aaah!  (she faints)

**A/N:**  Look!  A new chapter!  Oh, and we hope that you don't mind we used you in our disclaimer, Jane!  Shelley just read your story "Faithless Rhapsody" and really liked it.  Plus, her story "Loose Ends" is totally awesome and everyone should read it!  Anyhoo, we hope you enjoy the chapter!

*******************************************************************************************************

Spike opened his eyes with a groan.  "Bloody hell!  Where am I?"  He pressed his hand to his forehead.  "God, my head is killing me!"  He paused a second, thinking about the pun, but in the end dismissed it.  He looked at the unconscious figure beside him.  Then he hit him.  "Wake up, whelp!  You breathe way too loud!"

"Ow!" Xander said from his position on the floor.  He curled up as tightly as he could and whimpered.  "Leave me alone!"

"We don't even know where we are, whelp.  Get up!"

"You're Wolfram & Hart's guests," a voice spoke from the darkness.

Spike's head whipped around, searching for the source of the voice.  Xander tried to look too, but wasn't up to abandoning his fetal position.

"Who are you?" Spike growled into surrounding shadows.

"I'm no one to be trifled with," the voice answered.

"If you come out in a black mask, I'm going to lose my lunch." Xander retorted weakly from the floor.  He swallowed heavily.  "I might lose my lunch anyway."

Spike saw the figure step closer.  "Yeah, you'll feel like shit for at least a few more hours."

Xander sighed.  "Yippee."

"Why's that?" Spike asked.  "All I've got is this stupid bloody headache and even it's going away."

"That's strange," the man commented.  "This drug really messes humans up."  He paused.  "Don't tell me.  You're a demon, right?"

Spike nodded.  "Vampire, mate."

"Then why haven't you snacked on the kid?  Oh god!  You don't have a soul, do you?"

Spike looked insulted.  "Hell no!"

"Good.  I can't handle any brooding now.  I just want my car back."

_Wow, that came from nowhere_, Spike thought.  Suddenly, his mind processed everything that had been said.  "Wait, brooding?  You know Peaches?"

"What?" the man asked, confused.

"Dead Boy," Xander mumbled.

"Who?"

"Angel," they both grumbled.

"Yeah.  I hate that guy."

"What did he do to you?" Spike asked.

"The bastard cut my hand off.  I couldn't play guitar for over a year."

"Angel?" Xander asked.  "Soul boy cut your hand off?  Was he evil?"

"No, just really pissed.  I'm going to get back at him if it's the last thing I do.  No one messes with Lindsey McDonald!"

"Who's Lindsey McDonald?"

"Me!"

"Oh," Spike said.  "Well, at least he didn't steal your girlfriend."

Lindsey frowned.  "Well, actually…"

"I bet he never offered you to his relatives as snack food," Xander argued.

Lindsey looked slightly embarrassed.  "Well, to tell the truth…"

Spike smirked.  "At least you haven't seen him post shag.  It's not pretty."

"Actually, you know that girlfriend I was talking about?"

Spike's eyes widened.  "She was a blonde, wasn't she?"

Lindsey smiled.  "Oh yeah."

"And he didn't lose his soul?"

"Nope."

"That's not bloody fair!" Spike yelled.  "Wait, what am I saying?  He's annoying as hell with the soul, but he's ten times worse without it."

Xander snorted in agreement.

"So, who are you guys anyway?" Lindsey asked.  "I mean, what does Wolfram & Hart want with you?"

"The name's William the Bloody, you nonce.  Don't forget it either!"

Xander snorted again.

Lindsey's eyes widened.  "Wow!  William the Bloody?  Slayer of two Slayers?  Grand childe to Angel!  Childe of Dru…"

"Yes!  That's me!  What are you?  A groupie?"

Lindsey shrugged.  Not really.  Just informed."

"Do you know about his chip?" Xander questioned.

"Shut up, Xander!" Spike said through gritted teeth.

"I didn't say what it does, fangless."

"Chip?  What are you talking about?" Lindsey asked.

"Nothing for you to concern yourself with," Spike replied.  "Just remember, I'm very dangerous and can kill you in a second."

Xander snorted for a third time.

"If you don't stop doing that, Harris, I'm going to pull your nose off!"

"So, who's the kid and why haven't you killed him if you hate him so much?" Lindsey asked.

"I don't want the Slayer to stake me."

Xander waved from the floor nonchalantly.  "Xander Harris…Donut Boy."

"Holy shit!" Lindsey cried.  "You're Xander Harris?"

Xander sat up surprised and immediately regretted it.  He glared at Lindsey.  "You know who I am?"

"You kept the Hellmouth from opening once."

Spike rolled his eyes.  "Yeah.  They've done it a couple of times.  They're kind of predictable that way."

"No!" Lindsey interjected.  "I'm talking about that time you stopped Jack O'Toole!"

"It wasn't that big of a deal," Xander muttered.  

Spike listened in confusion.  "What?"

"You personally set back the End of Days for years!  Jack O'Toole was working for us…Wolfram & Hart.  We hired him specifically to blow up the school so you guys could not close the Hellmouth."  He chuckled.  "You really pissed off the senior partners.  I hid in my office for two weeks just so I wouldn't get killed."

Xander half-grinned.  "Whoa."

Spike raised an eyebrow.  "Why haven't I heard about this from the other Scoobies?"

"They don't know."

"You didn't tell them?" Spike asked in shock.

"Tell them?  No!  And they're not going to find out either.  They didn't want me there that night anyway."

"But think of how much you could brag!"

"I don't need to brag.  I know what I did," he replied.

"Have it your way, Harris," Spike said quietly.

"You didn't tell 'em huh?  Good choice.  Never show all your cards at once," Lindsey added.

"So, Lindsey, you worked for Wolfram & Hart.  How did that work out?" Xander asked.

"I'm enjoying the unemployed life…well, until I got kidnapped.  Wolfram & Hart doesn't exactly have a retirement program."

"Why'd they kidnap you?" Spike asked.

"I was just in Sunnydale minding my own business and waiting for my car to get repaired and wham!  Here I am now."

"What did you do?  Hit a vampire?" Xander questioned.

"Worse!  I hit the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign!"

"Now you're singin' my tune," Spike said with a smile.  "Kinda cathartic isn't it?"

Lindsey shrugged.  "I did see some nut jobs driving down Main Street staking vampires one night."

"Hey!  That was us!" Xander cried with a smile.

Lindsey laughed.  "Creative."

They were silent for a moment.

Lindsey chuckled.  "Is it just me, or does Angel's hair stick straight up?"

Xander and Spike guffawed.

"He's the reason Dep is still in business," Xander replied.

Spike glared at Xander.  "Hey!"

Xander smirked.  "Well, you're the reason Dep and Clorox are still in business."

"We are talking about the poof here!" Spike whined.

"Spike, I'm just gonna say this once.  Pot.  Kettle.  Black."

Lindsey laughed.  "This could take awhile."

Xander looked around the room.  "Well, we seem to have a lot of time to spare."


	17. Torment Of The Paranoid

**Disclaimer:**

Angelus:  (looking at reader…yes, you) Now watch this.  Buffy has her slayer senses to the full…looking for me no doubt.  Heh heh heh.  I'm a soulless demon, therefore I must die.  She stalks her prey, never noticing the rope she is about to step in.

[Suddenly a loud scream and a thud is heard.  Angelus snickers evilly.]

Angelus:  Did you see the grace with which she walked into the rope?  I never believed that Buffy was the brightest crayon in the box, but this kind of proves it.  Look at the way she is dangling upside down…just like a worm.  She's screaming to be let out.  I didn't know she knew some of those obscenities.  Must be Spike's influence.  I don't know what to say about my wayward grand childe.  I should thump him for being such a dumbass around her.  What is it about her that turns vampires into puppies with no personalities?  Must be a Slayer thing.  

[He slowly makes his way from the dangling slayer.  Buffy is squirming viciously, trying to free herself from the rope.]

Angelus:  Hey, Buffy?  Whatcha doin'?  Just hangin' around?  (looks back at reader) That was bad…even for me.  I do wish she would shut up.  I've got just the thing though.  (pulls out a role of duct tape and places a piece over her mouth) Aaah, that's so much better.  I think my real problem is the fact that Buffy thinks everything is always about her.  Yes, she is the one strung up, but I just did this for shits and giggles.  I don't feel any real malice toward her.  It's not like she can actually kill me or anything.  She's just so fun to mess with.

[He gives Buffy a push, making her swing back and forth like a pendulum.]

Angelus:  Don't worry.  I don't plan on leaving her like this forever.  (looks at Buffy) I've got plans for you, girlie.  (laughs at her) Joss may own you, but me and everyone else on this island have decided we want to have our wicked way with you.  Just not in the sense that you are thinking right now.  We'll return you unharmed, relatively speaking.

**A/N:  **Look, it's another chapter!  We had such a great opening night for "A Midsummer Night's Dream" that we decided to update.  Please, read read read and review.  It will make us happy!

***********************************************************************************************

Buffy burst through the door of the Magic Box.  "I'm going to kill them both!" she exclaimed.

Dawn looked up from the book she was studying.  "You didn't find them?" she asked, biting her lower lip with worry.

"Not a peep, Dawnie," Buffy answered.  She growled in frustration.  "This isn't funny anymore.  They've been gone all night."

"It wasn't funny to begin with," Dawn retorted.  "They could be in real trouble, and we have no idea where to even start looking for them."

The bell above the shop door jingled, diverting both girls' attention.  The man nodded to the two ladies.  "I've got a package for a Ms. Buddy Summers?  I was told she'd be here."

"You mean Buffy?" the slayer asked.

The man squinted at the package label.  "Huh.  Whatever.  You wanna sign for this?"

Buffy rolled her eyes and signed.  The UPS man left without a word.  "You could have at least got my name right," she grumbled after the door closed behind him.

"Who's it from?" Dawn asked.

Buffy sat down beside her at the table.  "Doesn't say.  It's not very heavy."  She ripped into the envelope open and spilled its contents onto the tabletop.

"Oooh, photos!" Dawn cried, snatching them up and glancing at them.  Suddenly she threw them back on the table.  "Bad photos, Buffy!"

"What?"  Buffy looked at the pictures.  "Oh, no."  Buffy snatched up the letter, pointedly ignoring the pictures of Spike and Xander, unconscious or…no, she wasn't even going to think that!

"Buffy?" Dawn queried, her voice trembling.  "This is some kind of joke, right?"

Buffy shook her head.  "No, Dawnie, it's not.  Someone's kidnapped Spike and Xander."

"Well, what do they want?" Dawn asked.

Buffy frowned.  "Me," she answered.  "We need to get the rest of the guys here now."

*****

It didn't take long for everyone to gather at the Magic Box.  Everyone had been on their way there anyway, wanting to continue the search for their friends.  Giles had even brought Drusilla along.  She'd sang "Everything You Know is Wrong" at the top of her lungs for thirty minutes before Giles had finally agreed she could accompany him.  She sat tied to one of the many chairs around the table at the back of the Magic Box.  Tara stood near one of the bookshelves, Willow leaning against her, and Gunn beside her with his hand on her shoulder.  Giles and Anya sat across from Drusilla.  If anyone had looked, they' have noticed Giles' hand gently squeeze Anya's knee before he began speaking.

"Well, now we know why Spike and Xander failed to show up last night.  The question now is why go after them?"  

"They want me," Buffy answered.  "That's what the letter said."

"Yes, but why kidnap them?" Giles asked.  "You have several other friends, and it's not the usual tactic."

"Yeah," Dawn said, frowning.  "They usually go after me."

"Or Giles," Anya pointed out.  "They sometimes go for Giles.  But they usually leave Xander and Spike.  They only get kidnapped by accident or as an accessory."

"Lilah doesn't know about Xander's visions, does she?" Tara asked worriedly.

Buffy paled.  "She was here yesterday when we came in.  She must have suspected something."

"Guys, you're missing the point here, I think," Willow interrupted.  "It doesn't matter whether Wolfram & Hart knows about Xander or not.  We have to meet with them to have any hope of seeing them again.  After Buffy finds out what they want with her, then we can focus on Spike and Xander.  Until then, we're going in blind."

"It's probably a trap," Giles argued.

Buffy smiled grimly.  "Only one way to find out."

*****

It was twenty-nine steps from the front desk of the Hyperion to the big couch in the lobby.  Each step was a distance of approximately one and a half tiles.  The length of the front desk itself was only six steps back and forth.  At top speed, Angel could make it from the phone to the door in two seconds.  One and a half if he jumped the couch.  So, once Tara and Gunn called, Angel would have no problems helping, fighting, anything to get out of this godforsaken hotel!

"Angel…"

The souled vampire spun on his heels to look at Cordelia.  "What?" he asked innocently.

"If you pace the length of the floor one more time, I'm chaining you to the wall," she threatened.

  
Angel smirked.  "Really?"

"Not in a good way," Cordelia clarified.

Angel flung himself onto the couch.  "Fine, be that way," he pouted.

*****

Buffy glowered at the back of Anya's head and crossed her arms in front of her chest.  Buffy had to resort to sitting in the back seat with Drusilla.  Anya would call shotgun, and Giles had agreed with the arrangement.  

"You can better handle Drusilla, my foot!" she said under her breath.  She knew why Anya really got to sit up front.  Stupid ex-vengeance demons!

Buffy sighed and looked across the seat at Drusilla.  The vampire was curled up in the seat, biting the nails of her bound hands and mumbling softly to herself.  Or, at least Buffy assumed Drusilla was talking to herself.

"Ahh!" Giles growled in frustration.  "How the bloody hell does Spike see out of this windshield?"

Anya squinted.  "I think that's what the tiny chips in the paint are for, but I'm not sure.  You can do it, Giles!" she encouraged.

Buffy watched Drusilla for a few more minutes, but finally her nerves couldn't take it anymore.

"What the hell is up with you, Drusilla?"

"My knight and Spike are in the dark room with the lawyer," Drusilla whispered.  "Bad things happen there.  The walls cry out, they wail.  What if they put together the puzzle?"

"God!"  Buffy rolled her eyes.  "Can't you speak like a sane person for once in your unlife?"

"Xander understands me," she whispered softly.  "We must rescue him from the bad men.  They really don't like him."

Buffy scowled.  "I don't know what your deal is with Xander, but I don't like it.  I don't trust you as far as I can throw you.  How do I know you won't turn him the first time you get out of Giles' little prison for you?"

"The slayer might kill my Spike."

"I don't have a reason to stake Spike.  You're a vampire.  Xander's food to you."

Drusilla cast a murderous glare Buffy's way.  "The White Knight is not food.  He's special."  She looked at Buffy curiously.  "But you don't really see it, do you?"

Buffy shot Drusilla a glare of her own.  "I don't trust you."

"You're the slayer, but my childe loves you, trusts you.  I'm not sure I do."

"I'll be watching you," Buffy warned before she resumed glaring at the back of Anya's head.

"And I you," Drusilla whispered.  She curled tighter in the seat and tried to push away thoughts of her two loved ones suffering in a dark room.

*****

Step, step, step, turn.  Step, step, step, turn.  Step, step, st—

"I can't take it anymore!" Angel yelled, vaulting over the front desk.

Cordelia, Wesley, and Fred jumped at the outburst.  The books in Wesley's lap fell to the floor.  Fred's soda spilled across the lobby floor.

"Geez, Angel!  You need to switch to decaf.  They'll call.  Go stare at your bird or something."

"It's not mine!" Angel screeched.  "Stop calling it mine!"

Wesley sighed.  "He's going to keep this up until we go after Tara and Gunn, isn't he?"

Fred nodded.  "Probably.  He's like that."

"All right.  That's it.  We haven't heard from them since yesterday.  We have to go after them."

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"Never mind.  They're here," Cordelia said through gritted teeth.

"How do you know?" Fred asked as Angel bounded over her and the lobby couch.

"They knocked," Cordelia answered simply.

Angel opened the door and ushered the Sunnydale gang inside.  He looked strangely at Drusilla huddled under a blanket, but let her in too.

"You morons!  Don't knock on our door!  It's pointless!  No one knocks!  Geez!"

"Cordy, get a grip," Angel chided.  He stood at the door expectantly.  _Any second now.  Wait for it.  Wait for it,_ Angel thought to himself.  _Wait for it._  "All right.  Where are they?"

"Who?" Willow asked.

"Spike or Xander?  I know they're thinking of some way to torment me even as we speak.."

*****

"Peroxide in the hair gel," Spike suggested.

  
Xander nodded.  "Wow, five points.  Good job, Spike."

Lindsey grinned.  "How about wadding up all of his shirts and throwing them in the bottom of his closet?"

"Ooh!  That's twisted.  Seven points for Lindsey."  

Xander quieted for a moment, then smiled and chuckled evilly.  "Let Bob out of his cage."

Spike started laughing hysterically.  "That's bloody brilliant!  Ten points for you, mate.  Twenty if you get him to scream like a girl."

Lindsey laughed at the image.  Good ole Bob.

*****

"Don't be ridiculous!" Cordelia exclaimed.  "You think everyone's tormenting you.  You're so paranoid."

"And I'm usually right!  So where are they?"

Buffy showed Angel and the others the pictures and letter from Wolfram & Hart.

"Aw, man.  We have to rescue them?" Angel asked.

Buffy glared.

"Um, I mean…yeah, evil's afoot, and stuff.  It's my business, not to mention my sacred duty to help them."

"Plus, you'll be foiling Wolfram & Hart's newest evil scheme," Wesley added helpfully.

"What are we waiting for then?" Angel asked, smiling.  "Let's go into Wesley's office and start talking strategy."

Everyone followed Wesley into the next room, Angel taking the rear.  "I better get redemption for this," he grumbled.


	18. Bloody Hell! Not Again!

**Disclaimer:**

[Buffy is tied to a pole.  The rest of the group is prancing around half naked smothered with mud, warpaint, the usual.  Think Lord of the Flies.  Xander and Spike are each carrying one end of the Buffy pole.  They are both chanting something that sounds like a cross between Enya and Sid Vicious.  Buffy is squirming in a futile effort to get away, not having any luck.]

Spike:  Dammit, Slayer!  Hold still!  (goes back to chanting)

Buffy:  Why am I being put through this torture?  What did I do to deserve this?

[Everyone busts out laughing.]

Angelus:  For once, Buffy, this is all about you.  You're a bitch.  Do I need a better reason?

Buffy:  I'm the Slayer!  I was ripped out of Heaven!  My life is too hard right now.  

Spike:  Oh, please.  Stop with the bloody pity party.

Buffy:  Joss owns us!  He would never let this happen to me.  I hate you Kelley and Shelley, god dammit!

[Kelley glares at Buffy.  Buffy is smacked in the head with a lightning bolt and knocked unconscious.]

Angelus:  Thank you!

Shelley:  (looks at Kelley) Whoa!  Where did you learn that?  

Kelley: What?  I didn't do that!  I just glared.  I don't know how to produce lightning.

Xander:  Then who did that?

[Whistling is heard.  Willow looks away as everyone looks at her and she continues to whistle a jaunty tune.]

Willow:  What?  What?  I uh…wanted to be the one to say the disclaimer.  She always gets to say it.  Yeah, that's it.

Giles:  Dear Lord, Willow.  (smiles) You must teach me to do that.  

Anya:  Ooookay.  Uh, now what?

Angelus:  Leave that to me.  I have an idea.  Heh heh heh.

Jane:  (points heavenward) To the cave!

Xander:  (looks at her) Hey!  You're back!

[Everyone disappears, leaving Buffy lying unconscious on the ground, still tied to the pole.]

**A/N:**  Okay!  We have 69 reviews **laughs like an immature high school boy**.  We want to say thank you to all our great reviewers!  Well, actually, Shelley wanted to say "Wiffle wiffle," but I told her this was more traditional.  We LOVE you guys!  You are soooooo incredibly awesome!

***********************************************************************************************

"Fluffy."

"Poofy."

"Tornado hair."

"Spikey."

Spike glared.

"Ya know, I think he uses more hair care products than those old country music singers with the big hair," Xander said.  Lindsey grinned.

"This is stupid," Spike grumbled, standing up quickly.

"But it's fun!" Xander taunted.

"No, it's not.  It's a stupid, childish game," Spike replied.

"Oh, please, Spike.  You're winning the game right now."

"So?  Maybe I'm just tired of it!"

"Spike, this game will never get boring.  C'mon!  Who could get tired of 'Angel's Hair is Bloody Stupid' when there are so many different ways to point this out?" Xander argued.

"Yeah, well, we need to think of a new game!"

"Yeah, ok, fangless.  You're just miffed because of the last comment we made."

"I DO NOT use more hair care products than that Dolly Parton bird, or the Judds or any of them.  And furthermore, I hate country music!" Spike boomed.

Xander bit his lip to keep from laughing.  "You have to admit, Spike, you do use a lot.  All that bleach to keep it that blinding shade of blonde.  Then there is the hair gel factor.  You really need some right now, by the way.  Did you know you have curly hair?  Who dyes your hair for you anyway?  It's not like you have the ability to look in a mirror."

"Ok, whelp!  Bloody hell!"

"Wow, who is Mr. Sensitive now?" Xander teased.

"You should be happy I haven't eaten you yet!"

Xander smirked at the seething vampire.

Spike began pacing back and forth.  Lindsey and Xander watched him for a few minutes.

"I think someone has cabin fever," Lindsey whispered to Xander.  They both started to laugh.

"Ha bloody ha!" Spike growled.  He looked thoughtful for a moment.  "All righty then," he smirked.  "Nair."

Lindsey and Xander looked at Spike.  "Huh?"

"Nair…in his shampoo bottle."

"Oh, that's so evil, Spike," Xander said seriously.  Spike scowled at him.  Xander smiled.  "Fifty points for you.  Although, I think I'd rather be blind than see a bald Angel."

"Not me," Lindsey said with a chuckle.

Spike sat back down beside the two men.  "I wonder if Buffy's started looking for us yet," he said curiously.

"I'm sure she's missed you at least," Xander grumbled.

"Oh, come on, whelp.  You know she's just looking out for you, even if she is being a stupid bint."

Xander sighed.  "Yeah, I know, but I am twenty years old, and capable of making my own decisions.  She forgets that."

"Well, I bet Drusilla's going nuts…um, more nuts over your going missing.  She's probably spouting metaphors even as we speak."

Lindsey looked at the two in shock.  "Drusilla?"

Spike smirked.  "Yeah.  She fancies the boy."  He struck a romantic pose.  "Oh my White Knight," he spoke in falsetto.  "You make such pretty music in my head."

"Shut up, Spike!" Xander cried.

"Miss Edith says such naughty things about you.  I'll protect you from her foul mouth."

"Spike," Xander warned.  "I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"I'd like to see you try," Spike countered.  "Now you know what it's like to be made fun of, so there."

"You're a vampire.  You're supposed to be able to take it," Xander argued.  "What were you before you were a vampire?  Some kind of poet or something?"

"No!" Spike answered a little too quickly.

Xander looked at him oddly for a moment.  Lindsey chuckled.  "Were you guys brothers in a past life?"

"It could explain why I've never killed him no matter how bloody annoyin' he got," Spike mused.

Lindsey looked at him, puzzled.  "Don't vampires usually kill their families?"

"What do I look like?  Angelus?  That was just his raison d'etre.  One vampire has family issues and we all get stereotyped.  I did try to go after Cecily, but she'd disappeared.  Stupid bint.  I would have loved to stuck a spike through her effulgent head!"

"Effulgent?" Xander mouthed to Lindsey in question.  "Spike, who's Cecily?  What the hell does effulgent mean?"

"It means bright, but that's beside the point."

"I didn't bring it up," Xander pointed out.

"Shut up, Xander," Spike snapped.  "Why don't you make yourself useful and find a way out of here."

"And why is that my job?" Xander asked.

"Because if we don't get out, then we can blame you," Spike answered.

"Gee, thanks.  Now I'm really going to cover your walls with Christina Aguilera posters!"

"Oh yeah?  Well, I'll put blood in the chocolate milk."

"Eww, gross!  I'll put a cross between your mattress and box springs!  Let's see if you sleep dead then!"

"I'll steal all your country music."

"I'll hide your bleach…if I ever find it."

"I'll put my red shirt in the wash with the towels and turn them all pink."

"All your towels will be pink too," Xander retorted.  

"Hey, I'm comfortable with my sexuality."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Xander asked angrily.

"Ah, come on.  I know you like me."

"That's a world of no," Xander replied.  He smiled.  "I think I might like your mom though."

"What are you talking about?  My mom's dead…oh.  Don't call Dru my mom.  We were together for a hundred years."

"Ok, Oedipus.  Have it your way."

"Don't call me Oedipus.  I'm surprised you even know who he is."

"Research Boy, incognito.  Remember?"

"For how long?"

"Always.  And you have tried to kill Angel several times.  Sounds pretty greek to me."

Everyone shuddered at the stupid play on words.  Xander shrugged.  "Hey, I haven't eaten in awhile.  Cut me a little slack."  Xander paused in thought.  "I'll steal your Doc Martens.  I need new shoes anyway."

"I'll tell Dru you like her," Spike threatened.

Xander glared at Spike.  "I'll make sure you never see Passions again, even if I have to take NBC off my cable plan."

Spike gasped.  "You wouldn't," he growled in demon face.

"Uh oh," Lindsey warned.  "I think you've done it now."

Xander ignored him.  "That's right, Spike.  I said Passions.  You know I'll do it.  What are you going to do?"

Lindsey watched the two engage in a staring match, and rolled his eyes.  "Why me?" he asked the ceiling.  "Why does everything happen to me?"

Their argument ceased abruptly when the door opened.

"Bloody hell!  Not again!" Spike yelled when he was struck by another dart.  He toppled to the ground.

Three guards entered the dimly lit room, one immediately aiming a pistol towards Lindsey.  "I'd stay where you are," he warned.  "This gun isn't armed with tranq darts."

The second guard approached Xander.  "We need you to come with us," he informed Xander.

Xander backed away from the guard nervously.  "And why would I do something so colossally stupid?" Xander asked the man.

"Because your vampire friend is defenseless right now," the guard answered.  He motioned to the third guard who went over to where Spike lay.  He pulled the end of his night stick off, revealing a stake and stood over Spike's prone form.

The second guard smiled humorlessly at Xander.  "Either you come quietly, or we give the Slayer a bag of ashes as proof of our intentions.  It's up to you."

Xander looked over at Spike.  How did he know they wouldn't stake him after he left?  "You make sure your two chuckleheads follow us out and I won't give you any trouble."

The guard laughed.  "Don't worry.  You're both much more valuable to us alive."  He waved the two other guards forward before pulling his own gun and pointing it at Xander.  He motioned him toward the door.  With an icy glare, Xander conceded.  The guard chuckled again.  "For now," he finished as he closed and locked the door behind them.


	19. An Indecent Proposal

**Disclaimer:**

[Buffy slowly wakes up.  She is being carried once again on the Buffy pole.  Only this time, two different people she has never seen before are carrying both ends of the pole.  One wears a pith helmet and has a machete strapped to her belt.  The other is balancing a book on top of her head.]

Buffy:  What are you guys?  Cannibals?

Chantal:  No, not cannibals.

Bridgett:  (shrugs) We're just bored.

Buffy:  Where are you taking me?

Chantal:  I don't know.  I figured we'd just carry you around for awhile, build a bonfire, and then EAT you!

Bridgett:  But, there isn't much to each there.  So we decided to settle for something that is actually appealing…PIZZA!

Buffy:  But what are you going to do with me?

Bridgett:  Oh, we're going to kidnap you and make your friends come in and save the day.  They're already really good at that, but you're the one that always get all the credit.

Chantal:  So, we're not sure if they are really going to save you or not.

Buffy:  They'll save me.  They have to save me.  It's my show.

Bridgett:  Does it look like we're trekking through the Jossverse?  Helllllllooooo!  This is Kelley and Shelley territory.  We can do whatever we want to you.  The story isn't called All About Buffy or even Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  It's called Camelot is a Silly Place.  So there!

Chantal:  Joss may own all of you, but you're entertainment for the fanfic masses now.  Deal with it!

Buffy:  Noooooooo!

[Kelley, Spike, Shelley, and Xander all appear.]

Spike:  Christ, Slayer!  We can hear you from all the way in the cave!

Buffy:  They're being mean to me.  (sobs because she thinks it will actually help her)

Xander:  Quit the waterworks, Buffy.  It's not that big of a deal.  So you're tied to a pig pole.  Try to look on the bright side of things.

Buffy:  That being?

Xander:  Angelus is not here at the moment tormenting you.

Spike:  Yeah.  He's too busy making out with the Cheerleader.

Kelley:  So…Chantal, Bridgett…wanna go to the cave?  Jane's in there with us!

[Bridgett slams a book to the ground and Chantal waves her machete around in cheer.]

Shelley:  All right.  Let us go then.

Kelley:  Wait, wait, wait!  

Bridgett:  We gotta finish kidnapping Buffy.

Chantal:  Yeah, we've already got the groundplans for the bonfire.

Shelley:  Okay.  Fine.  (snaps fingers and Buffy disappears to another part of the island) All done.  (smiles enthusiastically)

Bridgett and Chantal:  Coooooooooooool!

Spike:  (grabs Kelley's arm) Let's go already!  Bloody hell!

Kelley:  We're going.  Men!  (snaps fingers and everyone disappears again)

**A/N:**  Yeah, we're updating AGAIN!  And you're all saying "Wow!  They just updated like two days ago!"  Well, "A Midsummer Night's Dream" closed today and me and Shelley are super depressed cuz we had so much fun making it and everything.  So, we figured the best way to smile would be to update and hopefully we will cheer up soon.  **tear**  This was Shelley's last performance here.  She's graduating in May.  Feel free to send reviews to make us feel better and wish Shelley luck.  Booyah.  **goes off crying like a big sissy**

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Buffy fidgeted in the plush chair the receptionist had led her to minutes before.  The tastefully decorated office was not at all what she expected for a meeting place to discuss ransom demands.  Neither was the cheerful receptionist who'd met her as she entered the building and later asked her if she wanted anything to drink while she waited.  The bad guys definitely do things differently in L.A.  Buffy tugged absently at the bottom of her shirt, suddenly feeling underdressed.

Buffy jumped slightly when she heard the door open.  "Xander!" she cried as he was shoved into the office.

"Hey, watch the leg!" Xander growled to the guard.  He waved at Buffy.  "Hey, Buff.  You ok?"

The guard shoved Xander into a chair in the corner.  "What the hell is going on?" he asked the guard angrily.

"You don't ask the questions.  We do," the guard sneered.

"That's so cliché," Xander retorted.  "You're just paid to stand there and look constipated while someone who gets paid a lot more than you do asks questions."

"The threat to stake your friend still stands," the guard warned.

Xander met Buffy's eyes briefly before glaring at the guard.  "I'm not going to be a prisoner forever."

"Boys, please behave yourselves," Lilah chided as she entered.  "We're trying to conduct a meeting."

After a departing glare at Xander, the guard moved to the door, and stood…um, guard.

Lilah walked to Buffy's side.  "Ms. Summers, I'm so glad you could make it.  I'm Lilah Morgan."  She held out her hand.  Buffy just glared at it.

"I know who you are," Buffy answered tightly.

Lilah smiled.  "Well, at least the formalities are out of the way.  I suppose your friend knows as well?"

"More than you think," Xander replied glibly.

Lilah leaned against the front of the desk.  "Ms. Summers, let me just put this into plain terms.  We want you to work for Wolfram & Hart."

"Ok," Buffy answered brightly.  "One thing first, though.  Convince my boyfriend to stop smoking."

At this, Xander snickered.

Lilah plowed on, despite this.  "Well, we could inform him of the dangers it poses to his respiratory system.  After thirty or forty years, he won't even be able to breathe anymore."

This statement only made Xander laugh even harder.  Even Buffy began to giggle.  Lilah frowned, realizing she was part of some joke she had no idea about.

"Should I take your obvious humor as a no?"

"I'd call it more of a HELL NO, but you've got the general idea," Buffy corrected her.

Lilah decided to change tactics.  "You see this office?"

Buffy nodded.

"It used to belong to one of our junior partners, but he decided he didn't believe in us anymore.  Do you know what we do to employees who stop seeing things our way?"

Xander started waving his arms in the air.  "Ooh!  I know!  You lock them in the dungeon with me and Spike?"

Lilah turned to face Xander.  "Ah, I see you've become acquainted with Lindsey, then.  Doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut."

Xander smiled.  "We've had a blast.  He's tied with me for 2nd in the 'Angel's Hair is Bloody Stupid' game.  Spike's in first, of course, even after he quit for awhile when we wouldn't stop making fun of his hair."  Xander sighed.  "Lindsey and Spike are probably making up all kinds of insults while I'm not there.  Oh, wait.  You knocked Spike out with another tranq dart.  Now Lindsey's going to beat us both!"

"What?" Buffy cried.

"Don't worry, Buff.  Spike and I will catch up.  We've known him a lot longer."

"That's not what I mean and you know it!" Buffy argued.

"Oh, come on.  You know Angel's hair is bloody stupid!"

Lilah hid her smile behind her hand.  "Sedating the vampire was only a precaution.  Otherwise it would have been a bloodbath."

Buffy was confused for a moment, but recovered quickly.  "Yeah, you're right.  He would have snapped your necks like twigs if he had the chance."

"Ugh!" Xander cried.  "Mental images, Buffy!"

"The deal is simple, Buffy.  Either you work for us, or we kill your friends.  It won't bother us either way.  Spike's a vampire, and therefore of little use to us except as a hostage."  Lilah glanced at Xander and chuckled.  "And the Senior Partners have wanted Mr. Harris dead for years.  It's really a win-win situation for us."

"Wait-wait a second," Buffy interrupted before Lilah had a chance to go on.  "What do these 'Senior Partners' want with Xander?  Why would anyone important want Xander dead?"

"Hey!" Xander cried, offended.

"Oh, stop playing dumb with me," Lilah said.  "Hellmouth?  Zombies?"  At Buffy's blank look, Lilah growled in frustration.  "A knife named Katie?"

Buffy looked at Xander.  "Is this supposed to mean anything to me?"  Xander just shrugged, trying to look innocent. 

Lilah looked at Buffy disbelievingly.  "You can't be serious."  Her head snapped around, glaring accusingly at Xander.  "You didn't tell her?"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Xander denied adamantly.

Lilah's look became one of appraisal.  After a few moments a small smirk appeared.  "You're smarter than you look, Mr. Harris," she said finally.

"Thanks, I think," Xander mumbled.

"So, Ms. Summers, what's it going to be?"

"You can't make me do this!" Buffy yelled defiantly.

"Yes, we can," Lilah countered simply.

The guard pulled Xander out of the chair and manhandled him out the door.  Lilah stopped Buffy when she tried to follow.  "Try it and he dies right now."

Buffy pulled her arm out of Lilah's grasp.  "You are such a bitch."

Lilah shrugged.  "Yeah, I know."  She quickly became serious.  "You don't have a choice here, Buffy."

Buffy looked at the floor.  "There's always a choice.  It's just not always a choice that you like."

"You've got a day to think about it."  She handed Buffy a business card.  "Call with an answer."  Lilah opened the door.  "The receptionist will show you the way out.  I look forward to hearing from you."

*****

Spike groaned and opened his eyes, again.  This was becoming a habit.  He looked over at his now sole companion.  Lindsey was methodically checking the wall for cracks, and singing under his breath.

"Well, Lilah's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world…"

Spike chuckled softly, ignoring his pounding head.  "Find anything yet?" he asked the other man.

"I ain't found shit," Lindsey drawled.  "Feeling better?" he asked.

"I'll feel better when we get the whelp and get out of here."  Spike started pacing the length of the cell, growling low in his throat.

"I don't get you," Lindsey said as he watched the vampire.

"What's there not to get?" Spike asked testily.

"You don't have a soul, you work with the slayer.  You're sensitive, you hate it when people make fun of you.  You watch soap operas.  For God's sake, you're best friends with your food!"

"So.  What's your point?" Spike asked.

Lindsey took a calming breath.  "Is there anything else I need to know about?"

Spike thought for a moment.  "I'm in love with the Slayer."

Lindsey gaped.  "No way!  You're lying!"

Spike shrugged.  "Suit yourself.  Believe whatever you want, mate."

"I still don't get you and the kid, though," Lindsey continued.

Spike mentally braced himself for what he was about to do.  "He's my friend," he admitted.  

"I kind of got that from the bantering," Lindsey told him.

The two sat in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, both scanning the walls for possible escape routes.  Finally, Spike broke the silence.

"So, you want to find a way out of here?"

"Hell, yeah!"

*****

Cordelia knew something was wrong with Buffy the second she reentered the Hyperion.  She didn't knock after all.  Buffy didn't say a word.  She just sat on the lobby couch and put her head in her hands.  Cordelia, being the new and improved, caring and sensitive person she'd become after years of being Queen Bitch of Sunnydale, went to see what was wrong.

"Buffy?  What happened?"  She became even more alarmed when she heard the muffled sobbing.

Cordelia moved to sit beside Buffy on the couch.  "Oh, my god!  Did something happen?  Xander and Spike aren't…?"

"No!" Buffy exclaimed, preventing Cordelia from even finishing the sentence.  "They're fine, for now.  But they won't stay that way unless I help Wolfram & Hart."

"That's not going to happen," Angel said, coming into the room.  "They're evil.  They can't be trusted."

"I don't really have any choice right now!" Buffy screamed, her voice cracking.

Angel immediately looked guilty.  "What happened?" he asked gently.

"I met Lilah in one of the offices.  Xander was there too.  She told me Wolfram & Hart wanted me to work for them, and if I didn't they'd kill them both.  One of the guards threatened to stake Spike while I was there!"  Buffy paused for a breath, but then another thing struck her.  "And who are the Senior Partners?"

Angel blinked.  "What?"

"The Senior Partners.  Lilah said they've wanted to kill Xander for years.  Who are they?"

Angel paled, if that was possible for a vampire.  "She said the Senior Partners specifically?"  Buffy nodded.  Angel frowned.  "Why would they want to go after Xander?"

"That's what I tried to find out.  Lilah thought I'd know, but I have no idea, and I know everything Xander's done."

"Apparently not," Cordelia corrected.  "If the Senior Partners are holding a grudge, he must have done something, and to catch their attention it had to be something big."

Buffy leaned forward, her head in her hands.  "Then why can't I figure out what he did?"

"Well, he's not the most forthcoming guy in the world," Cordelia commented.

"What are you talking about?" Buffy asked.  "He's horrible at keeping secrets."

Angel frowned.  "He's better at it than you think."

"I just don't know what to do," Buffy sighed in defeat.

"Well, we have to rescue them," Angel said logically.  "Come into Wesley's office.  You can tell everyone what happened and we'll work from there."

"You guys go ahead.  I'll be there in a minute," Buffy muttered.

She watched as Angel and Cordelia walked off.  When they were out of sight, she pulled the Wolfram & Hart business card from her pocket and stared at it gravely.

*****

Xander threw one last defiant glare at the guard as he shoved him into a different room and locked him in.  Seeing he was going to be in there for awhile, he decided to look around.  "Lilah Morgan's office," he realized with a smile.  He proceeded to tear the place apart.

First he grabbed a few business cards, wrote some truly inventive phrases on them, and stuck them in the middle of the stack.  Next, he started taking pens from the holder on her desk.  He examined each critically before dismantling them and tossing the pieces over his shoulder.  He kept one pen and doodled nude figures in tantric positions all over her desk calendar.  With a chuckle, he pocketed the pen.  If he had time later he could pull a Cave Buffy and start drawing on the walls.

_Let's see…what do do next?_ Xander thought to himself.  I'm only going to be free for a little longer."  He dragged her chair out to the middle of the floor and started spinning around in circles.  A few minutes later, he was dizzy, but bored once again.  He spotted a bookshelf and headed toward it, an evil glint in his eye.

Lilah entered her office, still patting herself on the back for a blackmail well done.  All that changed the second she saw the state of her office.  She brought her desk chair to a halt, stopping Xander's second spinning spree.

He looked up at Lilah dizzily.  "Never read and spin at the same time," he advised her, holding up the book in his hand.  "I think I'm going to be sick."

Lilah glared at him.  "Don't you dare vomit in my office.  You've already trashed it."  She looked around her office, exasperated.  "Is there even a point to all this destruction?"

Xander shrugged.  "I was bored.  Is there a point to you having a copy of Interview With A Vampire in your desk, or do you just enjoy comedic irony?"

Lilah smirked.  "Big words coming from a relatively uneducated man," she remarked.

Xander gasped in mock outrage.  "Oh now you've done it.  You've hurt my feelings!"

"Cut the wisecracks, kid.  I want some answers."

"And of course I'll give them to you," Xander reassured her, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Lilah ignored the jibe.  "You're a very curious person, Xander Harris.  I'd like to get to know you better."

"Is this a come on line?" Xander interrupted.  "Because if it is, you need to get in line behind the insane vampire."

"Shut up, Xander.  As I was saying, you're curious, a contradiction of sorts.  You help your friends fight evil for years and support them through all their tough times, yet you keep secrets from them.  You're the goofy, comic relief that isn't taken seriously, but you're also the one who says the things no one else wants to hear.  You constantly make jokes to be the center of attention, but how much do your friends really know about you?"

"Is there a point to your little introspective moment?" Xander asked casually.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about," Lilah continued.  "The Xander Harris in the Wolfram & Hart files would be totally panicked by this point and willing to answer any of our questions.  He would have told all his friends about the Jack O'Toole incident the first chance he got."  She paused, waiting for Xander to make some comment.  He looked at her, then started reading Interview With A Vampire again.

Lilah snatched the book out of his hands.  "Why on Earth didn't you tell _anybody_ you saved the world?"

"Um…I forgot?"

Lilah yelled in frustration, kicking her desk.  Then she cursed at the pain that shot up her toes.  She looked to the heavens.  "What did I do?  Is my karma really that bad?"

"I thought you were asking me the questions," Xander observed.  He found himself on the receiving end of yet another of Lilah's icy glares.  He would have been intimidated, but he did date Cordelia after all.   He was about to throw a comment back, when something else demanded his attention.

Lilah stood, waiting for the witty retort she knew was coming.  Any second now.  Any second…ok, what demented tactic was the kid cooking up now?  He was staring at nothing.  His eyes weren't even focused on her.

"What the hell?" she muttered, watching him sit, still as a statue.  She walked up to him and kneeled down to his level.  He didn't react at all.

"Anybody in there?" she asked, waving a hand in front of his face.  No reaction.  "Ok, I think this is even stranger than…"

"Aaah!" Xander screamed, pushing back with both feet and sending the back of the chair crashing into the desk.  Lilah jumped up in shock, a small scream escaping her lips.

Two guards rushed in the door.  "We heard a commotion," the first guard explained.  "Are you all right, Ms. Morgan?"

"Yes, I'm fine," she assured the guard.

"Do you need any assistance with your guest?" the guard continued.

She looked over at Xander.  He sat, his good leg pulled up to his chest with his chin resting on his knee.  His face was pale, his eyes were wide with fear, and he was shivering despite the temperature of the room.  The drastic change shocked Lilah.  He looked so…vulnerable.  Lilah smiled.  Vulnerability had its uses.

"No, I can handle it," Lilah told the guard.  "I'll just need an escort back to the cells in a few minutes."

The guard nodded.  "We'll be right outside the doors," he informed her before leaving her alone with her "guest".

She approached the clearly frightened young man slowly.  She reminded Xander of a cat stalking a mouse.  "Xander, what just happened?"

"Nothing," Xander answered quickly.

"Something happened.  I'm going to find out what."

"I'm not going to tell you anything," Xander said, meeting her eyes for the first time since his episode.  His haunted look sent a chill up her spine.

That only made Lilah push harder.  "Why didn't you tell your friends about the zombies?"

"What does it matter?" Xander said through gritted teeth.

"It matters to me.  Why didn't you tell them?"

"They didn't need to know!" Xander yelled, standing abruptly.  The room spun, and Xander stumbled into Lilah, knocking her quite painfully into a corner of the desk.  However, her body did prevent him from falling all the way to the floor.  Lilah stifled her cry of pain.  She didn't want the guards to barge in and see her leaving heavily against her desk with a man on top of her.

"Dizzy?" she asked when he pushed himself off her.

Xander gave her a weak glare.  "I haven't eaten since yesterday," he defended.

Lilah held up her arms in surrender.  "Fair enough."  She rubbed her thigh where it had hit the desk.  "I'm going to have a bruise now."

"See me not caring."

Lilah sighed and looked at her watch.  Se didn't have time for this, and the kid wasn't giving anything up freely.  Maybe a few more days without food would loosen his tongue.  She had more than enough to ponder until then.

"I think I've had enough excitement for today.  We continue our little chat later."  She walked to the door and opened it.  "Shall we?" she asked, motioning for him to proceed her into the hallway.

With a long sigh, Xander exited the office.

_How do I get myself into these things?_ he wondered.


	20. A Stupid Idea

**Disclaimer:**

[Buffy wakes up suddenly from her unfortunate state of unconsciousness.  Something hideous is going on, and she is the butt of the joke.]

            Buffy:  What are you guys doing to me?

            Angelus:  Torture.  It's called torture.  Look it up in the dictionary.  Geez, and you made a 1470 or something like that on your SAT?

            Buffy:  Why?  I didn't do anything to you guys!

            Willow:  Shut up.  I'm not finished yet.  (she smiles as she puts the finishing touches of Buffy's outfit on)

            Buffy:  What the hell am I wearing?

            Willow:  Something from my season six wardrobe.

            Buffy:  Noooooooooooo!!!!!

Willow:  Hahaha…yes!  Kelley and Shelley decided I deserve some cooler clothes than the crap I've been wearing lately.  I mean, how much lace can one person fit on a shirt?  And there you are with your nonexistent funds and all those expensive shoes.  And I look like I fell outta the dumpster behind Goodwill!

            Xander:  Hey!  There is nothing wrong with those dumpsters!

            Buffy:  Anya, what are you doing to my hair?

            Anya:  (smiles) Making it poofy.

            Buffy:  Huh?

            Drusilla:  She's teasing it, dearie.

            Spike:  We're going for a cross between Carrot Top and Cindy Lauper.

            Buffy:  You mean…my hair?  It's…?  It's…?  (looks up into a conveniently placed mirror and screams in horror) Aaaaah!  

            Spike:  Yeah, that's right.  It's fuschia!

            Buffy:  But Joss would never let this happen to me.  Where are Kelley and Shelley?  

            Kelley:  (suddenly appears) You rang?

            Shelley:  Oh, Buffy!  Love the hair!

            Buffy:  Please!  I'll start being nice again!  Just change it back!

            Kelley:  (shrugs) Okay, it's done.  Just remember, get that stake outta your ass.  Live a little.  Have fun.

            Shelley:  And be nice to Spike!  And Xander!  And stop ignoring Dawn!  

            Buffy:  Why me?  Okay, fine.  I'll try.

            Kelley:  Good.  I'm going back to the cave.  Let's go Spike.

            [Kelley and everyone else except for Buffy disappear.  Echoes of Angelus laughter can be heard for awhile.]

            Buffy:  God dammit!  They left me again.

            [A bolt of lightning strikes right next to Buffy and she is knocked out once again.]

**A/N:  **Another update.  I know you're excited.  I'm pretty excited too.  Well, not really.  This is just mine and Shelley's procrastination time.  This is the last week of school and I am so happy.  We have about three more chapters to post after this, so enjoy!  And thanks to all our great reviewers.  Oh, and yes, Tigress Eve, we were quoting Spaceballs.  We're glad you caught it!  Congrats!!

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Xander was shoved once again into a room.  "Dammit!  Does this cast on my leg make everyone want to push me around?  If I still had a crutch, I'd swing it at you!"

"I think you've really scared them," Lindsey commented from where he stood.

"Yeah, I'm an intimidating guy," Xander retorted.

He heard Spike snicker behind him.

"Laugh it up, Blondie!  We need to get out of here.  Wolfram & Hart want Buffy to work for them."

"She said no…right?" Spike asked.

"Well…she has until tomorrow to decide."

"This should be a bloody easy decision!  What's taking her so long?"

"There's a small catch," Xander explained.

"What?"

"If she says no, we're dead.  Or in your case, dust."

"Oh."  Spike thought for a moment.  "Well we need to get the hell out of here fast.  Xander, take your shirt off."

"What?!"

"You heard me."  Xander turned around and noticed for the first time that both Spike and Lindsey were shirtless.

"What exactly have you guys been doing while I was gone?" Xander asked.  

"Trying to find a way to escape," Spike replied matter-of-factly.  "Get with the program, whelp!"

"By taking your shirts off?"

"We're making a rope to get out the window.  Duh!" Spike informed him, holding up the makeshift rope.  "With your shirt it should be long enough.  So hand it over.  We've got to rip it to shreds.  Your shirt's bigger than both of ours."

Xander grabbed his shirt possessively.  "You're not coming anywhere near my shirt!  There can be a different plan."

"No, we worked it out while you were making buddy-buddy with the lawyers.  You're going to life me up to that window when it gets dark.  I'm going to bend the bars enough so we can pull ourselves through.  Then we use the shirt rope to get to the ground.  It's a two or three story drop into some catacombs, but I think we can make it."  He looked at Lindsey.  "Why the hell are there catacombs in an office building in the middle of L.A.?"

Lindsey shrugged.  "Ambiance?"

"And how long did it take you to come up with that?" Xander asked.

"Well…you were gone for over an hour."

Xander started laughing.  "That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard!"

"Don't laugh at me.  I'm hungry!" Spike warned.  "I don't see you coming up with a better plan."

"We go out the front door," Xander suggested.

Spike looked at him like he'd gone insane.  "Yeah, right.  That'll work," Spike scoffed.  "And I suppose you just happen to have the key?"

Xander reached into his pocket.  "Yes, I do," he said, showing them the key.

Spike and Lindsey gaped at Xander.  "What?  How?  What?" they asked in shock.

Xander smiled.  "Vulnerability has its uses."

*****

Lilah sat down in front of her computer after getting her office cleaned.  She didn't think someone could do that much damage in such a short amount of time.  With a sigh, she looked at her computer screen.  

Wait a second.  That wasn't the same screen saver she had up before.

Her eyes widened as she watched the new message float across the screen.  "Watch your back," she read to herself.  "Well, he's got guts.  I'll give him that."

Still needing to send emails to her supervisors, she started moving her mouse around.  She gasped in horror at what happened next.

"Damn that kid!" she cried frantically.  

Xander had password protected her computer, and she had no clue what the password was!  She typed in the first word that popped into her head, but it wasn't the right one…of course.  She growled in frustration, determined to keep trying until she got the correct word.  She tried a second time, once again incorrect.  Mumbling a few choice curse words, she attempted a third word.  

Not only did she get it wrong this time, her computer decided to turn against her and ban her from usage for thirty minutes.  "Aaah!  I am so going to kill that kid!"

She got up, ready to break the end of her shoe off in his ass.  She'd go down there, unlock the door, and beat him within an inch of his life.  

She searched through her pockets.  _The key has to be around here somewhere_.  She knew it.  She'd had it when she'd met with the Slayer.  She'd put it in her front pocket of her blazer before talking to Xander.  They'd talked, he'd zoned out, then freaked out.  Then they'd fallen into the desk and…her face clouded in anger.

"Dammit!"  

She stormed out of her office, slamming the door behind her.

*****

Lindsey smiled.  "I like you, Xander.  You're evil."

"Yep," Xander answered.  He stripped off his gaudy Hawaiian shirt and threw it at Lindsey.  "I've got an undershirt on.  Wear this."

"My god!  Why?" Lindsey cried indignantly.

"You're going to kind of stand out running around without a shirt."

He held up the shirt.  "And this won't make me stand out?"  An idea formed.  "Hey, what about Spike?  He doesn't have a shirt either."

"But he's got his duster to wear," Xander rationalized.  "Besides, orange is a good color on you."

Lindsey cursed profusely but donned the shirt.  "You really are evil," he grumbled.

"Come on, we've got to get out of here," Xander commanded.  "Lilah's going to realize her key's gone and be pissed."  He grabbed Spike's arm and pushed him out the door.  "Plus, we've got to get to your girlfriend before she decides to join the Wolfram & Hart payroll."

"Yeah," Spike agreed.  "We've got to stop MY WHAT??"

Xander smirked.  "You heard me, fangless."

Spike smiled.  "My girlfriend…my GIRLfriend…MY girlfriend…my girlfriend…my…"

"Geez, Spike!" Xander yelled as he pushed Lindsey out the door and closed it behind them.  "Buffy didn't make such a big deal out of it.  She said it like you guys had been together forever."

"She said I was her boyfriend?" Spike asked in shock.  If possible, his smile got even bigger.  "She said I was her boyfriend."  He grabbed Xander.  "Isn't that great?" he asked excitedly.

"God, Spike, calm down," Xander said.  He sighed.  "Where's a tranq dart when you need one?"

Spike turned to Lindsey.  "See, I told you.  And you didn't believe me!"

"What is he talking about?" Lindsey asked.

Xander rolled his eyes.  "I'll explain later.  Right now we HAVE to get out of here."  He grabbed Spike by the arm.  "Act normal, at least for awhile," he ordered.  "We've got to get to Buffy before she does something she'll regret."

*****

Buffy glanced up and down the busy L.A. street.  None of her friends were in sight.  The coast was clear.  She could do what she had to do.

With one last glance behind her, she picked up the pay phone and dialed the 800 number on the card.

"Wolfram & Hart.  How may I direct your call?"

"Um…I'm Buffy Summers and…"

"Oh, hello, Ms. Summers.  We've been expecting your call.  I'll direct you.  Hold please."

Buffy was treated to some truly horrendous electronic music for a good three minutes before someone picked up the line.

"Hello, Ms. Summers.  You don't waste any time making decisions do you?"

"You have my friends.  I can't just let you kill them."

The voice on the other end chuckled.  "No, I guess you can't.  That's what we counted on.  Now, about your assignment."

"You do realize that if you hurt either of them, I'll kill all of you."

"Of course."

"Glad we understand each other.  Now, what do you want me to do?"

She listened closely as everything was explained to her.  "…and we'd like it done as soon as possible."

Buffy stood silently as the scope of what she was about to do nearly overwhelmed her.  After this, there would be no turning back.

"Ms. Summers?  Are you still there?  Do we have a deal?"

Buffy snapped painfully back to reality.  "Yeah, we do.  Now let my friends go."

"They'll be released after you bring confirmation of a job well done."

Buffy glared at the receiver.  "You double cross me, and there will be hell to pay."  She slammed the receiver down with brutal finality.

*****

Spike, Lindsey, and Xander made their way out of the dungeon they'd been kept in, trying to figure out which hallway led to their freedom.  Their little adventure would have been completely silent if it weren't for Spike who was head banging and humming to some crazy tune by a band called…Nerf Herder.

Xander rolled his eyes.  "Spike, be quiet!" he whispered loudly.  

Spike grinned evilly and ignored the cranky Scooby.  He was in a good mood for the first time in what seemed like decades, and nothing was going to ruin it.  

Xander gritted his teeth and led the way.  Pretty soon, Lindsey started humming along.  The tune was pretty catchy.

Xander whirled around.  "Guys!  We are trying to escape here!  We don't need theme music for this."

A few minutes later the three prisoners exited the front doors of Wolfram & Hart.

Lindsey frowned.  "That's it?  No resistance?  Well, that was…anticlimactic."

Xander elbowed Lindsey in the stomach.  "Shhh!  Do not jinx it!" he scolded.

"Fine.  I'll go steal us a car.  Be back in a second!" Lindsey said, running off.

Spike watched him until he was out of sight.  "Well, he's a strange bloke," Spike mumbled.  He turned toward Xander who was staring at the building intensely.  "Hey, whelp.  What's up?  Is this some kind of post traumatic stress thing?"

Xander narrowed his eyes.  "This building…" he began.

"What of it?" Spike queried.

"It's not the same one from either of my visions."

"Huh?  Either?  You had another one?"

"Yeah.  Back in Lilah's office.  It was kinda wiggy.  Made me kinda antsy to get out of there."

Spike looked thoughtful for a moment then shrugged it off.  "Let's go find Lindsey."  He smiled.  "We gotta go save…MY GIRLFRIEND!" he said triumphantly.

Xander groaned.  Spike snickered.  The two walked off.


	21. To The Rescue (Not So Much)

**Disclaimer:**

[Everyone except for Buffy is sitting in a circle in the cave.  It has been emptied of all its contents.  They are passing around a flashlight and telling ghost stories.]

Spike:  And I swear!  Her hair was out there HERE!  (indicates by holding his hands out to the sides of his head) It was a bloody scary moment!  Buffy never used a fork to get tin foil out of a light socket again.  (Shelley actually knows someone who tried this…ah, the joys of Kentucky)

Willow:  Uh…neat.  Who's next?  I've got nothin'.  Unless you wanna hear the story about the snakes coming outta my mouth when…

Everyone:  Nooooo!!!

Willow:  Okay, fine.  Someone think of something then.

Angelus:  I could tell you about when I had to live with Cordelia in her apartment.

Cordelia:  You do and you die.

Angelus:  Shutting up now.

Kelley:  (looks at Shelley and then at everyone else) I got one.  It's about this small town called Owensboro.  It's in Northwestern Kentucky.  We go to college there.  I don't know where to begin.  I wanna start by saying, you think you have it bad in your small town called Sunnydale which seems to constantly get bigger…I mean, you even have a river now, and a desert, and a college…okay, sorry about that rant.  Well, this is the story of Owensboro, Kentucky.  We don't even have a Starbucks!

[A collective gasp is heard and a shriek from someone…no!  It wasn't Angelus.  Looks around.]

Shelley:  We don't have a Waffle House either!  Or a White Castle.  And we only have ONE COMIC BOOK SHOP!

Xander:  What's a White Castle?

Shelley:  Never mind.  I guess it's a southern thing.

Xander:  That sucks about the comic book shop.

Shelley:  Yeah, I know.  But Jeff is real nice.

Kelley:  We got criticized for having a Wiccan ceremony on campus last year!  Do you know how many people told us we were going to hell?

Willow:  Ooooh!  I feel an urge to create some evil birds!

[A shriek is heard in the cave.  No!  It wasn't Angelus!  No way!  Looks around.]

Spike:  It doesn't have me either, pet.

Kelley: (shakes head) Yeah, that's true.  It does have some nice graveyards from what Shelley says, although I have never seen one of those in Owensboro either.  Our crime rate is like…nothing.  Which is kinda strange for a town with 50,000 people.

Giles:  Sounds somewhat Hellmouthy to me.

Shelley:  Gee, I wonder.  Maybe there is a Hellmouth in Owensboro.

Kelley:  Actually, Shelley, Owensboro is most commonly referred to as the Pit of Hell.

[Everyone shudders.]

Shelley:  Oh, but we do have a Wal-Mart!  My hometown doesn't have a Wal-Mart.  The closest one is thirty minutes away!

Xander:  Where do you live?  The 7th Circle of Hell?

Kelley:  How'd you guess?

Anya:  This is almost as scary as a bunny attack!!!

Kelley:  Well, I come from Nashville, Country Music Capital of the World!

[A shriek is heard.  No!  It wasn't Spike.  Looks around.]

Kelley:  Yeah, I'm the same way.  I hate country music.

Xander:  Ah, the music of pain.

Willow:  I'm so glad that Joss owns us.  He would never make the Hellmouth THAT scary!  Well, maybe he will now.  I think I just jinxed us.

[A shriek is heard.  No!  It wasn't Buffy!  That's cuz she isn't in the cave!  Looks around.]

Anya:  Could we get on with the story now?  Please?  These disclaimers are starting to become repetitive and kind of annoying.

Kelley and Shelley:  (shrug) Yup, but we don't want to get sued cuz we're poor college students.

**A/N:**  Almost finished!  Just like the semester.  Finals start Wednesday.  Someone shoot us now!  Kelley and Shelley share everything…brains and this god-awful cold they've both seemed to catch at the same time.  So, we decided to update.  Do you like how we used the third person right there?  Heh.  No?  Okay.  We'd like to announce that there will be a third story as we can't get everything into this story.  The third one should be the last one of the series…even if we have to make it huge.  We have other projects we're working on now too.  However, it will be a little while before it comes out…summer break and all.  You can look for this story sometime around August or September.  It will be called "At My Signal, Unleash Hell" (Gladiator reference…Kelley's favorite movie).  Sorry guys!  Hope you don't hate us!  Oh, and Heavenly Slayer!  We still remember you!  How could we forget you?  You totally rock, girl!  Enjoy the chapter peeps!  Booyah!  **coughs up a lung due to the retarded cold**

***************************************************************************************************

Angel and a small army from both Sunnydale and L.A. walked toward the door with a commanding presence.  He motioned for them to stop with his arm.

"On the count of three…"

"What are you gonna do on three?" Dawn asked.

Angel rolled his eyes.  "Isn't it kind of obvious?"

"Are we all gonna do the Care Bear stare on the door?" Dawn asked sarcastically.

"Who let her come?" Angel asked in irritation.

"Drusilla," Dawn replied with a smile.

"Figures," Angel mumbled.

"Oh bite me," Dawn muttered under her breath.

Drusilla giggled.

"Don't tempt me," Angel answered.  He turned back to the door and Dawn stuck her tongue out at him.  

"One…two…three!"  He kicked the door mightily.  "Ow!  What the hell?"  He tried kicking the door again and a bolt of pain shot up his leg.  "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" he screamed, slipping into his Irish dialect.  "What is this door made of?"

"Titanium," came a voice as the door opened.

"Did we make a wrong turn somewhere?" Willow asked.

"Nice to see you finally got the kind of office you deserve, Lilah," Angel retorted.

"Funny.  Your friends escaped.  They've been gone for at least a half an hour," Lilah replied.  "That stupid kid."

"Escaped?" Tara exclaimed.  "Well good for them.  Although this was a wasted trip."

"Tara, how nice to see you," Lilah said.

"If they escaped, why are you still here, you bitch?" Tara spat.

Willow gasped.  Gunn smiled.  Even Angel looked a little taken aback.

"It's that stupid Harris kid!  First the Senior Partners go ape shit over him…"

"Why?" Cordelia interrupeted.

"Like I'd tell you," Lilah shot back.  "Then, he trashes my office.  He broke all my pens, drew nude figures on my desk calendar, dumped all my books off the book shelf, and locked me out of my computer.  I just came down here to get the fucking password from him!"

Willow smiled.  "I knew he didn't look over my shoulder just to see my cleavage in high school."

"Xander knows how to work a computer?" Angel asked in shock.

"That kid is one pain in my ass," Lilah commented.

"That's my White Knight," Drusilla cooed.

"Go Xander!" Dawn cheered.

"He even left me a note," Lilah said, gesturing toward the far wall.

Drusilla walked in, growling at Lilah as she went past her, and read the message.  

"Well, it's been fun, but we got hungry.  Thanks for the key.  Love: Xander, Spike, and Lindsey.  P.S.  Listen to your computer."

"Lindsey?" Angel asked.

"Oooh!  The lawyer's back!" Drusilla cried.

"I hate Lindsey," Angel muttered.

"Listen to your computer?" Wesley wondered aloud.

"Watch your back, dearie.  My sweet is right," Drusilla said, swaying back and forth.

"What?" Lilah asked in confusion.

"Someone wants to kill you," Drusilla sing-songed.

"Someone always wants to kill me," Lilah replied.

"Listen to my sweet and you'll live…maybe," Drusilla warned.

Lilah quirked an eyebrow.  "Whatever."  She glanced at Angel's army.  "What are you guys still doing here?  Go back to the hotel.  Tell the Slayer she's off the hook."

"Too late," Drusilla replied cryptically.

Tara glanced at Drusilla questioningly.  "What?"

Drusilla didn't respond.  Tara shook her head.  Everyone turned around semi-defeatedly and left.

*****

Buffy looked up at the building and then checked the address she had written down on the piece of paper in her hand.  Yep, this was the place.  

She stared back up at the expensive-looking apartment buildings.  With a dreaded sigh, she walked in the door, carefully concealing the knife in her jacket.

She took the elevator to the correct floor and knocked on the door.  No one answered.

"Great," she mumbled.  "Not home."

She turned the door knob roughly and broke the lock, but left the door intact.  She walked inside and closed the door behind her.

*****

Lilah walked out of the parking garage across from her place.  She really needed a drink or six after the kind of day she had. 

She trudged to the door of the building, letting herself in.  She got in the elevator and leaned against the wall.  It was days like this that she questioned working for Wolfram & Hart…almost.

The elevator dinged and she walked off.  _Could this day get any worse?_ she asked herself as she headed for her door.  

It was then that she noticed the lock on her door knob was broken.

*****

Spike, Xander, and Lindsey all sat comfortably in their newly stolen car.  After fighting over what radio station to listen to, they all agreed to just listen to whatever music was playing in their heads.

"If I had known it was going to take you that long to steal a car, I would have done it myself," Spike said to Lindsey.

"Oh, like you could have done any better," Lindsey replied.

"Dawn is better at stealing a car than you are," Xander retorted.

"Actually, the Nibblet is better at stealing cars than most people."

"Shut up," Lindsey drawled.

"What building is that?" Xander asked, grabbing Lindsey's arm.

"It's an apartment building.  Why?"

"We need to go there," Xander said.

"When?" Lindsey asked.

"Now!" Xander replied.

"What are you bloody talking about, whelp?"

"We need to go there," Xander reiterated.

"Why?" Spike asked, trying to be patient.

"Because of something I heard…in Lilah's office," he said pointedly.

"Why didn't you say so?" Spike asked.

They did a U-turn in the middle of the road.  The car screeched to a halt in front of the building and Xander practically dragged Spike and Lindsey from the car (which is kinda funny since he still has a cast on his leg).

"Where's the fire?" Lindsey asked.

"We have to hurry!" Xander said frantically.

"Where are we going?" Spike asked. 

Xander rolled his eyes and pointed.  "Up there."

"Why?" Lindsey asked.

"Buffy's about to do something really stupid," Xander answered.

*****

Lilah pushed her apartment door open.  She noticed Buffy sitting on her couch and sighed.

"Yeah, I was surprised too," Buffy said.

"It's kind of ironic," Lilah began.  "Wolfram & Hart had me hire the person that is going to kill me."

"Funny in a Machiavellian sort of way," Buffy commented.

"I guess the Harris kid was right."

"About what?" Buffy asked.

"He told me to watch my back," Lilah said.

Any further conversation was stopped by voices screaming from down the hallway.

"Buffy, don't do it!"

Buffy blinked a few times.  "Xander?"  She ran to the door.

"Oh yeah, they escaped by the way," she muttered, walking to the counter and grabbing the largest bottle of vodka she had.

Buffy let out a sigh of relief.  She was about to run to the three men, but stopped half way when she realized she didn't know one of them.  She grinned.  "You must be Lindsey."  She held out her hand.  "I'm Buffy.  Nice you meet you."

He shook her hand quickly, noting her desparation to get to her friends.  She ran to Xander and Spike, hugging them both at once.  After a moment, she let go of them, stepped back, and slapped them both.

"Ow!" they both whined in unison.

"You guys scared me to death!" she cried, tears running down her cheeks.  "I was ready to kill someone for you guys!"

Spike wrapped his arms around the upset slayer.  "It's all right, luv.  You're okay.  We're okay.  Everything turned out just fine.  It was kind of a let down really."

Buffy snorted.  "Not for me, it wasn't."

"Let's get back to Sunnydale before Spike's Passions tape fills up."

"Actually, everyone's at the Hyperion," Buffy admitted.

"Oh," Spike said.  "Wanna join us, Lindsey?"

Lindsey grinned.  "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Spike, Buffy, and Lindsey walked off.  

Xander turned around, noticing Lilah was standing in her doorway.  "Told you," he said.  "Oh yeah…the password is Zeppo."  With a little wave to the lawyer, he followed his friends down the hall.

Lilah smiled.  She went back inside and sat down on her couch.  "How the hell did he know to come here?" she asked herself.  "One more question to ponder."


	22. Bye, Bob!

**Disclaimer:**

            [Buffy slowly wakes up and sees everyone standing over her.  She scowls and pushes herself up.]

            Buffy:  Where am I now, guys?

            Willow:  You're in the cave, Buffy.

            Buffy:  Really?  I'm actually in the cave?  You guys aren't just messing with my head?

            Giles:  No, Buffy.  We're not.

            Buffy:  Finally!  I've been dying to see what's in here.

            Angelus:  That can be arranged.

            Cordelia:  (warning tone) Angelus…

            Angelus:  Sorry.

            Buffy:  (looking around) Well, this doesn't seem like much.

            Spike:  That's cuz we've already cleaned up the place.

            Buffy:  Why?

            Anya:  Because the story is almost over.  There is only one more chapter after this.  Then we get to go home.

            Buffy:  What?

            Anya:  Because the story is almost over.  There is only one more chapter after…

            Buffy:  I heard you the first time!  

            Anya:  Then why did you ask again?

            Buffy:  I was in a state of shock!  It was a rhetorical question!

            Spike:  Well keep your big mouth shut next time.

            Kelley:  Joss owns all.  Yada yada yada…

            Shelley:  Yeah, what she said.

            Buffy:  Guys, what was in the cave before you cleaned it out?

            Spike:  (shrugs) Just stuff.

            Buffy:  What kind of stuff?

            Kelley:  Toys…

            Shelley:  Video games…

            Xander:  Junk food…

            Spike:  You know…stuff.

            Buffy:  Did everyone see the cave but me?

            [Everyone nods to the slayer.]

            Buffy:  Dammit!  My life sucks.

**A/N:**  This is it everyone!  After this, all we have is the epilogue!  Hope you've enjoyed our insane ride.  Thanks to all our wonderful reviewers!  We now have 101 reviews…quite a bit more than what we got for our last story.  Maybe we can get more for the sequel to this one.  Just a hope.  We hope you like this chapter.  Yeah, this story didn't have a really big climax or anything suspenseful.  Everything big should happen in the next story…when all hell breaks loose.  Hence the reason for the title (At My Signal, Unleash Hell).  Hopefully, this will not be the end of all our favorite characters.  Bwahahahaha!!

****************************************************************************************************

The groups from Sunnydale and L.A. walked back into the Hyperion somewhat tired.

"Well, it looks as though Operation Rescue the Annoyances was a waste of time," Cordelia commented.  "So much for that redemption you were hoping for, Angel."

Angel glared.  "I should get redemption just for having to consider rescuing Spike, Xander…and…Lindsey apparently," he said with a look of disgust on his face.

"So, uh, where are they?" Fred asked.

Everyone looked around once they realized Xander, Spike, and Buffy were missing.

"Don't you think we should try to find them?" Tara asked.

"No!  There is no need to have Spike or Xander here anytime soon," Angel replied.  "Maybe they got lost," he added under his breath.

"Someone's never getting redemption with talk like that," Dawn spoke loudly.

Angel glared at the teenager.

"What?  Not able to argue?" Dawn egged on.

"Be quiet, Dawn," Angel warned.  She'd been bothering him ever since they arrived in L.A.

"Oh, now I'm scared!" Dawn cried in mock horror.

"Get a life, kid," Angel retorted.

"I am not a kid!" Dawn yelled back.  "Have you forgotten that I'm like a billion years older than you or something?"

"Oh, please.  That means nothing to me.  You _look_ like a kid."

"Well…at least I don't have stupid hair!"

"My hair is not stupid!"

"It is sooooo stupid.  It sticks straight up!"

"You better watch it, little girl," Angel warned.

"I'm telling Buffy you threatened me!"

Everyone watched in amusement and annoyance as Angel and Dawn bickered.  It was like watching a ping pong match.

"You do that, Dawn," Angel said.  "I'm not the one who started this!"

"Oh yes you are!  You started it!"

"I did not!"

"Yes you did!" Dawn cried.  "You and your stupid hair!"

"_You_ started it!  And for the last time, I DO NOT have stupid hair!"

Dawn sauntered over to the bird cage and smiled ruefully.  "Spike told me about your little phobia, Angel."

"You wouldn't!" Angel cried.

"Wanna bet?" she taunted, raising her hand to the door of the bird cage.

Gunn widened his eyes in horror at the look on Angel's face.  "Oh, now you've done it!" he hollered as Angel took off after Dawn.

Dawn squealed and ran away from the bird cage.  Angel chased after her.

"Bring it on, Soul Boy!" Dawn hollered even though she continued to run from the vampire.

"I've never seen anything like this," Willow commented to the rest of the group who was watching the event, mouths agape.  They watched as Dawn hid behind the counter until Angel jumped over it.  He chased her around the couch a few times.  Dawn squealed in terror while Angel chased her with a smile on his face.

"Should we…do something?" Fred asked nervously.

"No, but they better not…" Something fell to the ground and shattered.  Cordelia flinched.  "…break anything."

The chase continued, and it was obvious to everyone that Angel was not running at full speed.  Another squeal was heard from Dawn.  Angel was actually…laughing.

"Buffy is so going to kill you!" Dawn screamed.

At that time, Buffy, Spike, Xander, and Lindsey entered the hotel.  They stopped immediately when they saw what was going on.  Xander scratched his head.  Spike let out a cheer for Dawn.  Buffy watched in confusion.

"What is going on?" Buffy asked.

"I…don't really know," Wesley replied.

"Angel so better have the money to repair that vase he and Dawn broke," Cordelia commented.

"Buffy!" Dawn cried out breathlessly.  "Save me!"

Finally, Angel caught Dawn and grabbed hold of her.  Dawn screamed.

"Who has the stupid hair now, huh?" Angel asked while giving Dawn a noogie.  "Who has the stupid hair?  Tell me.  Who is it?"

"You do!" Dawn managed between laughs.  Angel ran his hand as fast as he could over Dawn's head, making her hair messy as possible.

"Who did you say, Dawn?"

"Aaaaaah!" Dawn cried.  "Stop it!"

"Not until you admit you have stupid hair!"

"Neverrrrrrr!" Dawn replied.

Angel found a cold cup of coffee and held it over Dawn's head.  "Who has stupid hair?"

Dawn surrendered.  "I do!  I do!"

Angel laughed and placed the cup back on the counter.  He let go of her and she immediately started fixing her hair back.

"Ok, did we just enter the Twilight Zone or something?" Xander asked.

Drusilla clapped gleefully.  "My White Knight!"  She ran up and gave him a hug.  "I was so worried about you, my sweet."

Xander was nervous at first about Drusilla being away from her violence-free room back in Sunnydale.  He tentatively placed an arm around her shoulders and patted her back.  Then he mentally slapped himself and put his other arm around her too.

"Miss Edith missed you," Drusilla cooed.  Xander's face reddened when he heard what Miss Edith had to say.  Drusilla gasped.  "Oh!  Now I have to punish her again.  She says such naughty thing when you're around!"

"I…can't imagine why," Xander said, embarrassed because everyone was staring at him.

"Oh, please do share with the rest of us," Spike suggested.

"NO!" Buffy, Xander, Angel, Cordelia, Willow, and Giles all screamed in unison.

"Bugger," Spike said with a pout.

Xander continued to hug the vampire who was keeping a tight grasp on him.

The group watched in silence until Dawn broke it.

"Buffy, Angel threatened me."

"Hey!" Angel called.

"Why?" Buffy asked.

"She made fun of Angel's over-gelled, spikey hair," Anya replied.

Angel and Spike glared at the ex-demon.  

"I resent that," Spike said.  "Can't you find another adjective aside from spikey?"

Anya shrugged.

"Why is he here?" Angel asked, finally noticing Lindsey standing behind everyone else.

Everyone turned to look at the intruder.

"Spike invited me," Lindsey said with a smile.  

"He would," Angel said quietly.  He looked at Lindsey.  "Well, you can go away now."

"Actually, you have something of mine and I want it back," Lindsey stated.

"And what would that be?" Angel asked.

"Frankenfurter," Lindsey answered.

"What?  Who?" Giles asked.

"Frankenfurter," he repeated.  "Well, actually, you know him as Bob."

Angel gaped.  "That…thing is yours?"

Lindsey nodded with an evil grin.

"See?  I told you the creature was evil!" Angel exclaimed.  "Look at who owns him."

"For the last time, Angel, that bird is not evil!" Cordelia cried.

"Hello!  Yes it is!  Remember?  It chanted to me in Latin," Angel said.

"I'm sure you're exaggerating," Cordelia replied.

"Actually, he's telling the truth.  Frankenfurter is evil.  I bought him from the wife of one of the Senior Partners."

"Told you," Angel said to Cordelia then whipped his head back to Lindsey.  "What?"

"Oh, come on, Peaches.  Even I knew he was evil.  Figured it out the second the two ladies brought him in here.  That's what made hiding Angelus' hair gel in there so much fun."  Spike rolled his eyes.  "Geez!  It even says 'Warning: Evil Parrot' on the floor of its cage!"

"How come it only spoke Latin to Angel then?" Wesley questioned.

"Easy.  He hates Angel," Lindsey answered.

"Why?" Fred asked.

"Cuz I trained him to.  Of course, if I'd known that Angel was terrified of birds, I never would have bothered training Frankie to hate him.  It still would have been just as interesting."

"Hot dog, you're a genius!" Xander said with a smile.

"So, how'd you two get your hands on him?" Angel asked Cordelia and Fred.

"He was trying to sell us insurance," Fred said.

"Oh, you weren't joking that time," Angel replied.

"But, where did you get him?"

"Well, if you must know," Cordelia began, "someone standing….outside Wolfram & Hart…sold him to us.  We thought the little guy was cute."

"Cute?" Angel cried.  "No!  Not cute…evil!"

"Did you see them trying to sell the bird to anyone else?" Wesley asked.

"Well, no," Cordelia half-grinned.  "Actually, the guy…approached us."

Angel smacked his forehead.  "And that didn't seem suspicious to you?"

Cordelia pushed her hair behind her ear.  "Well…no.  Not at the time!"

"Why would Wolfram & Hart want to give us Lindsey's parrot though?" Wesley asked.

"The little bird is supposed to tell secrets to the evil lawyers," Drusilla answered.

"The bird's a spy?" Gunn asked.  He chuckled.

"Well, technically, he's supposed to be a spy.  That is what was intended, but he was actually a bird that spied on Wolfram & Hart," Lindsey admitted.

"So?  What's your point?" Angel asked.

"My point is that selling the bird for their benefit was basically pointless."

"Why?" Wesley asked.

"Because…he may hate Angel, but he hates Wolfram & Hart even more," Lindsey stated.

"He does?" Cordelia asked.  "Why?"

"I trained him to.  I mean, I hate Wolfram & Hart, so I figured Frankie should too."

"You hate Wolfram & Hart that much?"  Wesley narrowed his eyes.  "Why?"

Lindsey sighed, tired of the "why" questions.  "Because I got tired of the way they did things.  Now, stop asking me questions.  If you don't mind, I'll just take my bird and go.  Any objections?"

"Nope," Angel replied quickly.  "Please…go.  And take your evil creature with you."

Lindsey grabbed the bird cage and smiled.  "So, how you been, Frankie?"

The bird squawked.  "I hate Angel."  Squawk.

Lindsey laughed.  "Glad to hear it."

"You've got to come see us again some time in Sunnyhell, mate," Spike said.  "You are a bloody genius."

"Thanks."  He nodded.  "I gotta go back at some point and get my car anyway."

"See ya, Lindsey," Xander said.

Lindsey grinned.  "I'll find you when I'm in town.  Later guys."  He waved and walked out the door.

"Bye, Lindsey," Spike said once more after the door was closed.  "Man, I'm sure going to miss him," Spike said with a sniffle.  "He's such a…neat guy," he choked out.

Xander patted Spike on the back.  "There there, Spike."  He blinked his eyes a few times.  "We'll see him again."

"Really?  You mean it?" Spike asked.

"Yeah, he'll be back," Xander replied.

"Oh my god!" Angel exclaimed.  "I'm not hearing this!  He's the bad guy!"

"Hey!  Don't say that!" Spike warned.

Buffy bit her lip to keep from laughing.  "Oh, Spike.  It'll be okay.  Really."

"Thanks, Slayer."

"Anytime, Spike."

"Well, at least you don't have to work for Wolfram & Hart now," Willow said.

"Yeah.  Good thing," Buffy said with a nervous laugh.

"I wonder what they wanted you to do for them," Dawn said.

"Oh, who cares now?" Spike asked.  "What's important is that we're all safe now."

"Yeah.  Right," Cordelia said with a curious glance.  "I still want to know why the Senior Partners want you dead, Xander."

Xander shrugged.  "I don't know.  Probably mistook me for someone else…or something like that."

"Mm-hmm," Cordelia replied, not believing him.

"Man, I'm starving," Xander said, changing the subject quickly.  "Anyone else?"

Everyone nodded.

"Spike, will you get me something from the kitchen?  I'm really tired," Buffy said with a grin.

Spike smirked.  "As you wish."  He bowed and turned around.  "Vampboy, I'm lazy.  Do everything for me!"

"Spike!"  Buffy tackled the vampire from behind.  

Spike laughed.  "Vampboy, don't make fun of me!"  He turned over and smiled at the Slayer.

Buffy straddled him.  "Spike, you're a pig."

"Oink oink, Slayer."

Buffy glared.  "Don't make me hurt you."

"Sounds like fun, pet."

She rolled her eyes, then leaned forward, planting a big kiss on Spike's lips.  She pulled back and looked him in the eyes.  "Don't ever scare me again like that.  Understand me?  No more getting kidnapped."

"Aw, Slayer.  I'm glad you care so much."

"I'm serious.  Don't ever leave me, Spike."

Spike touched the side of Buffy's face.  He frowned.  "I haven't planned on it, Buffy."

"Good."  She leaned forward and kissed him again.  He put his arms around her and held her tightly.

"What the hell?" Willow asked.  "When did this happen?  They're kissing."

"Yes, Willow, they are," Anya replied.  "They might even start copulating too.  Be quiet so we can watch."

Spike and Buffy pulled apart at that moment and stood up quickly.  Giles took off his glasses and wiped them.

"My word, Anya.  There's an image I could have easily lived without."

Anya pouted.  "Please, go back to your kissing.  Don't let us stop you."

"Hush, Anya!" Giles cried.

"Geez!  Sorry.  Someone's cranky."

"I still want to know why I'm the only one that seems surprised by this Spike-Buffy…thing," Willow said.

"Oh, I'm surprised too," Giles replied.

"It's not a thing, Willow," Buffy snapped.

"Sorry," Willow murmured.

"Food.  Now," Xander said.

Everyone headed towards the kitchen.

"Vampboy, gimme a piggy back ride," Buffy ordered.

"As you wish, luv."

Buffy jumped on Spike's back and gave him a big hug around his neck.

Drusilla smiled.  She looked at Xander.  "Camelot is a silly place."

Xander nodded in agreement.


	23. Grrr...Argh...

**Disclaimer:**

            [Everyone is gathered in a circle, ready to hand out momentos.]

            Kelley:  Guys, it's been great.  (looks at Spike) Really great.  Heh heh heh.

Shelley:  Sadly, we have to go now.  You all have to return to Sunnydale or L.A.  We have to go study for our last finals.  Well, not so much in our case since we don't really study…ever.  It's amazing that we're even passing our classes because…

Kelley:  Shelley!  Enough with the babble.  More leaving.  Less talk.  

Willow:  Do you guys really have to go?

Kelley:  Don't worry.

Shelley:  We'll be back.  There will be more stories after all.

Anya:  Oh good.

Buffy:  Why are you still here?

Kelley:  Because we have to give you guys gifts!!!

[Everyone perks up at the offering of presents.]

Shelley:  First, we need to do this.  (pulls glass ball from pocket) Sorry, we can't leave things like this. (mumbles some Romanian)

Angel:  Crap!  Does this mean I have to lose the leather pants?

Cordelia:  NO!  You better not!

Angel:  (with angsty look) Buffy, I'm so sorry for the things I did to you while I was Angelus.

Buffy:  Are you really, Angel?

Angel:  Uh…(shrugs) No, not really.  You're a bitch no matter how you look at it.

[Buffy flips Angel off.]

Kelley:  Drusilla, you can keep all the funny umbrellas.

Drusilla:  Oh goody.  Can I have the boy too? (she points at Xander)

Shelley:  No.  At least not in the Jossverse.

Drusilla:  Bugger.

Shelley:  Willow, here is an outfit that has no lace at all.  And it isn't pink either.

Willow:  I LOVE YOU GUYS!

Kelley:  Anya, here's some carved coconuts.  You can sell them and make a nice profit.

Anya:  Ooooh!  They look like fertility gods!

            Shelley:  Giles, here is your fixed coconut radio.  We're sorry the psycho lady smashed it.  She's cool though.

            Giles:  Good times.

Kelley:  Cordelia, we already gave you Angelus.  To keep him in line, we're going to make sure you keep all his hair gel under lock and key.  If he's bad, he'll have to live with bed hair.

Cordelia:  (cackles evilly) Thanks.

Shelley:  Buffy, you can have the little collar on my cap and gown.  I don't want it.

Buffy:  That's all?

Kelley:  Well, maybe we'll give you a heart or something.  We were gonna give you the stick stuck up your ass, but you never got it out.  Now you better start treating Spike better or we may just have to kidnap you again.  Or better yet, leave you behind.

[Buffy glares at Kelley and sulks away.]

Shelley:  Xander, here are all the toys we played with so you can remember me.  Oh, and here's my phone number in case you come into the real world.  (hands him a slip of paper)

Xander:  Woohoo!  (hugs Shelley and almost cracks a few of her ribs)

Kelley:  Here's a copy of our stories.  Now you can make fun of Angel all you want.  There is also a good one where we get really mad at Buffy for beating you up in the alley by the police station.  We'll send you the new ones.  We love you, Spike!!!  Oh, and here's a momento from the cave.  Hehehe.  (winks)

Spike:  (looks at the momento)  Hehe, neat.

Shelley:  (elbows Kelley in the ribs) I knew you didn't only thumb wrestle in the cave.

Kelley:  (glares at Shelley) And you DIDN'T just build sand castles!

Shelley:  That's why I gave him ALL the toys!

Kelley:  Okay, we better go now.  (tears up) Joss has complete usage of you guys again!  We were just borrowing you.

[Spike runs to Kelley and pulls her into a passionate embrace…ah yeah, porno tongue.]

Everyone else:  Eeeew!!!!

Kelley:  Now I can die happily!  Not that I want to die or anything.  

Shelley:  Okay, now.  Let's go.  (snaps fingers and everyone from both shows disappear) Well, this sucks.  Let's go study.

Kelley:  (sighs) Okay, let's go I guess.  

**A/N:**  Well, here it is.  The FINAL chapter, better known as the infamous epilogue that sets you up for the sequel.  Bwahahahah!  Don't worry, we aren't leaving you with too much of a cliffhanger.  Watch out for a new little story (that isn't part of this series) to appear in what will hopefully be sometime before Wednesday…if we ever finish writing it.  We'll give you a little hint.  We have a new addiction.  Badfics.  This one is way out there in left field and it's more stupid than bad.  But, oh well.  Our brains don't work during finals.  Kinda sucks for our quickly declining GPAs.  Shelley's getting out of here in a few days though.  Damn her!!!  Okay, please send many new reviews!  We'll be sooooooo happy!  We watched the Wedding Singer earlier tonight and we now have our Billy Idol fix.  Yeah!  Not that has anything to do with anything, but we thought we'd share the pointless information.

***********************************************************************************************************

"AAAAHHH!"

Angel rushed to Cordelia's side.  "Cordy, what is it?  Is it a vision?"

Cordy looked up at Angel.  "Oh, it's a vision all right."  She leaned against Angel and began laughing.

Now Angel was really confused.  "Why are you laughing?"

She bit her lip, desperately holding in her giggles.  "I'll be right back."  She half-walked, half-stumbled to the open door.  "Guys, get in here.  Bring a camera!  Preferably Polaroid!"  She looked at Angel and burst out laughing again.

Angel looked down at himself.  Shoes on correct feet, check.  Pants pressed, check.  Fly zipped, yep.  Silk shirt matches ensemble, check.  He patted his hair experimentally.  It felt okay.  He wished he could look in a mirror.  "Damn you, Darla!" he cried silently.

Willow entered the room, camera in hand.  She spotted Angel and stopped in her tracks.

"Oh goddess," she whispered.

Everyone else stumbled into the room.  They stared, mouths hanging open.  Dawn was the first to recover.

"Who has the stupid hair now, Lucky Charms?" she mocked.

Angel's hand automatically went up to his hair protectively.  "What is it?  What's wrong with my hair?  It can't be that bad, right?  It still feels the same."

"It still stands straight up," Willow supplied.

Angel looked from person to person suspiciously.  Willow and Tara were trying to hide their grins behind their hands.  Wesley, Cordelia, and Gunn were smiling much more openly.  Buffy was biting her knuckles to keep the laughter from escaping.  Fred was actually smirking at him.  But where were Spike and Xander?  Suddenly, Angel was very afraid.

**Flash!  Flash!**

**Flash!  Flash**!

"What the hell?"

The sudden flashing of the Polaroid camera Spike held started a chain reaction.  When it ended several minutes later Angel was temporarily blinded.  Blinking rapidly, he willed the spots out of his vision.  Many of his friends were giggling openly now.  Spike and Xander were waving the quickly drying photos and looking entirely too innocent.  Angel looked at the group frantically.  Good God!  What was wrong?  And why was everyone finding it so amusing?

"Someone better tell me what's so damn funny, or you're all going to have to learn how to drive without arms!"

"Give it a minute, Peaches," Spike drawled.  "The photo's almost developed."  He looked at the picture in his hand.  The smile on his face at the sight of it was utterly wicked.

"Here ya go, Poofter," Spike said, holding out the picture.  Angel snatched it from his hand.  "Might be a little shocking," he added with a smirk.

Years later, the witnesses to this occurrence would tell their grandchildren of the once in a millennium happening.  These few individuals witnessed a singular event.  They heard Angelus, Scourge of Europe, ensouled Champion for the Powers that Be scream like a girl and faint.

Buffy punched Spike in the gut, making him cough and gasp for unnecessary breath.

"What the bloody hell did you do that for, Slayer?"

She pointed at Angel.  "I know you had something to do with this!"

"So I get abused like this?"

"It would be worse if it wasn't so funny," Buffy argued.  "Er…I mean that was mean, really mean."  She glared at him accusingly.  "You're a meanie."

Spike gasped melodramatically, clutching at his chest.  "Oh, how can I go on when you say such things?"  He fell to the ground.  "I'm a meanie!  Someone put me out of my misery!"

She looked down at him and grinned.  "Don't tempt me."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Buff," Xander commented.  "Someone did him a favor.  I think that bleached blonde hair really brings out his tan."

*****

Lilah stormed into her office.  Her superior Linwood was there waiting for her.

"You son of a bitch!  You set me up!  You had better have a damn good reason, or I might just be getting a promotion a few years ahead of schedule."

"Honestly, Lilah, I don't know what you're complaining about," Linwood spoke mildly.  "You're alive and well, and have provided us with a wonderful sample of Ms. Summers in action."

"You used me as bait!" Lilah sputtered.  "And when was I going to be informed of this plan?"

"When we deemed it necessary," Linwood replied coolly.  "Now, the test is over.  The Slayer managed to evade the little trap we set for her."

"She had help," Lilah grumbled, thinking of the annoying, yet incredibly resourceful young man who'd managed to use her despite his disadvantaged position.

"Yes, her friends," Linwood mused.  "The truly unpredictable element of the equation.  Her greatest asset and her ultimate downfall.  She was willing to take a human life for the sake of a kid and a soulless demon.  They're her weakness; a way for us to exploit her."

Lilah looked at her boss skeptically.  "That's what you see her friends as?  Pawns to control the Slayer with?"

"Not entirely," Linwood amended.  "A few of them have definite potential, both alone and as possible levers against Angel.  And the Senior Partners are still consulting on what action to take with the boy.  But in the long run they are of no consequence."

Lilah rolled her eyes.  "Fine."  She turned around and walked out of the office.  _You're in for a real surprise you stupid asshole_ she thought smugly.  

While Xander was a pain in the ass, she actually kind of had respect for the kid.  She didn't know what to make of him though.  She'd read Wolfram & Hart's file on him.  Sure, he was a smart ass, but none of the other descriptions fit him at all.  Lilah knew the research team for Wolfram & Hart wasn't incompetent, so how could they be so wrong about one ordinary kid?  The young man that had outsmarted her in her office was not the goofy, slow-witted klutz Lilah had been led to believe he was.  And what had happened to him in her office?  Was it all part of an elaborate ruse to get the key from her, or was something else going on?  His haunted eyes definitely looked genuine.  She smiled.  Yes, Xander Harris was definitely a mystery, and something she intended to learn more about.

*****

Several days later… 

The Scooby Gang was getting ready to leave for Sunnydale.  They would have left sooner, but it took them three days to get Spike's car started, and they decided they needed a vacation anyway.  Plus, they really enjoyed listening to Angel beg Cordelia to dye his hair back.  

"Angel, if we dye it back now it could all fall out," Cordelia chided mockingly.

Angel glared but quickly stopped arguing.

Dawn pointed and laughed at Angel.  Angel put on his game face and growled at her.

Lorn grabbed Xander's elbow and pulled him aside.

"Hey, kid, let's talk for a second."

"Okay," Xander said nervously.  "Hey!  Dawn!  Make sure Drusilla doesn't kill anyone while I'm gone!" he called out.

"Ay ay, Captain!" Dawn yelled back.

The Host cleared his throat.  "I thought you might be interested in knowing what I saw when you sang."

"Yeah, I'm a little curious."

The Host looked at Xander for a second.  "You're a hard one to read, kiddo.  You're loyal to your friends, and that comes out loud and clear.  But destiny-wise…" Lorn trailed off.

"What?  What?" Xander asked impatiently.

"The Powers won't show me anything.  They're being tight-lipped.  This is the first time that's ever happened.  Cryptic?  Yes.  Silent?  No.  Never!"

"What a crock of shit," Xander commented.

"I don't know.  I think it's a great opportunity.  Your destiny is what you make of it.  You're not tied down."

"But can you explain the visions?" Xander asked.

"Just think of them as guides…they keep you from straying too far off the path."

"That doesn't explain much," Xander replied.

"This is where your aura comes in.  I don't often see your color aura in humans.  It's indigo with a good thread of blue running through it.  The witch woke up something inside of you.  It has always been there on some level, but she opened up the flood gates so to speak.  It'll take some getting used to, but I'm sure you can do it."

"You mean I'm going to have these visions forever?"

"Fraid so, kid."

"The voices too?"

"You can hear voices?"

"Yeah," Xander answered.

"You're gift is even bigger than I thought," the Host said with a grin.

"Some gift," Xander grumbled.

The Host patted Xander on the shoulder and smiled.  "Good luck."

"No one will ever believe this."

The Host shrugged.  "Yeah.  It could be hard to accept."

Xander sighed and walked back over to the 'Let's make fun of Angel's Hair' Party.

*****

Two weeks later… 

Two vampires, one Slayer, and a Zeppo sat on a blanket in the middle of Restfield Cemetery.  One vampire was carrying a picnic basket; the other a porcelain doll.

"Spike!" Buffy exclaimed.  "Stop it!"

"Spike, Miss Edith thinks that's naughty."  Drusilla smiled.  "Do it again."

Spike ignored Buffy's earlier comment and continued his evil deeds.

"Spike, I mean it!  Miss Edith was not meant to bend that way.  Or go there!"

Spike laughed maniacally and continued to concentrate on contorting the small doll.

"Really, Spike, cut it out," Xander pleaded.  "Between her thoughts and yours I don't know which will drive me insane first."

"Naughty Spike," Drusilla chided.  "Miss Edith says that only the White Knight may do such things to her."

"So there," Xander said triumphantly.  He snatched the doll from the vampire's grasp.

Miss Edith squealed in pure ecstasy.  Of course, only Xander and Drusilla heard it.  Xander gave the doll a quick hug and kiss on the forehead before setting her down on the blanket beside him.

Miss Edith pouted.  After a few moments, Xander glared back down at the doll.

"Don't even think about it, you little skankpot."

"You do realize that Miss Edith is just a voice inside Drusilla's head, right?" Spike asked after watching the little scene.

"Yeah," Xander answered.  "But that doesn't mean she can say gross things like that."

Spike rolled his eyes.  "Whatever.  I give up.  Let's eat."

Drusilla began unloading the basket.  Buffy and Xander quickly grabbed sandwiches.  Spike got one too, along with a thermos of blood.

"No!  No dipping!" Xander shouted.

"It's peanut butter and jelly," Spike argued.  "It's good."

"I'll projectile vomit on your duster!"

"I'll spill blood all over your lap!"

"I'll break off the legs of all your Spiderman action figures!"

"You have Spiderman action figures?" Buffy interrupted.

"Some of them are over thirty years old, thank you very much," Spike stated indignantly.  He turned back to Xander.  "You do that and I'll shove a stake up your ass, whelp."

"Don't you say a word," Xander directed to the porcelain doll perched beside him.

Miss Edith looked at Xander way too innocently. 

"I'll burn your Sex Pistols records," Xander threatened.

"Harmony already did that, dumbass.  Admit it.  You can't think of anything."

Xander smirked.  "I'll give Janice a key to the apartment."

Spike's eyes narrowed in suspicion.  "You wouldn't dare."

"I'd do it in a second."

Buffy frowned.  "What are you guys talking about?"

"Janice has this huge crush on Spike."  Xander widened his eyes and pasted a look of girlish adoration on his face.  "Oh, Spike's a bad boy.  I love his hair.  It totally rocks.  Do you think Spike would let me borrow his duster?  Do you think Spike has a big…"

"Shh," Drusilla shushed, covering Xander's mouth with her hand.

"What is it with all these teenage girls having crushes on Spike?" Buffy asked.

"He's a nummy treat," Xander answered.  "Shut it, Miss Edith!"

Miss Edith pouted again.

"On that note, we're going for a walk," Buffy said, dragging Spike to his feet.  "Come on, Spike.  Let's go kill something."

"Vampboy, walk with me.  I'm scared of the dark." 

Buffy smacked him on the back of the head as they walked away through the cemetery.

Xander suddenly realized that he and Drusilla were alone.  In a graveyard.  On a blanket under the stars.  Xander smiled nervously at Drusilla and began to whistle the theme to "Gilligan's Island."  He found it oddly comforting.

"You need not worry, my sweet," Drusilla purred.  "I won't hurt you."

Xander smiled.  "But will you bite me?"

"Only if you want me to," Drusilla answered.

"I don't need any extra holes in my body right now, but thanks."

"Okay."  Drusilla patted him on the head like a small child, and laid back on the blanket.

Xander stretched his legs out in front of him.  He was thankful he'd finally gotten that damn cast off his leg.

"The stars looks really pretty tonight, my sweet," Drusilla cooed.  She rolled over and laid her head on Xander's chest.  "Your heartbeat is whispering to me."

Xander looked downward at the crazy vampire.  "Really?  What is it saying?"

"It says you're not as scared of me anymore."

"I think it's right," Xander replied.

"Really?"  Drusilla looked up and grinned.

"It is hard to be too frightened of you when you're wearing a baseball cap and the witch socks I got for you."

Drusilla laid her head back on Xander's chest and began humming "Gilligan's Island."

Xander looked over at the dirty minded porcelain doll.  He glared at Miss Edith then reached out and grabbed her by the arm and stuck her in the picnic basket.  "Miss Edith, we don't need your nasty comments," he said before closing the lid.

Meanwhile… 

"So, you're actually not worried about leaving the whelp alone with Drusilla?"

Buffy looked up at Spike.  "What?  Why?  Are you?"

"All right.  Who are you and where is the real Buffy?"

Buffy playfully slapped Spike in the gut.  "We've come to an understanding, that's all."

"Really.  You and Dru?  An understanding?  That's rich!  No one understands her!"

"Apparently Xander does.  As long as she doesn't hurt him, I won't stake her."

"Fair 'nuff, I suppose."

The pair walked along in silence for a moment.  Buffy sighed loudly, causing Spike to look down at her.

"You all right, luv?" he asked.

"Yeah," Buffy replied.  "Tag!  You're it!" she suddenly called out before running off.

It took Spike a moment to realize what had just happened, but he quickly ran after the Slayer.  He caught up to her and shoved her forward.  "HA HA!  Now you're it!"  He turned and ran in the other direction.

"Stupid vampire!" she yelled after regaining her footing and turning back in the direction Spike went.  She ran at top slayer speed and caught up to the bleached wonder.  Instead of tapping him from behind, she managed to catch up to the side of him and tripped him.  She laughed maniacally as Spike fell flat on his face and quickly ran back in the opposite direction.

"Bloody hell, Slayer!" he cried, rubbing his nose gently.  He stood up and smirked before taking off after Buffy.  She'd managed to hide herself somewhere, but he'd find her.  He stopped and looked around, taking in unnecessary breaths.  "Slayer!  Here kitty, kitty, kitty!"

Buffy watched from behind the tree and bit her tongue to keep from laughing.  She finally decided to make a run for it.  She whizzed past, but he saw her anyway.  In a flash he caught her around the waist and tackled her to the ground.  Buffy laughed and squealed happily as she hit the ground, Spike falling on top of her.

"Geez, Spike!  Lay off the sandwiches, will ya?"

"Maybe you should eat more then, pet!"

"Spike, you're a pig!"

Spike laughed to himself and sat up.  Buffy then sat up and turned to face the vampire.  He watched her as she caught her breath.  She smiled at him, and then noticed the serious look on his face.  

"What is it, Spike?"

He tilted his head to the side.  "Would you really have taken a human life to save me and the buttmonkey?"

Buffy scowled and bit her lip.  She studied Spike's face before answering.  "Yeah," she admitted quietly.

"Why?"

"You and Xander are family.  I'd do anything for you guys."

"I can understand the whelp, but why for me?  I'm just a soulless vampire."

"Would you have done the same for me?"

"In a bloody second," Spike replied quickly.

Buffy smiled.  "I know."

Spike caressed the side of Buffy's face.  She leaned into his hand and closed her eyes.

"Buffy," he whispered.

She opened her eyes.  "Hmm?"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," she whispered back.  She grabbed the back of his head and slowly pulled him forward.  Mere centimeters away from her face, he blinked.

"Buffy," he whispered again, swallowing hard.

"What?" she mouthed.

"Did you tell Lilah I was your boyfriend?"

Buffy smiled.  "Yes."

"So that makes you my girlfriend."

"Yes, it does, Spike."

"Why?"

Buffy sighed.  She really wanted Spike to shut up so she could kiss him.  "Why what?"

"Why everything, I suppose?"

"Because…I love you."

That was all Spike needed to hear for his undead heart to leap into his throat.  He laughed.

"What are you laughing at?"

"No one's ever told me that."

"Well, I just did so shut up and kiss me."

"As you wish," he answered before kissing her.

"Well, isn't this just the picture of sweetness?  I think I'm going to be sick.  It's worse than watching Dru and that stupid kid!  Heh heh heh.  Are we ready for the attack?"  A few minions nodded that their plan was almost completely read.  "Soon, my minions!"  From the shadows, Darla smiled wickedly.

**A/N the Second:**  Well, it's over.  Anybody sad?  We're sad, but just a little.  Now enjoy your wait, while we are separated for a summer.  No worries though, we might be working on other projects!  Please send reviews!  Flames will be used to burn down your house.  Er, just kidding.  We love all of you guys for reviewing and being super nice!


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